8-29-11 After the Storm

It’s good to leave each day behind,
Like flowing water, free of sadness.
Yesterday is gone and its tale told.
Today new seeds are growing.
Rumi ♥

8-29-11  After the Storm

Friday afternoon everyone was preparing for the Hurricane, shelters were being set up, towns were being evacuated, roads and bridges were being closed. I saw where they were saying if you brought your pets they must be in carriers, I thought of Randy and the dog and 7 cats that live with them so I decided to text him that I would leave my cat carrier in the shed in case he needed it. He didn't answer me, which hurt so I got snotty and texted : oh thats right I am not allowed to text you when she might be around. He eventually answered me and just said STOP... I knew he meant stop going on about her but instead I texted: You got it I am done, I will pray for you and your family goodbye. With that he called me (2 weeks no call) but I didn't pick up, nor reply to his texts when he commented how busy Wal-mart was or asked me if I was planning on staying here to ride the storm out. I deleted him from my phone and I prayed to GOD to help me not go back to that pain ever again. Mary says he's just selfish and wants to do everything in his time and his way thats why he never called sooner. Well too late...

Jeremy's friends came to pick him up and take him to their house in north west jersey for the weekend. I kept monitoring the emergency websites to see if we had to evacuate yet, so far still only south of me not my town yet. My friends were checking in on me and my family called from Ohio. I made myself a salad for dinner and then decided to take a ride down the street to leave some SpiritStones. When I got there I saw the area we do yoga and they had pushed the sand up to form a wall, there went my labyrinth too! Oh well..next ones going in my backyard. I walked to the edge and around it to get closer to the water and toss in a SpiritStone, soon as I did a school of little fish jumped up out of the water, almost as if to thank me! I began walking north and they seemed to follow me a bit and kept jumping up a dozen or two dozen at a time! I prayed and sent Reiki and threw in one more stone before going to my car. I drove past Randy's mom's house and wondered if I should check on her but decided since I hadn't seen her all the times when I was bike riding I was not meant to butt in, she had him and two daughters she didn't need me, still I said a prayer and sent Reiki to her house as I passed by.  I then went to the area of town near the house I want to buy and tossed some stones there and drove towards the main part of town. I rolled down my windows and prayed and sent Reiki everywhere I passed. In town I walked along the bulkhead and tossed some more stones, then I walked along main street and left a couple more. Seeing the windows taped made me wonder if I should tape my big one but my voice said no you don't need to,  go home now.  Thats what I did.....I thought of putting stones at my house but my voice reminded me that I had done that when I moved there.

Once home I checked again and saw that there would be a mandatory evacuation as of noon the next day. I packed a bag and took my friend up on the offer to come stay at her place and went to bed. Saturday morning I puttzed around and put some extra towels around in the basement and checked to see if things outside were put away. Around 11ish there was a siren going off in town so I posted to facebook about it and said I think its time to go... LOL I drove down by the shore one more time and tossed a couple more SpiritStones and couldn't resist driving past Randy's house, I tossed one out on the road on the side of his house instead of in front because he said his kid found the others and asked questions and he didn't want me doing that anymore. Ever so afraid to get caught with me he is... Anyway I started driving over and he sent me a picture of his Sears all boarded up. I was mad, so mad that I pulled over to the side of the road and texted back: Go home to your "wife and kids" and do not ever contact me again......Why was his reply....I pulled over again and don't recall exaxclty what I said to him (becasue besides deleting him I delteted the whole conversations when I was done) ...then he got snotty and said Oh I didn't get the memo. I was REALLY mad then, so much for this not hurting if I was mad then it could only mean that I still hurt, but you know at this point he's not hurting me I am hurting me! He is only being the person he always has been and I keep hoping he'll be a bit better, no I had no one to blame but me. I pulled over and spewed out something else to which he replied: I miss you in typical Randy style, see he never has had any interest in working through a relationship only upsetting me and then trying to charm his way out of it like any other 12 yr old would do. My last text to him was: well you will be missing me for the rest of your life because you used up every chance you ever had with me. I hope he knows I meant it, it did shut him up.....

I got to Michelles house and we had a lovel lovely time, she made me lunch, we watched a movie, she made me dinner, we watched another movie, we baked cookies, and in between we talked and talked and talked some more. Both of us are single and looking and nurturing hurts about the men we loved recently, and still do love... She has a cat, and her cat looks just like Skooter, Randy's cat that just died and it took me everything I had to not take a picture of her and send to him. I think Michelle was glad I was there since her daughter was away and I am glad my son had gone to his friends so I didn't have to give him any attention and I could enjoy the girl talk. I did end up coming home late sunday afternoon when I saw that the pub in town was posting on facebook that they opened for business at 3pm. I only had to take a few detours to get home and was glad to see only a few puddles in my basement and no damage except to my tomtao plant and a lot of debris in the yard and street and the power was on! I tried to drive down to the beach to check on it but the road blocks were still up. I was greatful that my boss said I could work from home on monday though, we weren't yet supposed to be back on the roads. Mary called to check on me and I told her all about Randy, we both agreed it was time to quit hoping he'd grown up and be with me, even though I feel like he's my twin flame it doesnt matter, loving a man you can't count on to be there when you need is just too painful....time for me to work on attracting something better....

Monday there were many pictures of floods and damage all across the state, even much flooding up in the northeastern parts of the state. I am amazed how much we were sparred here, despite being so close to the shore! I saw quite a few photos of knocked over trees, washed out bridges,even sink holes. But those things were not strong and secure or they would have held..now they can be rebuilt stronger. My neighborhood is all abuzz today with the cable company, the garbage trucks, people out in the sunshine sweeping porches and patios and sidewalks... Jeremy came home and I put him to work on the basement because Wendy is doing meditation workshops here wed and thur of this week. The storm came and washed away a lot of things but now the sunshine is here to shine upon the new seeds we are planting and make them grow....

Today I want you to be thankful for whatever parts of your life that have been spared from the storms, what's strong enough to last and support and also to not linger on what was washed away as it was not built to last it seems. And I want you to think about what seeds you now want to plant in the bare spaces..........choose wisely my friends.......choose things that are strong and dependable....build well......for in your futures you will face more storms.......

With Love and in the Light,  Cassie

8-26-11 Prepare and Have Faith

8-26-11   Prepare and Have Faith

Monday evening I got a text from Randy... I miss U....I replied with: Sure is taking that cable guy a long time to show up at your house....he replied that he fixed it himself....so I asked why hadn't he come to take Jeremy to the car parts store for me....he ignored that and asked what have I been up to.....I just replied that I been busy.....then he finally texted that he had a thousand things he been doing he'd have to tell me on the phone....I sent back that I had no time for his excuses and to call me when he had time to take him....his reply was: so why did you ask me? I had no answer for that, it shut me up.... I was also sitting here posting my blog link to my Facebook pages when I got to my Spiritual site someone messaged me and said how amazing it was that I had friend requested them today when they were just looking for their own stones! She said she uses them to help her with her spinal problems and she asked me some questions about them. I was so happy to have helped and I told her to trust in the synchronicity of the universe always! It's funny too because I had been praying just an hour before that I needed a way to supplement my income. I had discussed with Mary that I needed to make more and she said that my boss wants to promote me but is disappointed that I don't want to go back and get my degree as he sees no other way to promote me. I told her I already went down that road and firmly decided and was guided to make extra money in other ways, helping others. This was a confirmation of that choice....

Tuesday was an office day, I was buzzing around getting stuff done and Randy kept coming to mind so I decided to clear things out of my head and I sent him an e-mail.  I don't was the subject line: 
I don't miss you that is...when you raced out of my house last Sunday night w/o satisfying me as I had you that was the start of it...i know u were racing home to HER so she won't leave you- u were so upset she may have had a date last sat...and i can't for the life of me understand why you want to stay with someone you claim is so mean to u and there is no love there...

the other thing that's bothering me is i am really seeing that you just don't like my son, never did maybe never will, and he wanted you to be his friend so badly

you wanted me to send him to live in Florida with a heavy drug user to get rid of him

well i love my son and I want him in my life and I want a man in our life who likes him and wants to be a friend to him......i cant make you care about him the way you have her kids, it just is what it is

i need some time and some space to try and find a man who loves me and wants to be there for me
to give to me all the things that you give to her and never gave to me


if i decide I miss you I will let you know           


i would offer friendship but you always stop coming over when i don't give you pokey.... i don't care what you say, actions speak louder than words.......plus i really don't want to spend yet another birthday praying you will get me something and not even getting a card


take care

I felt much better, very decisive of me but I meant it more than I ever have and this time there really wasn't any pain. Sort of like when you finally get brave and pull off the old dead scab, fearing its going to hurt and finding out it was barely hanging on and underneath you are all already healed!

Sitting at work in the afternoon an earthquake hit NJ, they say it started in Virginia I can't imagine what was going on there if it shook us up so much. I tried to call Jeremy, even sent a text and got no reply. I did not worry too much though and finally did reach him, he was in the basement and hadn't felt anything. I posted some stuff on facebook about praying for the planet and such, my cousin's son, who'd deployed in Korea right now commented saying how is that supposed to make any difference. I thought about it and posted this to illistrate the planet's   response to negative and positive  It may seem silly but it is similar to this really! Later that evening I got a text from Randy once he went to work, he said: Are we still going to Vermont? I sent back no, and was going to drop it but then my anger flooded up (which shows me I am not as healed as I thought I was) and I said to him sure I'll go if I can bring Jeremy, he can bring a friend, we get two rooms and I don't have to satisfy you, and you pay for the whole trip. After all that's what he claimed to me that he did for HER. That shut him up...

Wednesday was a work from home day.  My buddy Mike called me bright and early and was trying to get me to go last minute to a concert. I told him I had plans that I couldn't change. I would have loved to have gone but I need to stick to this yoga stuff. I was glad that I did too because I made $40 and the people had a lovely time! Nancy and I agreed to start doing it on every other Sunday also. I also contacted Mary to tell her what I had seen the night before... well you may recall the house on Sunset that I wanted so badly but they rented it to family instead of giving me the rent to own deal, well I keep riding my bike over there to check on it, I can see they don't care for and love it the way I would, and Mary had said that would happen and the house would not want them as it does me and eventually they would have to leave due to a break up... Well driving home the night before, and going back out shopping later in the evening I saw the truck from the house parked at the GO-GO Rama all evening! Now I certainly do not rejoice in peoples problems but I did take this as a sign that what was "seen" in the future could be true, and I had had that vison of working on that deck.......I know I was sent here to bless the waters....

Thursday everyone was talking about Hurricane Irene and making plans and sending warnings. Several of my friends told me to pack up and get out, I didn't feel led to worry though. My spirt told me to stay put, that was after all why I was sent here to pray and to heal the water what better chance to stand as a beacon of lightworking energy than with a hurricane and possible flooding coming. I am not foolish though I prepared, instead of going to my event I went to Walmart and the grocery store and got water and flashlights and propane for my camping stove. Walmart was packed and already out of flashlights, I wished I had listed to my voice when it told me to go to the dollar store and get them! My friend told me they had them when she checked in on me and I told her. Driving back home I had Jeremy get a SpiritStone out of the glove compartment and I tossed one in at the drawbridge. That night facebook was all abuz! I did take time to watch a neat video posted you should check it out: Lesson on The Rise of Atlantis its good to learn stuff....

Friday work from home and more messages about the hurricane, I got a call from my friend telling me to evacuate, still I wasn't worried and wanted to stay firm and pray for the area for as long as I could.   Wendy called me to set up times for a meditation workshop, she is giving it and I am proiding the space and the advertising so I get to go for free! I asked what she was "getting" about the storm and it meshed with mine, I was glad not only for the storm predicition but that my intuition is growing. I have spent far too much of my life not relying on ME and my inner guidance and running around all over the place listening to everyone else. She did say send angels and prayers and to keep abreast of the notices as things do change. I did put stuff away and I did pack a bag and one of my friends said I can come to her place so tommorow I might we will see. I am preparing AND having faith, I am not worrying about this, worry brings fear and fear brings what you fear. If God came and took me home today I am ready....but I know he probably won't, there is much work for me to do here yet.......

So today I want you all to prepare for the possible storms that can come in your life and your world but I don't want you to worry about them! Because when you create a spirit of peace around you that is what you will have, even in the face of a strom you will be safe.....

With Love and in the Light, Cassie

8-22-11 Finding a Comfortable Spot

8-22-11   Finding a Comfortable Spot

Friday night I was supposed to go for a walk with my new neighbor but it was starting to rain so we said we'd go in the morning if we could. I had to finish up all the laundry anyway. I also realized that Randy had not come to take my son to the car parts store, and he also didn't text me all day. He must know I am not pleased. I wondered if he'd text me the next day to spend time with me, I was going to be sure to be at that BBQ and take Jeremy too if he wanted to go. I got an e-mail from my realtor saying that the township was ready to move forward on buying my house and NOT make me take out the oil tank. I told her good if they mean it but I hadn't heard from my lawyer. I said see we should have pushed back a long time ago. Sometimes you just have to throw down and walk, really and truly not caring if they come back to the deal or not. Hummm, maybe it's time for that with Randy......I hadn't heard from him all day...

Saturday I was supposed to walk with my neighbor but she slept late, by 9am I gave up and went for a bike ride around the neighborhood and down to the beach. I met a guy who was crabbing and made a note to tell Jeremy about that, he may like it, especially since I am told they sell them to the local resteraunts. I then rode around some because I wanted to take a few pictures. Anthony said this one had very good composition. I was pleased with myself, I do like taking photos it's one of the hobbies I always wanted to do. In the evening I went to a BBQ at a friends house, I took Jeremy and we both had a lot of fun. Some of my friends though were lecturing him on his life and smoking and such, he got mad at me and wanted to know what the heck have I been telling people about him. I don't know how much he will listen to people who only speak to him once or twice a year at a party.... I did actually get a bit annoyed about it and wrote to the one woman the next day but she said he had brought it up and did apologize but she was only trying to help. I guess she was and I shouldn't have felt insulted the way I had origionally, it just made me feel like she didn't think I was a good parent and if she truly cared she'd have talked to him another time not in front of everyone and embarassing him.

They did take a picture of me at the party that I actually don't hate, since that is so rare I will share it. They had a person giving chair massages and Pam treated me to one, boy did I need that!, sooo much tension in my neck and shoulders. She said I need this more often, I told her the guy I was seeing usually gives them to me but he hadn't come around all week.  During the party Pam's sister came over to talk to me and she was saying what a lovely spirit and aura that I have and how special I am that made me feel really good. She also was telling Jeremy how special I am too when we were saying good night. He said I know

but still she's my MOM. LOL Howie had called me a few times that day, he had wanted to take me for a bike ride since the predicted rain never came but understood when I told him I needed to go to this party. He did call me before bed time as he was going on a long ride on sunday. 75 miles he said. He never invited me to go, not that I would have wanted to ride for that long since I am not used to it but still if he really liked me I think he would have asked me....then again I hadn't asked him to this BBQ. I didn't hear from Randy all day, I was a tad suprised since Saturday nights he's usually alone and wants to see me. How was I going to ignore his texts if he didn't send any? LOL

Sunday morning I slept in a bit, been sleeping a tad more lately I think its my alleries and sinus stuff kicking my butt. I keep trying to tell my body I do not have allergies but so far that's not working out for me. I got a text from Randy fairly early in the day.... Hi was all he said. I didn't answer it. Not for three hours and all I said back was Hey. I went into town for some breakfast and to check out the flea market in town. There were tons of people fishing off the pier and crabbing and I thought that was a good idea for Jeremy to try! I am told they sell the crabs to the local resteraunts so I went home, took a shower and he and I went to Target to look for crab traps and nets. We didn't find any. Randy texted asking how I was.....I waited 2 hrs and replied Good. I went home and took a nap and woke up and it was pouring rain, guess Howie's not going to call me for a bike ride tonight I thought so I did some chores and orderd Chineese. I got a text from Randy....so what are you doing? I waited an hour and replied chilling with my boys......he sent back oh both of then are home? He must think Dustin is visiting....I waited 30 minutes and replied NO. This is tiresome, he's got to know I am annoyed with him for not taking Jeremy to the car parts store but he won't talk about it. Tiresome oh so tiresome.... Howie called in the evening and told me all about his ride. I told him maybe the next day since I was off and it was supposed to be nice he could come take me for a ride, he said he didn't know if he could get his bike out since it was raining again so much.....

Monday I was off, my last summer monday and I was determined to go to the beach! I got up and started making some sandwiches and packing a lunch while I waited for Jeremy to wake up. My buddy Mike called and we chatted and I got his opinon on the woman at the party and my son, he said she was way out of line and never would have liked it one bit if the same had been done to her kid but he said I never should have said anything because shes thin and pretty and popular and now I won't be invited out so much. I honestly and truly don't care, I've been in the "in crowd" plenty and I am not comfortable there but he don't get that. Then he told me what the heck was I taking my son with me for anyway? He should be out making friends his own age, that he couldn't have been comfortable and having fun at that party anyway. He said it's not my job to help him find his happiness, and in that moment I realized I was trying to hard.....so when I called to wake him to go to the beach and he declined going I happily set off alone and had a very lovely day all by myself. I put a SpiritStone in the water and sent it some Reiki for cleansing the waters and was actually very glad that I did because just as I was leaving the kids were running in saying it looked like there was puke in the water, upon investigation it looked like sewage and waste from a passing cruise ship or yaught. After the beach I went sightseeing on the observation deck. I took a few pictures and met a nice lady who was visiting her kids and grandkids but didnt want to go onto the sand. I told her so stay here in the shade they can find you later. She also confided to me that she lives in Maine and they all want her to move down here near them, in case I get sick she says, but I love it there so much up in Maine, I live on a lake and I get fresh lobster and I have friends there....I asked her age and she said 71. Oh you got a lot of good years left I told her and that she should stay wherever she is happy and comfortable and tell them to quit worrying. She smiled at that and said nice to meet you as I headed out. I really do love sandy hook and the beach. This is where I am comfortable and happy..... see how lovely:

Today I recalled a quote from an old old work colleuge when I was working at the drug and alcohol counseling office, a summer job in between semesters. They had a laundry list of eternal truths ( I may have posted it here last fall) but anyway the quote on there that came to me today is this: No matter how hard you try, you can't help a hunchback find his most comfortable spot to sleep in. Think on that a bit....... tell me what you come up with......

With Love and In the Light, Cassie

8-12-11 Making Peace With My World

Make Peace with the Universe.
Take Joy in it. It will turn to gold.
Every moment a New Beauty.
♥ Rumi ♥

8-12-11   Making Peace With My World

Monday was my last day of vacation and I had to take Jeremy to the Unemployment office that was going to help him get a job. I wished I was off because Randy had mentioned going to the beach but he did have plans with a work buddy and its better he got to go with him. I was pleased with the meeting and I feel like they are going to help him. I decided to drive back home via the coast and go for lunch. Jeremy wasn't so into it but I made him anyway. We ended up having lunch at Bhars and I missed being there with Randy so I texted him. He said that he was going to be at The Seagulls nest for lunch with his buddy in another hour.....maybe I'll come for dessert I texted....then or maybe its a bad idea.....He said I can pretend you are my neighbor. So we went and it was nice to see him, he texted me later and said how fun that was and I said yeah but if we ever end up together now we gotta keep this lie going... I don't know about all this, we did resolve much the night before and he told me how much he likes being with me and its not at all about the sex, he firmly said to me you want me to prove that to you I will, I can go weeks, months I will come and take you out or watch movies anything you want no sex, YOU are the one who always wants that. I have to admit he's right about that... He was also right about how moody I am, first wanting him and then tossing him away again......

Tuesday was back to work and I was pleased to see I was missed, in today's economy that's very much needed, everyone is so concerned about the stock market going so low!  I did some more thinking about Jeremy's depression, and mine too and the ebbs and flows in our energy cycles and such because I was thinking how much energy I had this day. I recalled how the psychic had brought up thyroid stuff again so I did a quick search for herbs for this. I also texted Randy to wish him good luck at the dentist and I asked if he could come see me and said please please so he said yes see you after work. I got home made dinner, got groceries and ordered some herbs and such that would help us out. Jeremy had gotten a letter from the DMV and was told they were taking his licence away if he didn't deal with the stuff from court. I had a talk with him and laid out a plan on how we are going to deal with this, he said why didn't you help me before and I said because you were living on your own doing your own thing drinking drugging now you are under my roof again and behaving that's the difference. He seemed a bit relived to be getting some help and I can see that despite the fact he's almost 21 my parenting days aren't done yet...

Randy arrived right on time and he came in and talked to Jeremy a bit, it was nice and made Jeremy very happy, all he ever wanted was for Randy to be a buddy to him and that's why he acted up before was to get his attention. Randy and I had a lovely lovely time together and he stayed till midnight, he even said maybe I should sleep over... I wanted him to but I didn't want him getting in trouble at home and he had gotten quite a few calls..so I said you probably better not... But we did get to do a bunch more talking about house buying and future plans and retirement living. I also told him I don't know if I would be happy living with just a man in the future that I kinda like the having lots of roommates around thing and he said so did he. When he mentioned fearing "the wife" not paying the electric bill if she gets mad I said good turn it off then and come live with me, I'll only charge ya what the other roommates pay and that's not too much he agreed, then you can rent your house out and make money. Not a bad idea he said..... 

Wednesday was a work from home day. I sent Randy an e-mail telling him that he is welcome to come for lunch or any day that I am home working, I remembered Mary telling me to make him feel welcome and he will come more and more. Jeremy came back from waiting on the corner for work and wanted me to take him to the dollar store (for some reason people still don't get what working from home actually means sheeseee) so anyway I texted Randy and he was available and came over and took him. This made all three of us happy. He told me that he will take Jeremy biking too and that is also a wonderful idea, they both have so much in common and they both need a pal too. He was going on and on about how dirty his house is and how clean mine is and how his makes him sick. I said well I got an idea next time she goes away come sleep over here with me, he liked that idea and said she's going away for a couple days this week I will come then. I must admit this is something I need to see about, his sleeping issues and not wanting to share a room with me was the number one reason I left him, he says that's all changed now........

I called Mary while I was waiting for the Yoga thing in the evening and told her all about the things going on with Randy and what we have been talking about. She said she was proud of me to see I had grown and wasn't always ready to run away and throw in the towel now and talked things out. I told her that I realize I am moody and need to quit making decisions when I am depressed or down or not my full self.  She said he sobbed so much when you left him.. I told her what he said to me on Sunday that I was his best friend and he loved being with me and it wasn't about the sex, he said it was ME who always wanted that not just him that he would come go to eat with me and go for rides and watch movies and just be with me and we could go weeks, months how ever long it took to prove to me that wasn't what this was about. I told her that's the thing that impressed me enough to give this a real shot because I know he means it. Yes he sure does she said and what a compliment that is. Now just remember though you are marrying a man/child then she said wow did you hear what I just said? I want to be maid of honor she said! If we get married I told her I promise you will be. I pretty much had given up on that one if I want Randy as he's so afraid of losing his money, I don't want his money though or any one's and would do a pre-nup... Oh well I am getting ahead of myself, right now we need to just keep tip toeing forward to see if we can make it through this......

Thursday at the office and I was thinking all morning about Randy coming over to sleep over that night and I was so happy. I had taken steaks out of the freezer for dinner so I'd have a plate for him when he got back from work. So I decided to text him and say how happy I was and that I would have dinner waiting for him. His reply to my text was: I am not sure......Why not I replied starting to bristle.....he didn't answer me. My gut told me SHE was playing the control game with him and making him think she might be home....I waited an hour for him to answer and then I sent: fine stay with her, you are going to miss me when I find my own boyfriend....and proceeded to post an ad on craigslist. Then I decided maybe I should go out so I signed up for a meetup and texted him never mind I made other plans. And I did go out to the outdoor concert in Red Bank, I never found the group but I did have fun anyway it was such a pleasant evening, and I made sure to not come home till 10pm since Randy usually comes at 9:30. When I got home I checked my phone and he had texted at 9:30 asking why was I not home. Because you said maybe and you ignored all my texts......Oh was all he sent back. Yup this is going to be tough territory with him, and most women would throw in the towel, but instead I am trying to keep my peace of mind while still giving him a shot..... its a delicate balance but I can sure try..... he's worth my patience, he certainly has been taking me back even thought I kept dumping him. Sometimes that's what love is all about.....

Friday was a work from home day and a lovely day at that. I got a good bit done and I texted Randy to see if he wanted to come tonight. Yes he said and I said good. A bit later though he texted can he come at lunchtime and I said not for pokey only for lunch....Oh he said.....can you still come tonight? Yeah he replied......but as the day wore on I got a message from a gal pal wanting to go out to hang at the local biker bar, we have a mutual friend whom we are trying to help her find a guy. I said no at first but then I decided to text Randy and ask him if it was OK for us to skip tonight so I can hang out with my gal pals. I left out the flirt with bikers part, I would tell him if he asked but as things are I owe him nothing. I love him I want him but he is not mine now, not yet anyway, and there are no guarantees in life either. But I am making peace in my heart over things as they are now, I am greatful to have him at all and I trust the universe to work this out OR bring me someone else and I must trust in the timing of God.

Today I want you to look at things in your life that perhaps are causing you some stress and worry and see if you can't give that up to God and the universe to handle for you? And remember, no matter how much you love someone be sure to always love YOU first, not in a selfish way but in a take care of yourself way. When you are good to you then you are better able to be good to others.....

With Love and in the Light, Cassie

"There are only two types of people: one, who escape from their loneliness the majority, the ninety-nine point nine percent, who escape from themselves; and the remaining point one percent is the meditator, who says, "If loneliness is a truth, then it is a truth; then there is no point in running away from it. It is better to go into it, encounter it, see it face to face, what it is. "Meditation means going into your loneliness wholeheartedly, to discover it, to investigate into it, to inquire into it. That´s what meditation is all about Osho

8-8-11 Stop The Words

 

Stop the words now.
Open the window in the center of your chest,
and let the spirits fly in and out.
Rumi

8-8-11  Stop The Words

Friday I had the day off and my friend Cecilia came down and we went to the beach. Jeremy came too and I was glad that he got out and did something, I wished he had some friends his own age though to go to the beach with, but then again I recall myself when young, it took me time to get out and make friends sometimes. Cecilia told me all about the new guy she's been dating and I was very happy for her. Listening to her tell me about him though made me think about how much Randy isn't many of the things that I want in a man, mainly that he doesn't want to spend that much time with me, Cecilias complaint was her guy wants to spend too much time with her! We both agreeded that its all about balance and how very difficult that is to find. I came home and laid down to relax and Eat Pray Love was on, the part when Liz was visiting India and the guy was telling her that to really meditate she had to get everything out of her head. I realized that Randy is too much in my head and he is distracting my inner peace and I need to let go of him in order to get that back. I really can see why priests and nuns and monks do not have mates......

In the evening I took Jeremy and we went to Keansburg, they have a little amusement area there with rides and games and such. Since this is my vacation, and its a staycation this year I want to do a few fun things with him. When he was a kid I always took him and his brother to the Seaside Heights boardwalk to play games and have fun, so this was the closest I could get this year. We did all the things we would have done there, walked around, got something to eat, played in the arcades, tried some crane games. I got my palms and cards read......turns out it was the same woman I saw here in Cliffwood Beach. She told me she could see that I work with stones and when I told her she said that was a very good thing for me, that I have a lot of power and its good that I share it. She told me she sensed I was unhappy in love, that I can't make up my mind about Randy and I said yep, I keep going back to him but he keeps hurting me just by being who he is. She said he is my soul mate and that is why I keep going back to him, why there is such a pull to him but she said he is not THE soulmate the one who I belong with that we will be so happy.  She said she sensed another woman and she said that I had the power to make this woman leave so he and I could be together if that's what I wanted. Course I was only half listening to her because she kept going on about how I need to pay her to remove my blocks to love and she had told me before that I belonged with Randy and could have him fully by fall. Truly I suppose it really is up to me. Before I left she said did I want to know anything else and I said yes, will my house sell. She said a firm yes, in a few months it will sell she said. I came home, watched another movie about a happy loving family and went to be sad and alone....again....

Saturday morning I got up and went for a ride on my bike around the neighborhood and down towards the beach. I had an urge to ride over to the other park but then was reminded of the time I ran into HER over there and thought better of it. Turns out that was a good choice because as I was walking down on the point where the creek meets the bay I saw someone that I think was her up over there on the boardwalk walking a dog. I thought to myself that she must like living down here near the water if she keeps walking down here.....she looked sad and alone, wasn't yapping on a phone like last time, seemed like she looked over and saw me and looked sad and I realized she had just spent the night sleeping in the same bed as Randy and there she was looking sad and alone. I thought of how much she argues with him and suspects him sneaking around on her and threatening to leave him and I sent out a mental message to her....you can have him, don't worry I am not going to try to take away your home and security, you can have him. I felt a little better at that and as I got on my bike and turned to go home I vowed to stay on "my" side of whale creek from now on......

In the afternoon I went up to check out the Pagan Picnic that my friend Cher always invites me to, she drug me around by the hand telling everyone that she will make me a pagan yet! LOL I do think it may be time for me to explore the wiccan ways a bit more now..... that and I think she and I may be able to work together to bring even more people together...time will tell. While there I got a reading from a guy, I told you all I am a reading addict didn't I? I got 5 questions..He said that my house is not going to sell, a firm yes that Randy is the one, does he love me and he said that I need to be paitent and wait for that to take its course in time, and that I would always be ok finacially. He said I was a very lucky person, having plenty of friends and always money when I need it. He's right but I still am feeling down...and run down. I got a text from Randy and we texted back and forth for the afternoon....what cha doing he asked....am at the pagan picnic I said....are the hells angels  there too he asked LOL?....I then texted that I saw the wife this morning walking the dog by the beach.....tennant not wife he replied......I saw her and I thought to myself she just came from your bed.......Oh u so funny he replied......Not trying to be funny, been sad all week I said.....why you so sad he asked?.....because God has still not brought me my mate......But I'm here for you......no you aren't I replied......all you got to do is call he sent back......LOL now you are funny I replied, I am home now going to take a nap.....That's just what I did too, I am so weary......I think depression's got a hold of me....I need to get my peace back..... I think he may have wanted to see me but right now it just makes me too sad...

Sunday morning I woke up  and shot off an e-mail to Randy to get this stuff off my mind and to enjoy the rest of my day worry free. I told him how he had a lot of nerve telling me he was there for me and shot off a list of transgressions, winding it off with how selfish he is before tossing it off. Good, done on with today. I opened my facebook though and there was an Osho link: is-it-time-to-break-up and recognized that I am in a dark time. Oh well I didn't tell him I was done with him I just pointed out some valid things, he is selfish and he does need to grow up and he doesn't communicate. I did some cleaning and some shopping and felt much better, it was still too early to go to my event so I decided to rest from the heat and humidity. Since I felt better I texted Randy and we went back and forth and resolved some of our issues.. I told him I felt last on his list and he said from now on me first. Ok I said, gonna take a nap now.....we gonna chill later he texted? Maybe I said......

I got up from my nap and decided that I did not want to go to the event I had signed up for, this is the definite pattern with me these days. I saw this photo on facebook that my old roomates daughter had posted. I needed a reminder that life was too short to waste being mad..Shawn said he was going to go get clams and shrimp to cook for dinner, and my back as acheing. So I texted Randy and asked if he was up to coming over to give me a back rub.....sure he replied.....ok what time can you be here? Its nice I imagine you want to go for a ride first.....7pm he sent back......Shawns cooking I sent back......awesome. He came at 6:45 and gave me my back rub, that really put me in a much better mood,  we messed around till the smell of the food was too good so I went out and got us a big plate of clams and made a picnic in bed, once we devowered that I went back out for the shrimp and rice. He started to talk about how filthy his house is with her dog and 6 cats and her not cleaning. He said he was sick all the time... I cut him  short and said I dont want to talk about them, when you are with me its only us. He started to start singing the song Just the Two of us but he got the point. Then we decided to play some more... once that was done he asked if I wanted to go for a ride and I said sure....we took my car not his motorcycle. LOL He drove me around and showed me all the homes Mike had taken him to and we discussed things and plans on what he could do. He said she refuses to talk about it saying she probably isnt going to be in his future why help plan it. Good I thought let her profess herself right out of there with her own words I thought. We came home to my house and talked out all of our issues and problems but when he told me I am his girlfriend I said no not like this I am not and made it clear I was still looking. He said if she leaves he will be here all the time and only go home to feed the cats..... I didn't say anything, didn't shoot it down didn't say do it..this has to happen on its own....

Monday morning I woke up to this in my mailbox: you need to make a commitment, and once you make it, then life will give you some answers. Humm we shall see , I did make a vow to quit posting CL ads, she just keeps looking at them and taunting him with them anyway. I am going to calm my mind and my heart again and let spirit come in to guide me, I have been thinking too much , running around seeking too many answers...once I decide what I truly want I guess life will give me some answers won't it?

Today I want you to calm your minds, stop the words, relax and let spirt come in and show you what's the next step on this path.....

With Love and in the Light, Cassie

8-5-11 Be A Giver

8-5-11 Be A Giver

This week has been lessons in giving and receiving....

Monday on my way home from work I picked up some cute little oil lamps from a freecycler, she had added some bonus votive holders but I decided to put those in the donation bag for the veterans, I had wanted to give to them and had so few things so this was great as they said they especially needed knick-knacks. It was very near where Vic and I used to hang out at Starbucks and the thought crossed my mind to go there but then I thought nah, what's the point, if he wanted to repair our friendship he'd return my stuff.  I was glad that I wouldn't be passing Randy on 35.....or so I thought.... When I got down towards home I felt kinda sad and was missing the wave we usually shared so when I got off  and headed home I ended up driving past his house, it was empty no cars, nobody home, his old beat up motorcycle and his old truck sitting there. I went home and Shawn made dinner and he Jeremy and I were sitting there and Jeremy says guess who drove by here today.....Randy? I asked, Yep he drove by real slow about 1pm. What a dummy head I sighed, see he cares why the heck can't he just TALK to me and learn to compromise and work things out with me instead of always making stupid 12 yr old boy moves that leave me feeling alone and hurt? Oh well I give it to God I thought, and then recalled that it was just after that time I was at work and had sent him a picture of the motorcycle I got to ride on yesterday and told him that I didn't like the guy, he knows how I can't stand smokers now that I have quit....

I was really tired and went to my room early to watch Netfllix, am watching Tudors and so loving the brave, dashing men on the show wishing my devoted knight would come to me.... I got a text.....it was from Randy... Hi. Ugh I thought but decided to reply Hi.........that was it. I was restless though a bit later and decided to go out and fold the clothes and unload the dishwasher, I was doing that and someone pulled in my driveway about 9:30....it was Randy. I went out and asked him what was he doing here (my phone was in my bedroom and I hadn't seen his I will he driving by your house in 4 min text) I am stalking you he said grinning sheepishly so I went out to talk to him.. He said I am all alone, shes gone kids gone and the bar's closed! He said they had a sign up that they lost their license but will be open next week. Bummer I said but hey maybe losing it for a short bit will make you appreciate it more when you get it back.... Then he wanted to talk to me about his thoughts on his career and buying income property. I cautioned him again about the VT house and he said she had yet to send him the financials. I said well demand them its been three weeks, I don't want to make her mad and lose the house to someone else he said. Are you kidding me? She is the agent you are the customer she should have had this to you, do you want me to call and pretend I am an investor and get that info? Yeah that would be good he said. I then said he should looked at those two families here in NJ, I stopped sending them to you as you never replied to me. Well I can't he said, oh I forgot SHE might see you writing to me, no no that's not it he said I don't know what to say. THANK YOU would be a good thing I said, losing my patience with him, and walking in the house. After he left I did shoot off an e-mail to my realtor Mike asking him to call Randy, I CCed him and he said thank you. Before bed I sent him one last text, saying you know it hurts me that you only find time to come see me when the wife's gone the kids gone and the bar is closed. I got no reply.....

Driving to work I had him on my mind and I know that who he is both endears me to him and drives me nuts at other times. I realize that my getting upset with him is me not accepting him for the person that he is. He isn't acting any different that who I have known him to be. I really am so tired of this, so tired of this and only I can stop it. Mary called me the next day to hear all about my date and the Randy stuff, she said sheeessssee Cassie, you know sometimes the universe will move heaven and earth to bring two people together, but free will in the end always prevails and Randy just wants to stay Randy, staying immature and selfish and not thinking about how you feel. She said she was sorry that the date didn't work out but to keep looking and keep dating and enjoying myself. She said if Randy wants to see me I should do exactly what he does to me and say maybe, let me see if my girlfriends or my son or my cousin or my work friend wants to do anything with me and if not then sure I will hang out with you. I told her right now in this moment I do not want to see him, his behavior is a real turn off to me, she said she can see why. I know one thing, when I get to the end of all this I will have learned a great deal on living in the moment, tolerance, un-conditional love etc...... But then again just because you love someone doesn't mean you should spend your life with them.........on the other hand there was a lesson sent to me:

if you become ruffled with every comment that

you consider a 'slight,' you will never find peace.

Nor will you find it by always separating yourself from

those who ruffle you. You can only end so many

friendships before you find yourself very much alone.

You can keep making new friends, of course, but

sooner or later they will ruffle you -- and then what?

Perhaps the better course might be to let the ruffle

go. People rarely mean it when they do that, and a

touch of gentle tolerance and easy forgiveness every

day is even better than an apple...

I'd have to eat a lot of apples to put up with Randy......... LOL Yet no matter what he's the one my heart keeps going back to.....

Tuesday at work I contacted the realtor in Vermont about the finacials on the house and he sent me everything I asked for. I sent it all to Randy and gave the place a thumbs down. I texted him to tell him to check his e-mail. He replied Ok Thanks. My heart softened to him some and my anger faded, I said Dear God why do I love this man so? Because I want you to love him, will you do this for me was what I heard in my head. And I shrugged my shoulders and said Ok Lord, whatever you ask. There really isn't anything more to it than that. Again I was getting myself caught up in me wanting to be loved, and being hurt when he wasn't loving me back in the manner in which I want to be loved... He has always loved me, in the Randy sort of way, which at times is quite nice but not always the way that I yearn to be loved..... If I learned to quit being hurt for what I am NOT getting and instead be greatful for what I am getting I would be just fine. God knows the desires of my heart, and God and no one else will bring them to me. Counting on any human being is only setting myself up to fail. Now that being said it doesnt mean that I can't continue to desire certain things in someone whom I woud choose to be a mate, relationships are all about agreements between two people, contracts so to speak and just as I would not buy a house that has only two walls I also would not bind myslef to a man who doesn't want to be my best friend and spend days off with me. Really truly so very simple when you take the big emotions and pain out of it. It really has nothing to do with me either, what or who he loves is a fruit of who HE is not who I am.

Wednesday was a work from home day, and in between complaints coming in I threw a few more things in the donation bag for the Veterans fund. I felt compelled to toss in a bag of spiritstones. That's what seems to be coming to me more, to GIVE and to let God take care of the recieving for me. My new friend and neigbor took me out to dinner and we had a good time, I found out she is spiritual and has some "powers" of her own which is always cool to discover. I also told her Jeremy would help her with some construction projects, that he really does love to help others, and he has learned that when he works for free God brings him paying jobs in other ways. All in all a good evening and I was happy to have made a friend a few blocks away. I was feeling pretty darn good till I went to bed and watched a romatic movie....I ended up crying and feeling sad and that I think is the first time I cried in this new house. I didn't like it at all and I prayed to God to bring me a man to love me and be with me and be a companion to me. Randy just doesnt want to spend as much time with his mate as I am looking for...

Thursday was my first day of vacation, and it was raining when I woke up....so I did some chores around the house but made plans to go to the beach the next day with a friend. I went to the Goodwill store and saw a chair and felt like I should buy it, was a wheeled desk chair on clearance for only $4 but I passed... Then I came home and watched TV and napped. Got up took Jeremy somewhere then napped some more till dinner. I am worrying about how much I nap and don't get out, I do have this sinus stuff going on but so tired of using nasal sprays constantly. Then my neighbor came over and had dinner with us and I gave her a Reiki treatment for her shoulder pain. I came up with a neat guided meditation for her and when we were done she told me this is the first time she felt zero pain in a very long time. I am still amazed that this actually does anything for anyone as I don't feel anything but everyone seems to have great results. I think I am going to start advertising free Reiki or by donation only. I need to share this gift and let god take care of my finances. Afterwards we sat down at my readings table and my son had taken my wheeled desk chair for his room, now I know why spirit told me to get that one........so we went back and it was still there. God had supplied a need even before I had known that I needed it!

Today I want you to see what it is that you have to give, what gifts you have that you can share with others, what things you may have that you can pass along, what good deed you can do for another. And most importantly who and where you can love, just love and not be concerned with what comes back to you.........

With Love and in the Light, Cassie

8-1-11 First Harvest

8-1-11   First Harvest

Friday I was supposed to go to this big meetup just a bit further down the shore from me but in the afternoon I started getting really bad sinus pain and pressure and ear aches and dizziness. I decided to take a little nap after work and see if I did not feel better later and could go. When I woke up it was raining quite a bit and my head did not feel any better so I stayed home. I am starting to feel really bad about not getting out more to socialize but its useless to go when I don't feel like it. Anyway while I was napping I had a very distinctive dream, I was in a big new house and had a big new bed (these represent my life) and I wanted to nap and my buddy Mike was visiting me and wanted to nap with me, but he wanted to spoon and cuddle me, I felt odd but I let him and it made me feel better. In the dream I had a black cat with very blue eyes and it came to watch us and it didn't like him, it kept "talking to me" and I translated to him what the cat said and he was like why do you listen to the cat this is nice (he says nice in a sarcastic way). And then in my dream my Mom came and said what a nice boy he is what's wrong with him and I said Mom last week you liked the other guy. She just told me she wished I'd pick one already, let someone love me... I looked up what Cat means and it says it represents an independet spirit, female sexuality and a black cat represents fear in using my intuition and psycic power, and an aggressive cat means I am having problems with the female aspect of myself...

Humm food for thought...... especially since the quote that stuck in my head from the many I saw this day was this: , "Let yourself be loved. . . LET yourself be loved. . . ." Elizabeth of the Trinity. Oddly enough on the facebook page of Oriah.Mountain.Dreamer the very one who TWO of her poems had been the ones I put on my attract your soul mate poster I made 4 yrs ago, the one that I made just before I met Randy.....

But it was friday and he hadn't been to my bed since last saturday, nor spent time with me since sunday, nor seen me in person since tuesday and it had been 24 hrs since he texted me.... I had been thinking about this for the past 24 hrs and I was seriously thinking of blowing him off on sunday. Poor little Cassie I never seem to feel loved.... and if you try to tell me you love me I will put up hoop after hoop after hoop for you to jump through. So weather Randy is the one or not I still have things I can learn here....why would I blow off what will probably be a perfectly good and somewhat romantic sunday evening just because he didn't come see me during the week? I had been talking to Mary on thursday about one of the women who came to yoga and basically what we came to was that there are so so so very many out there who are NOT in relationships because we are so afraid, our pain bodies hurt so much, we have such a huge list of what we absolutely must have and won't compromise on that we never meet anyone who foots the bill! Relationships are after all about two people taking who I am and who you are and finding a middle ground where the two can live in harmony....... There was no reason to be upset with Randy for not wanting to come see me, when I saw him last I flippantly tossed "see you sunday" at him and when he said oh I said yes and walked away. This still for me is not about finding love, its about finding all the barriers that I put up to keep it away from me.......

Saturday morning I woke up and puttered around trying to decide what to do with my day, part of me wanted to go to The Hook as I hadn't used my beach pass enough, part of me wanted to go to the Soulsational Fest but I feared the heat, most of me was feeling sad about Randy not coming to see me at all this week. I decided to clean a bit and think and wait for my son to wake-up, perhaps he would go with me to the Festival. I read an article in GuidePosts about saying thank you for what I have so I did some of those and then I got a text from Randy saying I am off tomorrow! I said oh good do you want to go to the hook early then, like 9am? Either that or to a motorcycle rally he said. That took me off guard, and I was annoyed but I just said Ok well let me know if you want to hang with me or not...sure will he replied. I sat there and wanted to with everything I had get angry and say you know what never mind, if you have to weigh your options with me and a motorcycle thing forget it. But I knew that this is who he is and its so rare for him to be off and he LOVES to ride and he so wants to make a friend to ride with, it would be selfish of me to deny him that. However......I must also think of myself too, so I decided to enjoy my day and mentally gave him till 6pm to contact me and let me know if he was hanging with me or not the next day. Otherwise I was going to make myself some other plans.... Yes we must love and accept others how they are but never at the price of our own happiness and we women especially tend to build our lives around men and then when they want to do something on thier own we get our feelings hurt, not good not good at all. I even prayed for someone else to spend my day with if I wasn't going to be with him....

Driving down to the festival I got a call from the guy from Staten Island from Biker or Not, he wanted to know if I wanted him to come meet me and take me for a ride on his Harley softail so I said sure and we made plans for the next day.... When I arrived at the festival I texted Randy: Ok I found something else to do tommorow, enjoy your day off, maybe we can do the picnic we planned next week. His reply was see U tonight (he knew he was on shaky ground with me) since the music was loud I didn't here the message so after an hour he sent another: what you doing tonight? Now the reader I saw at the festival said I needed to communicate and I needed to take back my power in all aspects of my life, she also didn't see any romance right now and she said my dream was very telling, that I need to take down my barriers to love so I was unsure about what I was doing but I replied to him: Sorry I am in Bayville, you didn't say you wanted to hang with me tonight. Now I knew perfectly well I would be home later and available but honestly I had lost interest in being with him now, I cant get frisky when I am ticked and hurt and I felt I had a justifiable right to be. For good measure I put in an emergency call to Mary....

Oh crap was his reply to that, so I said I been planning all week for tommorow and horny all week waiting for you to come over but we dont seem to want the same things at the same times....OK we go tommorow he sent back....No that dude called me and asked me out since you said maybe you were blowing me off for that rally I said yes to him.....OK see u soon he replied........Yup was all i had left in me. I came home and rested and Mary called and she said well Cassie this is just Randys typical childlike selfish behavior, he wanted to see you till a better offer came along but he wanted to keep you on hold just in case that fell through, you were exactly right how you reacted. Good I said I didn't want to think that me refusing to see him tonight was me being stubborn, no she said you are teaching him to make you a priority and stick to his commitment to you he has never learned this yet in his life. So I felt good that I was handling this correctly. Later in the night though about 8 ish I got a text from him: Are you cheating on me?..........I had so many things I wanted to say at that point but too much for a text and he wasn't calling so I just sent back: That question makes no sense..... I sat down and wrote him an e-mail explaining w/o yelling how I felt about what took place that day and that we had no commitment so I can do whatever I want with my time he is not with me but I would see him IF he had time for me and I did not have other plans......He logged online but he did not answer my mail.....probably went and got a bottle and is now feeling sorry for himself. He wonders why he is always alone and has no friends but he does not see that its because he is so slefish in this regard. I thought back on how my friend Mike had called me this morning and how we both had said that we want relationships that we spend lots of time together, have common interests, etc. I dont want to be attached at the hip 24/7 but if my guy gets an unexpected day off I want him to want to spend it with me, even if we do some compromising on how we spend it..... Randy he just wants to play with the boys and sneak time in with the girlfriend around the times he cant be with the guys playing....... He still hasnt changed, loving him is too lonely of a place for me....... he isnt making me his first love....... Even his bike its not safe for me, I would ride with him if he got a safe bike, love would want to protect his woman and not take her out on a bike that 40 yrs old and falling apart....

Sunday I wake up and see Randy totally ignored my e-mail of explaining how I felt about his behavior but he replied OK to my forward of a couple who had wanted to meet at Gunnison, I sent thier number to him and said you call. I was doing my e-mail and got a text from him....so we going he said......No I was not lying when I told you that I made a date with that other guy when you told me maybe you were blowing me off for that motorcycle rally.....and for good measure I added besides you didn't come over for pokey all week.....his reply: oh ok well maybe I will see you later today......I said no, you hurt me very much and I don't want to see you for a few days. I meant it to, perhaps I would be a better person if I could forgive and forget that fast but I am not, besides if there are no consequences how will he wish to change? Oh ok was all he had to reply...and mind you all text messages no phone call. I decided to add one last thing: Its a shame you never learned to think about how you make other people feel, this is why nobody good ever stays with you. That shut him up.......for awhile.....

I went out and I rode my bike down to the bay to collect shells and rode back, I went down a few more streets and rode a bit farther than other trips which pleased me. I did some weed pulling in the yard and came in to get ready for my date. He called about 1pm and asked if we could push our 2pm time back to 3 as he had tennats to deal with. I said sure and headed out for a quickie shopping trip, the heat was brutal though and by the time I got home at 2:30 I was exhausted. I texted and asked him if we could move the date to 6pm as it was hot and I wanted a nap and he said sure. I got comfortable and soon as I laid down my phone went drrrooooiiiidddd. I was Randy. How is your date? I ignored it and drifted off.... 1 and half hours later drrrooooiiiiddd. Randy again, Hi he said. OMG what a dummy ok fine I thought so I said Postponed the date am going at 6pm how was your motorcycle thing? I stayed home he replied. So ya hurt my feelings and wasted a day off for nothing eh? Yeah.... Well at least he sees that so I sent back well next time you should remember the level of reliability before you think of maybe blowing me off. All he had to say to that was so where have ya been..to which I replied: I gotta go now Dave's on his way..........OK he said

The biker guy was very nice, his bike was awesome and we rode it all around Keyport and over to Cliffwood Beach and up past the 7-11 then we got on 35 and rode it all the way to Freehold and back. I am getting really good at riding for a long time, who knows maybe someday I can have my dream of seeing the USA this way. I wish I had liked Dave more but there just wasn't a spark, at the end of the night he went to hug and kiss me and I just wasn't into it. I can't help it if I don't feel anything can I? It's a shame too he really wants a committed relationship, he makes good money, he's got faith....but he smokes heavily and I quit several years ago, plus just no chemistry...When he hugged me and went to kiss me I just dogged the kiss. I so wanted to tell him I'd love to be friends and would ride anytime but I know most guys don't like the F word (friend) So after watching the sunset over Keyport bay I told him have a safe ride home and I came home..... But hey now I have ridden a Fat Boy and a Soft Tail I wonder what else I can ride???

Monday I headed to the office for work and Randy was heavily on my mind. Its such a shame that he keeps choosing motorcycles and snowmobiles and playing as his first love , I know its because in his life it's all he's been able to count on but still I know he's not content yet  can't figure out why.... I shall sow a few seeds of prayer for him and go about my life...there is much to do and I can't focus everything on one thing....

Today is the celebration of Lammas, the first harvest of the summer season a good time to reflect on if the seeds you have planted are bringing you enough to sustain you over the winter or not.......If not perhaps you need to plant a few extra rows or try a new crop..........

With Love and in the Light, Cassie

 Lammas/Lughnasadh/1st Harvest Aug 1st, the Festival of Sacrifice, with love, one comes into our lives so fast & suddenly has to give ultimate Sacrifice by leaving us behind, we feel grief, alone, & sad but offered us the opportunity to feel & know love...True love & with that, we grow our next harvest mightier then before...Think of all the Sacrifices you had to suffer & make!
Happy lammas

Timothy Johnson

TILL I GAIN CONTROL AGAIN one day, i will have my feet back on the ground, you'll look at me, and see the man you first found, there will never be another, my love only knows your name, drugs and booze dont know me, ive just lost so much of me, i feel i no longer matter, i have no home everywheres the same,my love i hope you'll wait for me, till i gain control again...THE OUTLAW POET