9-2-11 Cleansing Hurts - Releasing Anger
Monday after the storm and while cleaning up and getting ready for the workshops I just felt such joy, the air was warm but the first hints of fall where there for sure. I am ready for summer to be over I just hope we have a nice long warm sunny fall! I made up my mind to start working on writing the workshops that I want to give this winter, Attract Your Soul-mate and Attract Abundance for starters, although I am not sure I am qualified to teach the attract your Soul-Mate since I am miserably failing at that subject. My friend Anthony posted a link on FaceBook: Spirit Science: Lesson 1 - Thoughts almost as if he knew I could use a little refresher course! He definitely is a part of my soul family. It is very important to guard your thoughts as they do create your reality. I hope I can stop thinking about Randy so much...I do not want him in my life he hurts me makes me so sad he is not an honorable man......
Tuesday back at the office not a whole lot going on. I heard reports of flooding all over and my co-workers having all kinds of difficulties getting to the office but my commute wasn't much different than usual. We also had like 3 buildings closed due to power outages but mine miraculously was not effected! I also heard the tales and saw the pictures of the flooding that some had suffered and thanked God again for sparing my area and my spirit for guiding me to spread my SpiritStones around. I did find a photo on another blog of my town, and some people walking up who had been surfing at Cliffwood Beach I swear that looks like the wet suit I got Randy for his BD last fall, that has to be him and his "kids"... It took everything I had to not send him that picture..... I didn't like the idea of him coming over to MY side of whale creek, made me kinda mad, but then again his mother does just live up the block..... At least his "kids" weren't wearing wet suits and carrying surf boards, only he is that goofy to go surfing in a hurricane and flood.
Wednesday was a work from home day and also getting ready for the meditation workshop. I kept getting messages about being alive, starting my projects, today is the day the time is now. And as if to confirm this Anthony posted this Spirit Science 6 - Flower of Life
I was happy also that my birthday gift to myself finally arrived, even though I had to pay extra money since I had forgotten to change my address on e-bay. The forwarding fee was almost as much as the shipping fee! But check them out aren't they nice? This is what I want to manifest now in my life, a handsome Harley guy to ride with this fall. I noticed how the doll has a mustache and goatee just like the image in my brain of my soul-mate. I recalled how I used to try to get Randy to grow one but he never was able to grow it very thick, or keep it for long.....oh well guess puberty really hasn't fully set in on him yet hahahaha. Speaking of Randy when I went out to throw the box they came in in the trash he had just driven past my house....made me kinda mad though, I felt like throwing an empty can from the recycle bin at his truck, I stopped myself because he probably would have thought I threw it to get his attention. There he was driving by, again, yet he had ignored me and refused to come over the whole week that I needed his help to take Jeremy to get stuff for my car. I want a man who shows up when I need him, not only when its convenient for him. I also want a man who likes my son, he needs a friend too and will always be with me.
In the evening Wendy came to give the mediation workshop. She really liked my new home and said it has such wonderful energy, just a tad bit of negative in the basement. It's probably from Jeremy I told her... She was surprised I had no flood waters or power outages since she has been dealing with all the flooding at her sisters house and when I told her about me putting SpiritStones all around she said oh you did say you were called to move down there to heal the waters. I showed her my vision board for my soul-mate, she said I should go ahead and teach the workshop even though I hadn't attracted my soul mate yet, when you teach you learn she said, and when you give you receive I recalled.... We did a good bit of Chakra clearing meditations and she also worked on me individually. She said that I have a lot of pain and fear inside me relating to love and allowing love in. I recalled how my mother told me that no one would ever love me and I shared that with her, she said she saw lots of pain and sadness leaving me. She said she saw stuff with Victor come up and that I need to let go there too and create separation. I guess I have been missing him and feeling sad that our stone business and friendship dissolved. I told her I was hurting very much over Randy too, we left that for another day..this is the first of 4 workshops she is doing at my house. I think though my original plan of shoving him out of my mind and not thinking of or talking about him is a bad one. Besides the fact that it just doesn't work as you can see, I am going to have to go through this to get to the other side, and on the other side of it is the only place that I am going to find healing and joy and that's the only way I can attract my soul-mate is to be in healing and joy otherwise I am just going to attract another mistake, or I am going to shove every good guy away with my negativity about Randy.
Thursday at work I was discussing a drug shortage we were having and that one contract manufacturer wasn't going to make it for us anymore and that we are looking for a new one. I could tell the product manager was stressing some trying to resolve the issue so I told him that I would send Reiki to the situation so it resolves as from the complaints I read the people really miss this drug. I told him don't mind me I am a nutty spiritual type and I hope he had a relaxing holiday weekend. It really is true that no matter what career field you are in you can do good work in it to help others and humanity. Other than that it was a not too crazy day. I kept looking at the picture from the boys at Cliffwood Beach and decied it had to be them, so since I was working on releasing anger I decided to send it to him and said look at the idiots. I left work and headed home to get ready for Wendy and the workshop. On 35 I passed Randy and he saw me (he doesn't see me everyday) and I flipped him the finger! It felt good,darn good. When I got home he had texted me saying I Cee U...yeah did you see me give you the finger I replied? That's not nice he sent back. Well you are not nice to me, now stop contacting me or I will go over and tell "the wife" everything, and then I spewed out a couple more texts to which he had no reply. He is no stranger to angry women, he's left a trail of them in his life so I know this didn't phase him much. Still it felt good to get the anger out, I have had a lot of abuse in my life but I wasn't allowed to express my anger. Wow maybe this is the reason for him in my life? To help me heal about the abandonment, the not showing up when I need the not caring the not nurturing that I never got from my mother and my husband....
Meditation that night was all about anger and I told them I had let out a great deal of it today. Good good good Wendy said and the others also shared some too. She said this was good and healthy to let it out but she said now I am going to teach you to turn your anger INSIDE to use its energy for postitve things. I am not sure I get this yet but I will have more lessons, all I know was the letting out part I had that down! LOL She also did a healing on me again and said she saw that I am afraid to open up my power, that I have so much more of it but I supress it. She said she saw a vision of me burning at the stake in another life, that explains that she said! You have been wiccan in many lives she said and I told her I felt that way but I fear it very much due to my strict christian upbringing in this life. Anyway the last thing we did was ask God to speak to us, I was so tired and thought nothing would come but it did. three things: I love you, I will take care of you, I don't want you to be alone either. I wept. Then I wrote my questions to God: What's wrong with me that I don't have a mate, What's my pourpose here? What should I Focus on. As you know I have so many things going on but I feel I would be better if I narrowed it down some. I am going to trust these answers will come to me as I work on my healing..... I trust in my God that these things which bring me sadness and pain, the lessons that I learn from them utimately will be the scource of my joy. I know that I need to get past my not feeling loved and being abandoned thing so that when the right man does come around for me I will be ready for him....
Today I want you to think about what hurts you, what makes you angry, write it down on a list, tuck it away and save it......a year from now lets bring them back out and see if we learned anything......remind me....
With Love and In the Light, Cassie
What I am angry about today 9-2-11
* I am angry that Randy doesnt love me enough to be there for me and my son when I need him and for lying to me and the woman he lives with and being a user and a cheater and a taker
* I am angry at my mother and my husband for not loving me and not nurturing me
* I am angry at my birth father for abandoning me and never being a presence in my life
* I am hurt at my oldest son for condeming my faith and very angry at my father for teaching him to think this way about me
* I am angry at God for keeping me to be a helper to all and never bringing me a good mate to nurture me
* I am angry at myself for being overweight and for wasting so much of my life wishing one man after another would shape up and be a good mate instead of moving on right away
whew enough for now! those are the biggies
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