Please go to the Fall/Winter 2011-12 blog to see what happens next on my path...
http://cassiespath4.blogspot.com/
http://cassiespath4.blogspot.com/
Friday, September 23, 2011
9-23-11 Be Ground
9-23-11 Be Ground
Monday after work I picked up a vacuum from a free cycler and she ended up giving me two. Mine doesn't work so well and I need a better one, then maybe Jeremy can fix it some and sell it. He likes to tinker on stuff and if nothing else it will give him something to do while he waits for work. Earlier in the day a fear about money crossed my mind and for the first time I felt true peace that I need not worry, God would provide. I also thought about not having a mate and I felt a true sense of that too being all right that it was only a matter of time, that I would have one because I want one and God will provide. I thought a moment of Randy and how I was glad I came to my senses, realizing he just wasn't at all being who I needed and wanted. I saw him heading to work on my way home from work, he looked and felt lonely and sad but that could me my own thoughts, surely he is not alone and sad as he chose to keep that pretend wife. After I got home I was out in the yard doing a few things when the neighbor came home and she and I chatted a bit. I found out about trick or treat night and was so excited that for the first time ever I will live in a home where kids come around for treats! I then headed off to get my final ingredients to make the pumpkin cookies we used to have when I was growing up, I really am loving my home and liking decorating and cooking...
Tuesday was an at the office day also pretty hectic day for me and then driving home my buddy called me, he had broken up with yet another woman, course I thought it was the right move for him as he really isn't feeling it with her either. He thinks something is wrong with him that he doesn't appreciate these perfectly ok women but I tell him he needs the spark and should not go hook line and sinker for anyone till he feels that and wants no other woman. I also told him that he should take a good hard look at the mistakes he made when he was in love with one and be sure he has fixed those issues. I told him he should be glad that THE one hasn't come along if he's not ready yet. After we hung up I got to thinking how many times he and I have fought with one another and "broken up" our friendship, always because of hurts and pains and jagged edges we both have. But the love we have for one another brings us back together time and time again and each time we have grown and matured and healed some. I decided to tell him that from now on we must vow to NEVER "beak up again" and to tough it out. He agreed.
Wednesday I had a rough day, was a work at home day but my computer was not working so I had to rush off into the office, no shower and much later and thusly much more traffic. I stopped and Dunkin Doughnuts to get a big and toasty since the cafe would be closed by the time I got to the office. I reflected on the idea that the night before I had heard a comercial for those and wished I could get one but its cheaper to buy at the cafe at work, not to mention I am not hungry yet at 6:30 am.... I thought I need to fine tune my attracting skills if that were the case! LOL I wanted it but I didnt want to have to go to the office on a work from home day to get one! But I did get the IT person over and we did some fixes to my computer and we got a new system put on rush order... Driving home that night I was doing more thinking of what the heck I am going to be for Halloween this year, I ruined the one last fall that I had for years by gluing all that ribbon on it and now this year I don't have the money to buy anything....but...I had a flash of inspiration of something I can be using things I already have and I can buy a few things at the dollar store to finish it off! I am psyched! I am keeping it a secret for now.....
Thursday I worked from home and was paying bills, I did not have enough money for one of the bills and was very concerned. It wasn't due for a few weeks but I knew that my next pay check must go to the rent. So I put this one aside and put a note for find the cash to pay this. My one roomate, the 23 yr old had agreed to move into the basement so he could have use of the big area for his TV and his friends, which makes it nice too for Jeremy as he likes to chill with them too. I told them they have to keep in neat though for when I get a Reiki client or am having a yoga session or workshop. Honestly though I don't know how we can fit yoga in there and I started to think about and pray for a place for us to have it once it gets too cold to do it on the beach. Later in the day one of my old Reiki clients contacted me and wanted a session! I was so excited and we managed to squeeze it in before going to an event. This gave me the cash for 1/4 of that bill and I thanked God for it. I also asked for the rest of the money and more clients and I prayed for a place to do the Yoga come winter time. It crossed my mind that a nursing home day room might be a good idea and I could give some free reiki to the paitents for trade...
The event was nice, not my cup of tea to sit around and drink but I and my ginger ale were quite happy. The reiki client was there and she told some people about my services. I also saw the guy friend who had attacked me brutally last week when I was trying to help him and a friend. I had made up my mind to not get close to him as this was not the first time he had gotten brutal on me. But when he saw me he came right over with arms wide open for a hug, I had to hug him I can't be brutal back what's the point in that? He said I am so so so sorry, I said I was in shock that is how he thinks of me and he said of course I don't I was just having a really bad day. So I decided to accept his apology and move on from that recognizing that he just has rough edges still from the pain in his life thats not finished healing. If I want to be forgiven I must first be a forgiver, and God knows I still have a few of my own rough edges left. To make it up to me he asked me to go to an event with him the next night and pay for everything since he knows my finacial woes, I accepted.
That night heading home I felt a bit sad that none of the guys hit on me but I decided to just figure God isnt done with me and ready to share me yet. As I walked out of the place that night I was suprised to see fireworks going off on the beach! The first up close fireworks I had seen all summer! Reason being that I was at home, in bed with Randy all the times we had local ones had gone off. I looked up and I smiled and I thought see who needs him for there to be fireworks in my life, I can find them by myself! Driving home though I did think of Randy some and how what a shame it was that he choose to stay with no love and affection instead of come to be with me, but I know I deserve better treatement that he gave me. My next thoughts were of how can I advertise to get more paying Reiki clients to help me pay my bills. The voice inside me spoke: Would you really SELL the gift I gave you? it asked. Well no I replied I guess I would not, I will use it to help anyone who needs me but give me some volunteer oportunitues and help me pay my bills.
The next morning while reading facebook I saw a friend had posted a phone number to call to sign up to volunteer to give Reiki to Hospice and nursing home paitents. I knew that I had to call and sign up for this! Who knows maybe if I GIVE more free Reiki God will bring me some more paying customers too......if you want to recieve first you must give. The same with Love, I want to be loved and wanted and cared for so first I must love and want and care for the people who show up in my life, no matter how bad they may behave at times. If they choose to walk away from me thats one thing but no more shunning anyone, I just have to be mindful of how close I get to those who still have rough edges, and I must be mindful to continue the healing work in myself to file off the rest of my own jagged edges.....I didn't get the crop I wanted this year because I still need to get rid of the rocks in the soil of my life...
Today what can you do to work on smoothing off your edges, tossing out those rocks from your soil? Who can you give love to and who can you help? Practice these things so that loving and giving is just who you are.......this is a lovely time to make a big change, its the autum equinox, a new moon and its time for not only the leaves to change......
With Love and in the Light, Cassie
Monday, September 19, 2011
9-19-11 Little Girl Hurts
9-19-11 Little Girl Hurts
Friday night I didn't get to use my free tickets from Hay House to see a new movie screening that was being hosted by Dr Wayne Dyer. I was really bummed out about that. The reason being I had been on the phone and waiting for IT all day to help me get online and get my computer up and running, I hadn't even showered all day! When my quitting time came I gave up and took a nap, luckily my co-worker took care of things and I resolved to fix the issue on Monday. When I woke up I was really tired so I stuck around home and worked on sorting the Halloween decorations. I am sooooooo happy to have a home that I love enough to want to decorate again.
Saturday I got up and drug Jeremy and his two friends who came down to spend the weekend over to the township works place to get mulch for the back yard and flowerbeds. We made three trips with two cars and got a good deal done. I gave them each $10 so they could get pizza and beer for helping me. After thinking about it though I realized it would have been cheaper to BUY mulch at home depot like I usually do. LOL After that I went to Sandy Hook to meet a friend to go biking. I had posted it last minute as an event but only the two of us went, which was fine with me,her too actually as we got to spend more time talking to one another. I headed off up the path and was surprised that I had to go a bit slower so she could keep up with me! Here I was worried so much about going with someone else and disappointing them with my skills and I was good! I guess I have made some progress! I recall when I was a girl it took me a bit longer to learn to ride a bike than the other kids, reason being is my grandma raised me and was so fearful all the time that I would get hurt. My boy cousins were such daredevils and always coming home scraped up so Grandmas fears seemed reasonable to me. But in time my desire to ride over came my fear and I have always liked to ride but I confess mostly I prefer to ride alone in case I fall and look foolish or can't keep up, this day was healing for me to ride with someone else and not mess up.
I got a text from from my friend Michelle as I was leaving biking asking me if I was going to go to the dancing event last night, I was relieved to hear from her. The reason for this is my ex-event partner was a mutual friend and soon as she got mad at me for getting the tickets this started posting that she can't go to yoga anymore and was busy, I didn't know if she was backing off, I have lost a few friends when someone gets mad at me and bad mouths me so I brace myself each time. I was so happy to see she wasn't ditching me. But anyway I had not wanted to go to this particular venue either because they are the one's who screwed me out of money in the spring, I was boycotting the place but did feel bad as so many people I know go there still. It was a good thing I did go, the event manager came over and apologized to me for how I got treated, said it was not handled fairly at all and that manager was fired and they have a new one (karma rules!). So that was a relief, I was silly to run away hurt I should have stood up and fought but that is the little girl pain in me that lingers on....I never stand up and fight I just run and hide.... Well not always but often. We had a blast though that night and I got to pass out many of the tickets for the Almost Queen concert, I even went over and gave two to my ex stone business partner. I miss him sometimes, I still think it's very wrong that he kept the stones I bought and my flash drive but life's too short to worry over material things. He can stay stubborn if it suits him but I am not. I gotta say also that I just LOVE the people down here and they love me, many know me as they traveled to my BBQ's back at the old house. My buddy Mike even came down and said he likes it better down here too, after the event he took me out to breakfast and we made plans to go to events down here a lot.
Sunday morning I was sleeping late, it was past 9am and I was still sleeping when my phone rang. It was my buddy Mike wanting me to go bike riding with him down at Sandy Hook and then go watch football in the afternoon. I said no, and regretted it later when I was awake as it was a beautiful day out and I should have done something fun with it. Instead I used the day to get the house cleaned up, get groceries, and work on sorting Halloween stuff. I really should have made Jeremy do the house clean up though as it was the friends he had over for the weekend that caused so much work. Time to make him grow up a bit more and allow myself to be a bit more free......but he's much better than this time last year. Oh well..... still it was a peaceful day and I needed that. In the evening my friend and I were posting back and forth and finally she said to call so I did. We had a great talk and I confessed to her that I was worried I was losing her due to the fight I had with the mutual friend and how relieved I was that she wanted to go to that event with me. She said of course I am not going to back off from this friendship, we get along great.. She did tell me that the other woman had contacted her and basically told her that she had to choose because she would not be comfortable staying friends with anyone who is close to me. How sad how sad how this junior high behavior, this woman has some deep sad wounds inside her, I must remember to pray for her more often. I told my friend I am shocked at her level of attack on me, I did nothing to HER all I did was get tickets for the same place she goes to. It's not like she can't still get tickets or that I told the manager that she was no longer associated with me or my website. Nothing happened to her but she is in such range and anger and hurt. Yes yes I must pray for her even more and send her peace and blessings. If she is going to de-friend everyone who is also my friend she's going to not have many left.
Monday morning and I am back at work, the computer problem I had at home went away once I plugged in at the office. I talked to my co-worker and thanked her profusely for covering for me on Friday, she said no problem. I am thinking maybe God just gave me an extra day.....I had enjoyed the time playing and getting out Halloween stuff. Like I said it's been a long time since I felt like decorating my home.... And I only thought about Randy once over the weekend, sunday evening when I was trying to put air in my car tires.....I thought about texting him but realized it was too soon to try to be friends....maybe someday.....
Today I want you to think about the things in your life that make your mad, or sad, or upset you in anyway and I want you to see if you can relate those feelings to anything from your childhood. If so then see what you can do to heal those old wounds. I also want you to become like a child again and have that feeling of not being responsible for the weight of the world, dance and laugh and ride bikes or fly kites, lay in the grass and pick out shapes in the clouds or spin round and round until you fall down dizzy! do whatever you feel like doing!.........let your soul dance ..............
With Love and in the Light, Cassie
Our fear is even stronger when we think we are responsible
for others--our children, for example. We want to spare them pain, and
so we forget to listen to the Sound of Creation. No one learns from
someone else's mistake. If we respect others, we must recognize that they
have a right to their own dance. Their own spirits will guide them♥
~Keneshina.
for others--our children, for example. We want to spare them pain, and
so we forget to listen to the Sound of Creation. No one learns from
someone else's mistake. If we respect others, we must recognize that they
have a right to their own dance. Their own spirits will guide them♥
~Keneshina.
Friday, September 16, 2011
9-16-11 The Path to Love
If you have lost heart in the Path of Love Flee to me
without delay, I am a fortress; invincible.
Rumi ♥
without delay, I am a fortress; invincible.
Rumi ♥
9-16-11 The Path to Love
Tuesday work at the office day and back to back meetings, neither of which I really needed to be at. I swear I really hate how the corporate world sometimes works... I do like my job and my boss though and he gave me much praise indeed the day before when they crunched some numbers and compared how many complaints I handle compared to other groups. Still, I wish they'd show how much they like me with a promotion! Then again I made the choice to NOT finish my degree and pursue other ways to make money.... I had made plans to go bike riding on Saturday with a friend so decided to get that posted as an event. I also heard from some company that does a personality quiz and such to offer advice on dating and finding someone compatible. He called me on the drive home and we talked and plan to work together soon, I just need to find a venue to have the event in. Also I had replied the day before a thanks to Randy's birthday e-mail so today he replied with tell Jeremy Happy Birthday too. I replied: :i probably better not-he feels bad enough that you don't like him this will just make him upset all over again to mention your name. I figured that ought to be the end of that but I was wrong.....while I was getting ready to take Jeremy out for our birthday dinner I heard him on the phone and he came in and told me guess who that was, I didn't guess but I should have...Randy. Apparently since I wasn't going to wish him a happy birthday he did it himself. He texted him Happy Birthday and Jeremy just said thanks not recognizing the number, Randy sent back it's tomorrow right? So Jeremy called the number and discovered it was Randy who then asked him if he wanted to go out and get a beer to celebrate his 21st BD, he said yeah sure non committal and told me about it at dinner. I told him do what he wants, he's a grown up just don't get your hopes up too much you know how Randy is, yeah I know he said. The next day I had an e-mail from Randy asking my permission to take him out for a beer on Wed (his BD) part of me was overly cautious, part of me was glad someone wanted to take him out as I knew he was sad none of his friends could get a ride down. I simply replied I don't care, and tried hard to convince myself that I didn't....
Wednesday was a work at home day and I had the Yoga coming up in the evening, I kept praying for more bodies and worried I should cancel it and Nancy said no lets do it no matter how many. That really blessed me that she feels that way. These people who put the pressure on me for the numbers stress me so much, I know I need to find a way to not let that bother me. I got a phone call from my buddy and I almost didn't answer it, not only had he forgoten my birthday, hadn't taken me for a ride on his boat all summer, but HE dissed the numbers at one of my events on a facebook comment of the pictures I posted. I was so upset I wasn't going to talk to him for a long time but I ended up picking up and told him how I felt and he apologized for everything. He told me that I need to stop getting hurt and upset with people so much when they say things that upset me, you do push people away when you do that you know. I know I told him, I really don't care about the numbers, I know the big events its just the same old crowd desperately seeking love (count me in as one of those types sometimes) and we never get any closer to it, or we think we may have it and next thing you know the trap door opens and whoosh there you are back at the beginning again! Sometimes it sure feels like a game of chutes and ladders, I only wish I knew where to find more of those advance cards! LOL
So my work day ended and I was getting ready for Yoga and Jeremy took a shower and was getting ready to go out later, I was anxious for him, worried that Randy would back out on him, and reminded him of his UN-reliablity. I knew how hurt he would be if he didn't show up , that boy is as sensitive and as starved for love as I am. He said I am not getting my hopes up, and then rode his bike over to the liquor store to buy a few beers, just because he was 21 now and could he said. I headed down to the beach to meet Nancy for Yoga.....no one else was there or came. I felt bad for her that she came and wouldn't make any money but she said she was glad to come she needed to relax, so we talked and we did yoga together and she gave me one on one attention to modify the poses to fit my overweight body and stiff joints. She asked me what I want to do with my life and I told her I want to find an equal partner to be my husband and I want to help everyone I can and make money doing it. She said she too wants to make money helping others. She said to consider myself her partner in this yoga thing, she couldn't do it without me and she said I have such a wonderful aura about me. She said I need to love myself more and we discussed my weight issues, she is a Reiki master too and she said she will help me to heal all the sadness deep in my heart. We talked and discovered the main issue I have is my love of cookies and that I associate cookies with love as that's how my grandmother nurtured me when I almost was starved to death as a baby and then my neglectful hurtful mother who told me no one would ever love me all the time. It was a good time together and I know I peeled a few more layers off the pain around my heart....I still have a ways to go on this path, despite how far I have come so far with the work I have done but at least I got pointed in the right direction again.
When I got back to the house Jeremy had downed three beers, tall boys at that, but he informed me that Randy had called and said he was showing up to take him out. Ok good I hope so, but I know he's told me at 8:30 he was coming and gotten a call from his pretend family at 9:05 and not shown up....then again she probably knows I dumped him so he's not on her radar and have him on a tight leash so much these days.. I went and did my computer stuff and was getting up to get ready for bed about 9:20 and saw Randy pull in the driveway, Jeremy was in the restroom and I told him he was there, I hollered out that he would be out in a bit. Off they went and I settled in with my Netflix movies. At one point I got a bit worried about them driving back home after drinking and wondered if I should text one of them with a cautionary message but I talked myself out of it. Still I was glad when at 11:30 I heard him come in the door. Then I heard BOTH of them in the kitchen, and I could tell by their talk and the bumping into things that they were drunk. I was not pleased, then again it was his 21st..... I asked my guy friend about it the next morning and he said to just tell Jeremy no heavy drinking or he cant live with me, that was the rule up till now so don't change it. He said no use talking to Randy as he's not the mature one of the two, you got that right I said. Jeremy loves him though, maybe he can help him......that's what he needs....... Randy just better not be doing this to get me back, I really need a man who I can count on and who will take care of me and marry me, he has no desire to be that kind of man to anyone....
Thursday morning I woke to an e-mail in my box from my ex event partner, the subject line was hateful and a lie so I didn't even bother to open it and read it. I just don't need to engage in that drama anymore, not feeling the need to defend myself now there's an example of loving myself! My neigbor Mary posted the below poem on facebook and sent it to me too via e-mail, it fits so much into what I need and the theme this week that I just had to add it in. This is still the crux of my issues, I don't FEEL loved. Nancy had said the night before to think about me falling in love with someone and what do I do for them, I told her the main thing was I take care of them, am I taking care of me? I need to ponder that....I think I take care of me. When I got home from work Jeremy's carpet and some of his clothes were spread out in the back yard and I went in asked if the basement had flooded and he said no, what then? There was a mess he said, what kind of mess? I threw up ok? Sheeesee. He admitted to me that he and Randy sat there and drank beers and did shots till he was so drunk he doesn't remember the rest...lovely I said....well it was on his tab what did you think I was going to do? I was shocked that Randy paid! He never got me as much as a dollar store card! Well since it WAS your 21st birthday I will let it slide but don't make a habit of it I reminded him.
That evening I went to local business networking event that my friend who's a hypnotist invited me to, I met a few locals and got a free chair massage, reiki treatment and palm reading. I really liked my palm reading she said that I would be making more money soon, both from my job and getting some money from some government agency and also earning money in other ways but wasnt clear on how. She said that I will finally be able to treat myself well and get myself a good home, travel, treat myself from all the things I have been depriving myself of. She said I have been due for all this but I have some negativity blocking me. She also said I will not have many health problems and live to be very old and I will have another marriage and it would be a good one that would last me the rest of my life. She said look for the letter J in his first or last name. She said I haven't met him yet but when the two of us meet we will have an instant connection and know we belong together. But just like Nancy she said she can see the sadness around my heart, I suppose it's true. She was selling stones that were energy charged for $10 so I splurged and got one, I saw it wasn't any different than my stones and thought sheesee I could be getting more for mine! That night in bed watching TV I didn't feel sad seeing the women with loving husbands, instead I thought I am going to have one of those someday soon!
Friday a work from home day, I couldnt get online and was waiting for IT so I got some stuff done around here. One of those was to contact a friend whom I had met someone the night before who may be able to help him get a job. He was down at the camping event that I went to last year in Cape May and I was sad to not be there....maybe next year I can go again I told him. I then told him about the possible job and he got all negative on me and finally said that he was happier being a bum and not working. Well if that's your choice I told him..... It's sad that he doesn't believe in himself enough to get and keep a job and support himself. It kinda annoys me that he doesn't work, I but my behing working and he can go to the camping event and I can't afford to...ugh. I should have spent the money and went and trusted God to replenish, maybe that's one of the ways I haven't been loving myself?
Have you grown weary and sad on your path to love? Perhaps you aren't treating yourself well enough? Love attracts love, give to yourself and you will get more....... Keep the faith! Everyday we are getting better and better.....
With Love and in the Light, Cassie
May you find serenity and tranquility in a world you may not always understand. May the pain you have known, and the conflict you have experienced give you the strength to walk through life facing each new situation with optimism and courage. Always know that there are those whose love and understanding will always be there even when you feel most alone.
May you discover enough goodness in others to believe in a world of peace. May a kind word, a reassuring touch, a warm smile, be yours every day of your life, and may you give these gifts as well as receive them. Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending. Teach love to those who know hate, and let that love embrace you as you go into the world.
May the teaching of those you admire become part of you, so that you may call upon them. Remember, those whose lives you have touched and who have touched yours are always a part of you, even if the encounters were less than you would have wished.
May you not become too concerned with material matters, but instead place immeasurable value on the goodness in your heart. Find time in each day to see the beauty and love in the world around you. Realize that each person has limitless abilities, but each of us is different in our own way. What you may feel you lack in one regard may be more than compensated for in another. What you feel you lack in the present may become one of your strengths in the future.
May you see your future as one filled with promise and possibility. Learn to view everything as a worthwhile experience. May you find enough inner strength to determine your own worth by yourself, and not be dependent on another's judgments of your accomplishments.
And...... May you always feel loved ♥
Monday, September 12, 2011
9-12-11 All Souls Go to Heaven
9-12-11 All Souls Go to Heaven
Friday I worked from home a half day and then I had to take Jeremy to an interview with The Arc, they are supposed to help him get a job. It was promising, one of them even said perhaps he should have trade school and I said yes that's what we want for him! I am feeling very hopeful that we now have some help to get him on a good career path. In the evening I went over to The Starland Ballroom as I wrote to the guy and asked for tickets to his show for Almost Queen, a tribute band. I got the box office and asked for my tickets and was amazed at the HUGE stack he gave me, at least 250! I posted the event and crossed my fingers that I wouldn't get too much of a shit storm from my ex partner who has deemed this venue HER exclusive venue, despite the fact she used MY name to get the free tickets in the first place and got the idea from another big organizer. A couple of our mutual friends warned me she'd be livid and I just said well it was my name she used and for over 6 months I've steered clear but now its time for me to go back, she can learn to share or she can get out of my way!
Saturday I got up and ran errands and got ready for the big picnic on the beach, I had over 75 signed up and was all excited, we know that only about 30% show up who register but still I was hopeful.... till it started raining two hours before the event! I was shocked because usually I have such good weather karma too! I had even tossed a SpiritStone in the parking lot as I drove by the other day for good measure... Needless to say I had people dropping off left and right despite the fact I said I was doing it anyway we could come to my house if need be! By 2pm though the rain stopped and when I went to the beach 30 min later people were there setting up a canopy, the skies were clear and sunny and it was just lovely! We only ended up getting 20 people, and some came and only stayed for 30 min because of the small numbers (you know the perpetual looking types, not willing to stick around and make a new friend or two), but the rest of us had a blast! We took walks, we played horseshoes and badminton, we ate, we built a fire and we did laughter yoga, regular yoga and some improvisational acting lessons! Each person who had a talent or skill teaching it to the rest! I got some photos cassiescalendar facebook group and video Cassie Cal Ender on facebook and posted it on my profile. Those few of us who have been coming have been having an awesome time and we want to share the good times!
One of my friends brought me a gift for my Birthday to the picnic! I was so happy about that, she and I have been hanging out some this summer, we took a little walk together and I mentioned how afraid I was about getting the free concert tickets and she told me that my ex partner was throwing a fit about it and also because she and I were friends now. She said she kept saying I probably talk about her and wouldn't believe that I hadn't , I really hadn't given her a second thought until this ticket thing. I was sad to hear those two stopped being friends over this! I was worried more and wrote to another friend, one who had her share of problems with this same person and she had awesome advice for me, I need to share it so I don't forget it again and maybe you will find it useful someday too:
You have to live your life as if she doesn't exist. If she talks about you - who cares. Everything comes back to roost. People know what she is all about. If they don't at the moment, they will in time. Don't talk about her. Don't try and turn people against her or even tell the truth - then you look bad. Just pretend like she does not exist. You have every right to run an event wherever you want. Who cares how the Starland ballroom got started. It does not matter. But every time drama happens, your reputation gets beaten up in the cross-fire and you become known to be as much as a problem or cause as much drama as she does. Go and be happy in your new home, with your new groups, with new people. Cut her off. From your thoughts as well as your emotions. She simply doesn't matter. I promise you, you will be better for it. I couldn't be happier not having her in my life - or any meetup drama. I've been preaching this for over a year... DON'T ENGAGE.
I am heeding her advice.....you all should do the same when you encounter difficult persons in your life. But remember this that no matter how a person behaves on this earth, they came from the same place you came from and they will return to the same place you are going, so never forget to honor that soul in them and continue to pray for them.
P
In the afternoon Jeremy and I went to Sears to find him a birthday gift, the only thing he wanted was an X-box 360 and even used I couldn't afford it. So gift card and 20% off friends and family discount in hand off we went. He ended up finding sneakers he liked and a fleece lined hoodie. I ended up buying a blue ray player that will get my Netfix, it was half price and only $10 more than what I would have to pay for a cable to hook my Netflix to my TV anyway. One they way out we saw Randy's truck there at the service center and I asked Jeremy if we should put some concert tickets on his windshield. If you do he will call you he said. Ok then I won't I don't want him to call me I said, I really gotta let this go.....he decided to not choose me this life time, his chances are all up, I will see him when we go to heaven of that I am sure we are soul mates but his neglectful ways make me too sad.....
Monday I woke up to tons and tons of Birthday wishes on Facebook, all three profiles (my real one, my spiritual in NJ and Cassie Cal Ender) were packed with greetings that came in all day. I was suprised I didn't get more texts though, only two. One from my cousin Brad, who is the closest thing I have to a brother we grew up together, the other one was from....Guess who....Randy. He also sent an e-mail too. I was in a meeting at work when he texted so when we took a bathroom break I asked my co-worker what should you do if a guy you dumped but don't want back texted you Happy Birthday. She said just say thank you and nothing else. That's what I did. My older boy called me which was a real treat since he does so seldom, we had a good talk. He said he is saving money though for his move since he's getting out of the Air Force in the spring and I said that's ok I understand conserving money. I told him how Jeremy wanted an X-box and I couldnt get it and he said heck he can have mine I don't play it anymore. Prayer answered! Oh the little things are so easy! But anyway I ended up getting a candle from my friend Deb and an old shop rite $10 gift card that Jeremy had and thats it but the tons of love from all my freinds now that was the real gift! Each of those friends are a soul I will meet again in Heaven one day......
So as I reflect on my 51st birthday (those odd numbered years are the hardest ones for some reason) I listend again to the song Wendy posted to my profile and I realize that "over the hill" is a great place to be because it's a much easier ride back down..... I did these 50 years of climbing and struggling up this hill of life to learn my lessons and do my work, and oh I know that I am not done yet.....BUT.....because of the hard climb up this path and the lessons and the love and the souls that I have met....its all down hill now in a good sorta way! I am getting closer to home......
My college friend lost her mother this past week, she was a wonderful woman and a friend and second mother to me and my older boy when we lived in Los Angeles, I also shed a few tears over my own mom as this is the first birthday she wasn't hear to send me a present and despite the fact I seldom liked what she got me I sure did miss it this year.......Today I want you to look at each of the people you know and be greatful for them, love them, apreciate them and apreciate this life. Someday your soul will make its trip home too.........
With Love and in the Light, Cassie
James Taylor - Secret O' Life (With lyrics)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dhekXBbOo_Q&feature=related
Friday, September 9, 2011
9-9-11 Removing the Shell
9-9-11 Removing the Shell
Monday evening I was feeling a little blue, like I often do at the end of holiday weekends. I always feel like everyone else is out having all these fun times with friends and family and I am not. Holidays just make me feel that way, such is the plight of the single person.... I remember my Aunt Sandy always getting all depressed at the holidays and never understood till I was a single parent, you just so much want someone to put the tree up with you and the kids or cook a big meal for or whatever holiday tradition, its just so much better shared. But anyway I called Mary and we talked for a bit and she was feeling the same way. Why is it like this I asked her? We are good spiritual people who do much for others why are we alone? She had no answers for me. I suppose I do get a lot more work done to help others since I am single but I really really really wish that someone would come along and want to take care of me a little bit. I also would love to find a partner who wanted to work with me to help others....
Tuesday I woke up and checked my mail before work and my CL ads. I found an ad that someone posted after having flagged my ad looking for a motor cycle ride. The person said that the only thing I needed a ride on was a treadmill.I didn't let it bother me I just re-posted my ad and wrote to the person and said:
I am praying for god to bless you and find a way to release that anger deep inside that you are using to lash out on a total stranger I hope your day gets better
I meant it too I wasn't being sarcastic, they didn't reply to me but they deleted the ad. Next up I got an e-mail from the friend I had seen on Saturday. I had mentioned to him that a mutual friend of ours had been saying to me that she was sad because he hadn't had time for her much lately. I knew how much they cared for each other so I gently said to him that he should try and find some time for her as she missed him. Well I got an e-mail copy of him writing to her saying what a horrible trouble maker I was, lower in the mail thread he had written to her saying that I told her she was upset with him (not at all what I had said). She just replied that she never said that and hadn't seem me in 4 weeks. I was shocked at the level of anger he spewed out in his mail and description of me when he had been so kind and loving to me Saturday. I just replied with a brief explanation of what I said exactly and apologized for my role in causing a rift and I had tried to get them together not apart. She said to let it drop he said OK but I never got an apology. This is the 3rd huge outburst from him over the course of our friendship I am going to have to steer clear of this hothead sad to say, he has so many good qualities but he lashes out so often for no reason, I used to be this way when I was still in extreme pain, and I do know that he is more than he cares to admit so. I can speak softly to him and not escalate but still don't need to get too close to that anymore....not till he peels off a few layers of pain body.
Wednesday was a work from home day and I got plenty of work done and was home to prepare for the meditation workshop that night with wendy r wolf . This nights topic was our relationship with our body and it's relationship to our spirit. Boy do I have issues with that! For one of the exercises we were to listen to our aches and see what they had to say as we meditated, well my lower back and hip pain spent some time bitching to me about my weight and my sitting in a desk chair for much of my day. Ya no brainer there. Then another exercise we were supposed to listen to our body to spirit and then our spirit to body messages, well again I was suppose to meditate first then write but soon as she said it the answers were screaming in my head, I had to write them down to shut up my head!. Body to Spirit: I am tired of being fat! Spirit to Body: I want to ride bikes and climb mountains. The body was very cranky but the spirit spoke softly back to it, almost as if to acknowledge wistfully what the spirit wanted to do with its body but the body wasn't allowing it. When I shared this with the group my body also decided to cry, it's really good at doing that, I mean if there was a job for crying I'd really succeed because it comes so easily to me.. ugh But anyway... Wendy said well you know there's more healing to do in you that's why you still carry the weight to protect you, yeah yeah been told this a hundred times, I am not a fat person I have the weight on for protection, its emotional fat, its hurt fat, its lack of love fat. I am so very frustrated with this because as I told them all, I have done SO MUCH work on me, so many classes so many healers and healings already and still not fixed! and I am so old! 50 years and I am still not done! But you know, Wendy said softly, it's OK that I am where I am right here right now in this body, at this stage of life, at this level of healing for a reason and I belong here right NOW, that I am on schedule, I am not too late. I am not too late, I am not too late...this helped me a great deal.
Then the one last thing that I had to ask was about Randy, how could I have gotten this all wrong with him? She had mentioned how we have spirits to help us but we must be mindful that they come from God spirits. I told her how I thought I was guided, that I did get signs, and I did get messages from someone somewhere, and so did he many times as well, that the guides were putting us together! They had given us the same dreams at the same time I told her. Yes yes she said very gently to me, I know, and you were listening ...but he chose not to rise up and move forward to the mission with you. It's so sad I said and wept again, she said I know but you are OK anyway she said just keep moving forward, you have come so far this year she told me and I thanked her. This healing work is long but i can see the usefulness of it.
I woke up with a start Thursday morning! OMG I had this long drawn out nightmare that just would not end! In it I was trying to hide or dispose of a dead body and no matter how much I chopped it up, wrapped it up, dumped it in the sea or buried it in the pine barrens someone found it and brought it back to me! (can u tell I have watched far too many episodes of The Sopranos?) lol I was unceremoniously dumped back in my body 20 min before my alarm went off and the puzzle was not solved...someone had just dragged the dismembered body out of a freezer! OMG! Wendy had warned me that energy work would create all kinds of weird reactions and such. I guess it really is time to make peace with my body, I did some of this work last summer by going to Gunnison Beach, (read here the Love Your Body blog) So I was able to be naked in front of my boyfriend and a bunch of nudists but I still was so very angry with it because I can't hike and bike with the groups. I have to stop complaining at it for what it can't do and praise it for what it can do.... at least I can walk, at least I have legs that go all the way to the ground and to my bike pedals!
After work that night while driving home I passed Randy at the customayry time: 4:44 heading south as he was heading north. It still amazes me that even though I get out at slightly different times and experience various traffic condtions and clogs on my 27 mile ride home he and I still pass each other at the exact same (if not the exact spot) time on 35. This day I was finally free of the urge to give him the finger and was down to just a whistful sigh. I was done being mad, good thing too because I got word the next day that there would be construction on the drawbridge starting in a couple of weeks that would last for a year! Not only would we be passing each other 3 days a week at 4:44 we would be very possibly side by side on our drawbridge! Yes better to smile sweetly and sincerely wish him well.....
Meditaion that night was about co-creating with the universe, we were to start by meditating and getting in touch with the guide Wendy chose, whose name escapes me but she said to ask her a question so I did I asked will I have enough money (I have been worrying about it again) my reply from her was quick and to the point, she said of course you will don't waste time asking you are so silly what else do you want to ask? I was so taken about my the reply I couldnt think of another question. We did more work and then we had to write down what we wanted, once we did that we associated emotions to the things that we wanted, my list:
- I want an equal partner ~ love, security, affinity, comfort
- I want a lot more money ~ freedom, security, bravery
- I want physical fitness ~ freedom, vitality
- I want more family experiences ~affinity, love,
- I want more tolerance and paitence with people ~ affinity, love
What about you? What do you want to bring into your life and what bad layers do you think you are ready to peel off that shell today????
With Love and in the Light, Cassie
Friday, September 2, 2011
9-2-11 Cleansing Hurts- Releasing Anger
9-2-11 Cleansing Hurts - Releasing Anger
Monday after the storm and while cleaning up and getting ready for the workshops I just felt such joy, the air was warm but the first hints of fall where there for sure. I am ready for summer to be over I just hope we have a nice long warm sunny fall! I made up my mind to start working on writing the workshops that I want to give this winter, Attract Your Soul-mate and Attract Abundance for starters, although I am not sure I am qualified to teach the attract your Soul-Mate since I am miserably failing at that subject. My friend Anthony posted a link on FaceBook: Spirit Science: Lesson 1 - Thoughts almost as if he knew I could use a little refresher course! He definitely is a part of my soul family. It is very important to guard your thoughts as they do create your reality. I hope I can stop thinking about Randy so much...I do not want him in my life he hurts me makes me so sad he is not an honorable man......
Tuesday back at the office not a whole lot going on. I heard reports of flooding all over and my co-workers having all kinds of difficulties getting to the office but my commute wasn't much different than usual. We also had like 3 buildings closed due to power outages but mine miraculously was not effected! I also heard the tales and saw the pictures of the flooding that some had suffered and thanked God again for sparing my area and my spirit for guiding me to spread my SpiritStones around. I did find a photo on another blog of my town, and some people walking up who had been surfing at Cliffwood Beach I swear that looks like the wet suit I got Randy for his BD last fall, that has to be him and his "kids"... It took everything I had to not send him that picture..... I didn't like the idea of him coming over to MY side of whale creek, made me kinda mad, but then again his mother does just live up the block..... At least his "kids" weren't wearing wet suits and carrying surf boards, only he is that goofy to go surfing in a hurricane and flood.
Wednesday was a work from home day and also getting ready for the meditation workshop. I kept getting messages about being alive, starting my projects, today is the day the time is now. And as if to confirm this Anthony posted this Spirit Science 6 - Flower of Life
I was happy also that my birthday gift to myself finally arrived, even though I had to pay extra money since I had forgotten to change my address on e-bay. The forwarding fee was almost as much as the shipping fee! But check them out aren't they nice? This is what I want to manifest now in my life, a handsome Harley guy to ride with this fall. I noticed how the doll has a mustache and goatee just like the image in my brain of my soul-mate. I recalled how I used to try to get Randy to grow one but he never was able to grow it very thick, or keep it for long.....oh well guess puberty really hasn't fully set in on him yet hahahaha. Speaking of Randy when I went out to throw the box they came in in the trash he had just driven past my house....made me kinda mad though, I felt like throwing an empty can from the recycle bin at his truck, I stopped myself because he probably would have thought I threw it to get his attention. There he was driving by, again, yet he had ignored me and refused to come over the whole week that I needed his help to take Jeremy to get stuff for my car. I want a man who shows up when I need him, not only when its convenient for him. I also want a man who likes my son, he needs a friend too and will always be with me.
In the evening Wendy came to give the mediation workshop. She really liked my new home and said it has such wonderful energy, just a tad bit of negative in the basement. It's probably from Jeremy I told her... She was surprised I had no flood waters or power outages since she has been dealing with all the flooding at her sisters house and when I told her about me putting SpiritStones all around she said oh you did say you were called to move down there to heal the waters. I showed her my vision board for my soul-mate, she said I should go ahead and teach the workshop even though I hadn't attracted my soul mate yet, when you teach you learn she said, and when you give you receive I recalled.... We did a good bit of Chakra clearing meditations and she also worked on me individually. She said that I have a lot of pain and fear inside me relating to love and allowing love in. I recalled how my mother told me that no one would ever love me and I shared that with her, she said she saw lots of pain and sadness leaving me. She said she saw stuff with Victor come up and that I need to let go there too and create separation. I guess I have been missing him and feeling sad that our stone business and friendship dissolved. I told her I was hurting very much over Randy too, we left that for another day..this is the first of 4 workshops she is doing at my house. I think though my original plan of shoving him out of my mind and not thinking of or talking about him is a bad one. Besides the fact that it just doesn't work as you can see, I am going to have to go through this to get to the other side, and on the other side of it is the only place that I am going to find healing and joy and that's the only way I can attract my soul-mate is to be in healing and joy otherwise I am just going to attract another mistake, or I am going to shove every good guy away with my negativity about Randy.
Thursday at work I was discussing a drug shortage we were having and that one contract manufacturer wasn't going to make it for us anymore and that we are looking for a new one. I could tell the product manager was stressing some trying to resolve the issue so I told him that I would send Reiki to the situation so it resolves as from the complaints I read the people really miss this drug. I told him don't mind me I am a nutty spiritual type and I hope he had a relaxing holiday weekend. It really is true that no matter what career field you are in you can do good work in it to help others and humanity. Other than that it was a not too crazy day. I kept looking at the picture from the boys at Cliffwood Beach and decied it had to be them, so since I was working on releasing anger I decided to send it to him and said look at the idiots. I left work and headed home to get ready for Wendy and the workshop. On 35 I passed Randy and he saw me (he doesn't see me everyday) and I flipped him the finger! It felt good,darn good. When I got home he had texted me saying I Cee U...yeah did you see me give you the finger I replied? That's not nice he sent back. Well you are not nice to me, now stop contacting me or I will go over and tell "the wife" everything, and then I spewed out a couple more texts to which he had no reply. He is no stranger to angry women, he's left a trail of them in his life so I know this didn't phase him much. Still it felt good to get the anger out, I have had a lot of abuse in my life but I wasn't allowed to express my anger. Wow maybe this is the reason for him in my life? To help me heal about the abandonment, the not showing up when I need the not caring the not nurturing that I never got from my mother and my husband....
Meditation that night was all about anger and I told them I had let out a great deal of it today. Good good good Wendy said and the others also shared some too. She said this was good and healthy to let it out but she said now I am going to teach you to turn your anger INSIDE to use its energy for postitve things. I am not sure I get this yet but I will have more lessons, all I know was the letting out part I had that down! LOL She also did a healing on me again and said she saw that I am afraid to open up my power, that I have so much more of it but I supress it. She said she saw a vision of me burning at the stake in another life, that explains that she said! You have been wiccan in many lives she said and I told her I felt that way but I fear it very much due to my strict christian upbringing in this life. Anyway the last thing we did was ask God to speak to us, I was so tired and thought nothing would come but it did. three things: I love you, I will take care of you, I don't want you to be alone either. I wept. Then I wrote my questions to God: What's wrong with me that I don't have a mate, What's my pourpose here? What should I Focus on. As you know I have so many things going on but I feel I would be better if I narrowed it down some. I am going to trust these answers will come to me as I work on my healing..... I trust in my God that these things which bring me sadness and pain, the lessons that I learn from them utimately will be the scource of my joy. I know that I need to get past my not feeling loved and being abandoned thing so that when the right man does come around for me I will be ready for him....
Today I want you to think about what hurts you, what makes you angry, write it down on a list, tuck it away and save it......a year from now lets bring them back out and see if we learned anything......remind me....
With Love and In the Light, Cassie
What I am angry about today 9-2-11
* I am angry that Randy doesnt love me enough to be there for me and my son when I need him and for lying to me and the woman he lives with and being a user and a cheater and a taker
* I am angry at my mother and my husband for not loving me and not nurturing me
* I am angry at my birth father for abandoning me and never being a presence in my life
* I am hurt at my oldest son for condeming my faith and very angry at my father for teaching him to think this way about me
* I am angry at God for keeping me to be a helper to all and never bringing me a good mate to nurture me
* I am angry at myself for being overweight and for wasting so much of my life wishing one man after another would shape up and be a good mate instead of moving on right away
whew enough for now! those are the biggies
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