9-16-11 The Path to Love

If you have lost heart in the Path of Love Flee to me
without delay, I am a fortress; invincible.
Rumi ♥

9-16-11  The Path to Love

Tuesday work at the office day and back to back meetings, neither of which I really needed to be at. I swear I really hate how the corporate world sometimes works... I do like my job and my boss though and he gave me much praise indeed the day before when they crunched some numbers and compared how many complaints I handle compared to other groups. Still, I wish they'd show how much they like me with a promotion! Then again I made the choice to NOT finish my degree and pursue other ways to make money.... I had made plans to go bike riding on Saturday with a friend so decided to get that posted as an event. I also heard from some company that does a personality quiz and such to offer advice on dating and finding someone compatible. He called me on the drive home and we talked and plan to work together soon, I just need to find a venue to have the event in. Also I had replied the day before a thanks to Randy's birthday e-mail so today he replied with tell Jeremy Happy Birthday too. I replied: :i probably better not-he feels bad enough that you don't like him this will just make him upset all over again to mention your name. I figured that ought to be the end of that but I was wrong.....while I was getting ready to take Jeremy out for our birthday dinner I heard him on the phone and he came in and told me guess who that was, I didn't guess but I should have...Randy. Apparently since I wasn't going to wish him a happy birthday he did it himself. He texted him Happy Birthday and Jeremy just said thanks not recognizing the number, Randy sent back it's tomorrow right? So Jeremy called the number and discovered it was Randy who then asked him if he wanted to go out and get a beer to celebrate his 21st BD, he said yeah sure non committal and told me about it at dinner. I told him do what he wants, he's a grown up just don't get your hopes up too much you know how Randy is, yeah I know he said. The next day I had an e-mail from Randy asking my permission to take him out for a beer on Wed (his BD) part of me was overly cautious, part of me was glad someone wanted to take him out as I knew he was sad none of his friends could get a ride down. I simply replied I don't care, and tried hard to convince myself that I didn't....

Wednesday was a work at home day and I had the Yoga coming up in the evening, I kept praying for more bodies and worried I should cancel it and Nancy said no lets do it no matter how many. That really blessed me that she feels that way. These people who put the pressure on me for the numbers stress me so much, I know I need to find a way to not let that bother me.  I got a phone call from my buddy and I almost didn't answer it, not only had he forgoten my birthday, hadn't taken me for a ride on his boat all summer, but HE dissed the numbers at one of my events on a facebook comment of the pictures I posted. I was so upset I wasn't going to talk to him for a long time but I ended up picking up and told him how I felt and he apologized for everything. He told me that I need to stop getting hurt and upset with people so much when they say things that upset me, you do push people away when you do that you know. I know I told him, I really don't care about the numbers, I know the big events its just the same old crowd desperately seeking love (count me in as one of those types sometimes) and we never get any closer to it, or we think we may have it and next thing you know the trap door opens and whoosh there you are back at the beginning again! Sometimes it sure feels like a game of chutes and ladders, I only wish I knew where to find more of those advance cards! LOL

So my work day ended and I was getting ready for Yoga and Jeremy took a shower and was getting ready to go out later, I was anxious for him, worried that Randy would back out on him, and reminded him of his UN-reliablity. I knew how hurt he would be if he didn't show up , that boy is as sensitive and as starved for love as I am. He said I am not getting my hopes up, and then rode his bike over to the liquor store to buy a few beers, just because he was 21 now and could he said. I headed down to the beach to meet Nancy for Yoga.....no one else was there or came. I felt bad for her that she came and wouldn't make any money but she said she was glad to come she needed to relax, so we talked and we did yoga together and she gave me one on one attention to modify the poses to fit my overweight body and stiff joints. She asked me what I want to do with my life and I told her I want to find an equal partner to be my husband and I want to help everyone I can and make money doing it. She said she too wants to make money helping others. She said to consider myself her partner in this yoga thing, she couldn't do it without me and she said I have such a wonderful aura about me. She said I need to love myself more and we discussed my weight issues, she is a Reiki master too and she said she will help me to heal all the sadness deep in my heart. We talked and discovered the main issue  I have is my love of cookies and that I associate cookies with love as that's how my grandmother nurtured me when I almost was starved to death as a baby and then my neglectful hurtful mother who told me no one would ever love me all the time. It was a good time together and I know I peeled a few more layers off the pain around my heart....I still have a ways to go on this path, despite how far I have come so far with the work I have done but at least I got pointed in the right direction again.

When I got back to the house Jeremy had downed three beers, tall boys at that, but he informed me that Randy had called and said he was showing up to take him out. Ok good I hope so, but I know he's told me at 8:30 he was coming and gotten a call from his pretend family at 9:05 and not shown up....then again she probably knows I dumped him so he's not on her radar and have him on a tight leash so much these days.. I went and did my computer stuff and was getting up to get ready for bed about 9:20 and saw Randy pull in the driveway, Jeremy was in the restroom and I told him he was there, I hollered out that he would be out in a bit. Off they went and I settled in with my Netflix movies. At one point I got a bit worried about them driving back home after drinking and wondered if I should text one of them with a cautionary message but I talked myself out of it. Still I was glad when at 11:30 I heard him come in the door. Then I heard BOTH of them in the kitchen, and I could tell by their talk and the bumping into things that they were drunk. I was not pleased, then again it was his 21st..... I asked my guy friend about it the next morning and he said to just tell Jeremy no heavy drinking or he cant live with me, that was the rule up till now so don't change it. He said no use talking to Randy as he's not the mature one of the two, you got that right I said. Jeremy loves him though, maybe he can help him......that's what he needs....... Randy just better not be doing this to get me back, I really need a man who I can count on and who will take care of me and marry me, he has no desire to be that kind of man to anyone....

Thursday morning I woke to an e-mail in my box from my ex event partner, the subject line was  hateful and a lie so I didn't even bother to open it and read it. I just don't need to engage in that drama anymore, not feeling the need to defend myself now there's an example of loving myself! My neigbor Mary posted the below poem on facebook and sent it to me too via e-mail, it fits so much into what I need and the theme this week that I just had to add it in. This is still the crux of my issues, I don't FEEL loved. Nancy had said the night before to think about me falling in love with someone and what do I do for them, I told her the main thing was I take care of them, am I taking care of me? I need to ponder that....I think I take care of me. When I got home from work Jeremy's carpet and some of his clothes were spread out in the back yard and I went in asked if the basement had flooded and he said no, what then? There was a mess he said, what kind of mess? I threw up ok? Sheeesee. He admitted to me that he and Randy sat there and drank beers and did shots till he was so drunk he doesn't remember the rest...lovely I said....well it was on his tab what did you think I was going to do? I was shocked that Randy paid! He never got me as much as a dollar store card! Well since it WAS your 21st birthday I will let it slide but don't make a habit of it I reminded him.

That evening I went to local business networking event that my friend who's a hypnotist invited me to, I met a few locals and got a free chair massage, reiki treatment and palm reading. I really liked my palm reading she said that I would be making more money soon, both from my job and getting some money from some government agency and also earning money in other ways but wasnt clear on how. She said that I will finally be able to treat myself well and get myself a good home, travel, treat myself from all the things I have been depriving myself of. She said I have been due for all this but I have some negativity blocking me. She also said I will not have many health problems and live to be very old and I will have another marriage and it would be a good one that would last me the rest of my life. She said look for the letter J in his first or last name. She said I haven't met him yet but when the two of us meet we will have an instant connection and know we belong together. But just like Nancy she said she can see the sadness around my heart, I suppose it's true. She was selling stones that were energy charged for $10 so I splurged and got one, I saw it wasn't any different than my stones and thought sheesee I could be getting more for mine! That night in bed watching TV I didn't feel sad seeing the women with loving husbands, instead I thought I am going to have one of those someday soon!

Friday a work from home day, I couldnt get online and was waiting for IT so I got some stuff done around here. One of those was to contact a friend whom I had met someone the night before who may be able to help him get a job. He was down at the camping event that I went to last year in Cape May and I was sad to not be there....maybe next year I can go again I told him. I then told him about the possible job and he got all negative on me and finally said that he was happier being a bum and not working. Well if that's your choice I told him..... It's sad that he doesn't believe in himself enough to get and keep a job and support himself. It kinda annoys me that he doesn't work, I but my behing working and he can go to the camping event and I can't afford to...ugh. I should have spent the money and went and trusted God to replenish, maybe that's one of the ways I haven't been loving myself?

Have you grown weary and sad on your path to love? Perhaps you aren't treating yourself well enough? Love attracts love, give to yourself and you will get more....... Keep the faith! Everyday we are getting better and better.....

With Love and in the Light, Cassie

May You Always Feel Loved

May you find serenity and tranquility in a world you may not always understand. May the pain you have known, and the conflict you have experienced give you the strength to walk through life facing each new situation with optimism and courage. Always know that there are those whose love and understanding will always be there even when you feel most alone.

May you discover enough goodness in others to believe in a world of peace. May a kind word, a reassuring touch, a warm smile, be yours every day of your life, and may you give these gifts as well as receive them. Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending. Teach love to those who know hate, and let that love embrace you as you go into the world.

May the teaching of those you admire become part of you, so that you may call upon them. Remember, those whose lives you have touched and who have touched yours are always a part of you, even if the encounters were less than you would have wished.

May you not become too concerned with material matters, but instead place immeasurable value on the goodness in your heart. Find time in each day to see the beauty and love in the world around you. Realize that each person has limitless abilities, but each of us is different in our own way. What you may feel you lack in one regard may be more than compensated for in another. What you feel you lack in the present may become one of your strengths in the future.

May you see your future as one filled with promise and possibility. Learn to view everything as a worthwhile experience. May you find enough inner strength to determine your own worth by yourself, and not be dependent on another's judgments of your accomplishments.

And...... May you always feel loved ♥