9-9-11 Removing the Shell
Monday evening I was feeling a little blue, like I often do at the end of holiday weekends. I always feel like everyone else is out having all these fun times with friends and family and I am not. Holidays just make me feel that way, such is the plight of the single person.... I remember my Aunt Sandy always getting all depressed at the holidays and never understood till I was a single parent, you just so much want someone to put the tree up with you and the kids or cook a big meal for or whatever holiday tradition, its just so much better shared. But anyway I called Mary and we talked for a bit and she was feeling the same way. Why is it like this I asked her? We are good spiritual people who do much for others why are we alone? She had no answers for me. I suppose I do get a lot more work done to help others since I am single but I really really really wish that someone would come along and want to take care of me a little bit. I also would love to find a partner who wanted to work with me to help others....
Tuesday I woke up and checked my mail before work and my CL ads. I found an ad that someone posted after having flagged my ad looking for a motor cycle ride. The person said that the only thing I needed a ride on was a treadmill.I didn't let it bother me I just re-posted my ad and wrote to the person and said:
I am praying for god to bless you and find a way to release that anger deep inside that you are using to lash out on a total stranger I hope your day gets better
I meant it too I wasn't being sarcastic, they didn't reply to me but they deleted the ad. Next up I got an e-mail from the friend I had seen on Saturday. I had mentioned to him that a mutual friend of ours had been saying to me that she was sad because he hadn't had time for her much lately. I knew how much they cared for each other so I gently said to him that he should try and find some time for her as she missed him. Well I got an e-mail copy of him writing to her saying what a horrible trouble maker I was, lower in the mail thread he had written to her saying that I told her she was upset with him (not at all what I had said). She just replied that she never said that and hadn't seem me in 4 weeks. I was shocked at the level of anger he spewed out in his mail and description of me when he had been so kind and loving to me Saturday. I just replied with a brief explanation of what I said exactly and apologized for my role in causing a rift and I had tried to get them together not apart. She said to let it drop he said OK but I never got an apology. This is the 3rd huge outburst from him over the course of our friendship I am going to have to steer clear of this hothead sad to say, he has so many good qualities but he lashes out so often for no reason, I used to be this way when I was still in extreme pain, and I do know that he is more than he cares to admit so. I can speak softly to him and not escalate but still don't need to get too close to that anymore....not till he peels off a few layers of pain body.
Wednesday was a work from home day and I got plenty of work done and was home to prepare for the meditation workshop that night with wendy r wolf . This nights topic was our relationship with our body and it's relationship to our spirit. Boy do I have issues with that! For one of the exercises we were to listen to our aches and see what they had to say as we meditated, well my lower back and hip pain spent some time bitching to me about my weight and my sitting in a desk chair for much of my day. Ya no brainer there. Then another exercise we were supposed to listen to our body to spirit and then our spirit to body messages, well again I was suppose to meditate first then write but soon as she said it the answers were screaming in my head, I had to write them down to shut up my head!. Body to Spirit: I am tired of being fat! Spirit to Body: I want to ride bikes and climb mountains. The body was very cranky but the spirit spoke softly back to it, almost as if to acknowledge wistfully what the spirit wanted to do with its body but the body wasn't allowing it. When I shared this with the group my body also decided to cry, it's really good at doing that, I mean if there was a job for crying I'd really succeed because it comes so easily to me.. ugh But anyway... Wendy said well you know there's more healing to do in you that's why you still carry the weight to protect you, yeah yeah been told this a hundred times, I am not a fat person I have the weight on for protection, its emotional fat, its hurt fat, its lack of love fat. I am so very frustrated with this because as I told them all, I have done SO MUCH work on me, so many classes so many healers and healings already and still not fixed! and I am so old! 50 years and I am still not done! But you know, Wendy said softly, it's OK that I am where I am right here right now in this body, at this stage of life, at this level of healing for a reason and I belong here right NOW, that I am on schedule, I am not too late. I am not too late, I am not too late...this helped me a great deal.
Then the one last thing that I had to ask was about Randy, how could I have gotten this all wrong with him? She had mentioned how we have spirits to help us but we must be mindful that they come from God spirits. I told her how I thought I was guided, that I did get signs, and I did get messages from someone somewhere, and so did he many times as well, that the guides were putting us together! They had given us the same dreams at the same time I told her. Yes yes she said very gently to me, I know, and you were listening ...but he chose not to rise up and move forward to the mission with you. It's so sad I said and wept again, she said I know but you are OK anyway she said just keep moving forward, you have come so far this year she told me and I thanked her. This healing work is long but i can see the usefulness of it.
I woke up with a start Thursday morning! OMG I had this long drawn out nightmare that just would not end! In it I was trying to hide or dispose of a dead body and no matter how much I chopped it up, wrapped it up, dumped it in the sea or buried it in the pine barrens someone found it and brought it back to me! (can u tell I have watched far too many episodes of The Sopranos?) lol I was unceremoniously dumped back in my body 20 min before my alarm went off and the puzzle was not solved...someone had just dragged the dismembered body out of a freezer! OMG! Wendy had warned me that energy work would create all kinds of weird reactions and such. I guess it really is time to make peace with my body, I did some of this work last summer by going to Gunnison Beach, (read here the Love Your Body blog) So I was able to be naked in front of my boyfriend and a bunch of nudists but I still was so very angry with it because I can't hike and bike with the groups. I have to stop complaining at it for what it can't do and praise it for what it can do.... at least I can walk, at least I have legs that go all the way to the ground and to my bike pedals!
After work that night while driving home I passed Randy at the customayry time: 4:44 heading south as he was heading north. It still amazes me that even though I get out at slightly different times and experience various traffic condtions and clogs on my 27 mile ride home he and I still pass each other at the exact same (if not the exact spot) time on 35. This day I was finally free of the urge to give him the finger and was down to just a whistful sigh. I was done being mad, good thing too because I got word the next day that there would be construction on the drawbridge starting in a couple of weeks that would last for a year! Not only would we be passing each other 3 days a week at 4:44 we would be very possibly side by side on our drawbridge! Yes better to smile sweetly and sincerely wish him well.....
Meditaion that night was about co-creating with the universe, we were to start by meditating and getting in touch with the guide Wendy chose, whose name escapes me but she said to ask her a question so I did I asked will I have enough money (I have been worrying about it again) my reply from her was quick and to the point, she said of course you will don't waste time asking you are so silly what else do you want to ask? I was so taken about my the reply I couldnt think of another question. We did more work and then we had to write down what we wanted, once we did that we associated emotions to the things that we wanted, my list:
- I want an equal partner ~ love, security, affinity, comfort
- I want a lot more money ~ freedom, security, bravery
- I want physical fitness ~ freedom, vitality
- I want more family experiences ~affinity, love,
- I want more tolerance and paitence with people ~ affinity, love
What about you? What do you want to bring into your life and what bad layers do you think you are ready to peel off that shell today????
With Love and in the Light, Cassie
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