6-17-11 Who Shows Up

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.
Rumi

6-17-11 Who Shows Up

This week has been all about lessons on who is showing up in my life right now and who isn't....and finding contentment in that..

Tuesday night was my first Dining for Donations event, it was to aid patient advocate foundation, a very worthy cause. I was dissapointed at the turn out though, only about 9 people came and I was expecting 40. Many bailed at the last minute for reasons unknown, I really don't know why it's so hard to get people to come out anymore, the economy and the gas prices I suppose have a lot to do with it.  I had told my roomate Suresh about it and my social network site and he says "you mean you are THAT Cassie? wow that's great!" He said you are so good at bringing people together. Honestly though I feel I am losing my touch, as my buddy so delicately told me when he came last night, he said a few years ago you just had this glow about you, I used to read about what you were doing and plan that as soon as I didn't have a girlfriend again I would come out to your events. LOL I was glad he came though and got to meet Mary, he always used to say he didn't want to hear any of the crap and BS my psycic advisor told me that I needed to live in reality! hahaha He told her he said that to me all the time but he could see how nice she is, she said she wasn't the least bit offened that she too told me all the time that I have to make my own descions and choices and that I do. After everyone left Mary and I talked for a bit, we always talk about Randy when I have things on my mind concerning him, we both agreed that it was better that he stay with them because he feels like he is better than them, with me he alwasy felt inferior and fearful of losing me. I recalled his messes and his mentality and his failure to ever pay for dinner or buy me little gifts and agreed. But then she asked me, why Cassie do you suppose that you still love him so much? still think about him so much? and he you, because he does he really does love you. I see that you are moving on and dating others and trying to build your life but I know its him that you love. I haven't a clue I said, not a clue.......it just is but I wish it wasnt but perhaps I still have something to learn here.... I left there about 8:30 and started driving home in the rain, as I got near the rt 9 exit I wondered if I would see him as he was heading home from work, I decided that I would rather not see him as it would be sad to pass and wave knowing we were heading to different homes and different lives just a few blocks away from one another... I put him out of my mind and I put my mind to thinking of a logo and slogan for the Yoga classes for heavy people that I discussed setting up with the woman Mary introduced me to. I had gotten all excited when we were making plans to do yoga on the beach and I said Mary you told me that I would be setting up yoga classes on the beach! I did she said? Yes you did! I put my mind on that and came up with a pretty good design and made a logo when I got home:

Wednesday was a work from home day and I hit the computer by 6am and got lots done. My boss sent me a notice for our one on one for the following day and I felt excited and nervous at the same time. Would I finally get a promotion? Or would he start making plans to get rid of me? The new girl who I am going to be training sent me a message saying she would also come from PA and meet me in person too and I was happy about that. Then the announcement of her accepting the position with our group came out and not only does she have a degree she has a masters too! And she is manager level! Who was I kidding thinking I was training her to help me? I probably was training her to be my boss, as has happend to me countless times before. I am good, and they always know that, and that I am smart..but I never got that piece of paper, and it really does matter don't let anyone say differently....I sat there for a few seconds feeling dijected but my little voice whispered to me: but you never wanted to be corporate, remember? Ya ya I know that is true, but I wanted to make more money I thought back to the voice in my head, I wanted enough so I can travel someday.... When I got done with my work I wasn't tired and didn't feel the need for a nap (I had prayed to have more energy) so I went out and worked in my yard, I still have flowers to get planted and I got some sage and lavender for my clay strawberry pot. I gave up growing strawberries the birds eat them all, I do have them all over my new back yard, but just tiny ones, not big enough for me to eat but it keeps my back yard full of birds! After yard work I cooked spagetti like my mom used to, Kraft out of a box but I like it that way! Once it got dark I went out to my back yard and sparked up the fire pit to do my own mini full moon ceremony and sent my intentions to the universe and let of what doesn't serve me....

Thursday as I headed out of my room to go to work I glanced at my Attract my soulmate collage I had made last fall, I generally read the pink hearts on it that have my intentions of what I desire in my perfect mate and I notice that I have "shows up when I need him" listed twice, seemed fitting though as that is the biggie for me, the one thing that has been so very lacking in my whole life, and oddly enough Randy's weakest point. He shows up on "randy time", whenever he's done playing and nobody is calling him to hang and he doesnt want a nap and basically just when he has nothing else left to do he shows up to help, for 5 minutes.... Last summer he had me conivnced he was not that person anymore, that his family had taught him responsibility, but if its true I sure hadn't seen it, its now three days since he said he'd come fix my basement light and I haven't heard a peep out of him. My message from Neal Donald Walsh of the day made me think:
I believe God wants you to know...

...that this is probably a good time for you to re-set

your priorities. Decide anew what's important to you.

If it's been a while since you've looked at this, maybe

you should stop what you're doing and look at it today.

What is really important right now? WHO is really

important right now?

And I realized that I was giving far too much of my energy to him, to finding a man at all really. I said to God but please I do want a husband... my voice said: I am working on that can't you just trust me on this? Ok lord I can trust you on this .....

The meeting with my boss went well, no promotion though, however he gave me and Award for my work on the credo team, thats a small monetary bonus, enough for two lobster dinners or one credit card payment. LOL He then said about that e-mail you sent to Bernard (the big boss) I blushed some and said I was not critsizing this group but I was so very concerned about that for our company as a whole I felt it needed to be mentioned and he agreed that it was timely and a good idea and he sat there and showed me that he had done it and discussed his plans and asked me if I wanted to help and I said yes! We also talked about how I can move to the next level, why I don't want to get a degree and general plans and I was quite satisified, even if I didn't get a promotion I so much need and I feel deserve... I must say though at lunch I got the chineese selection in the cafe and my fortune cookie said: You will be doing lots of traveling. I took it as a sign, a job is not the only way to earn money and I would much prefer to earn money by helping others with my Reiki, my workshops, perhaps a published book someday...  I spent the afternoon training the new girl and was happy to get out of there to head home, tommorow was friday and a work from home day! Going to my car I wondered if I would pass Randy on 35 and hoped that I would not, I got my wish but swore to not wish that again as traffic was bad even early and it took me a hour and a half to get home, I didn't hit 35 till well after his time to start work. I got home did a few things then went back out for a haircut and to go to Walmart for a few things. Driving back from Walmart traffic was so bad that I turned at Randy's exit so as to get off 35 sooner and also get a glimpse of the bay before going home, I thought of him as I drove past the turn to his street and remined myself again that if I could just be happy and like him for the things I do like and not be annoyed with him for the things he is not or doesn't do life would be easier   I suddenly realised that the real thing here was to not expect ANYthing from ANYone other than God. I wanted a man to help me, I wanted that to be Randy but instead he sent me others, I wanted him to buy me dinner but he did not but other friends do, I wanted a promotion at my job so that I can afford to travel but I have that promise that it will happen, I guess that all we need to do is set our intentions and see how it shows up, see who shows up and be happy about that. I want my son to come here and stay with me to help fix things but he is not doing that yet, I did get a call from Shawn who is moving in sunday, he will help me I know that... I am not alone I have soon three roomates, tons of friends, projects to work on. I still want a husband but I am not going to set my sights on anyone, I am going to let God pick for me, by sitting here and waiting to see who shows up......... When I got home I saw that about the time I had that thought Randy had texted Hi...instead of being annoyed with him I just texted back Hi...... that's as much as he's going to be showing up in my life right now and that's OK....

What about you? Who or what is showing up in your life right now? Are you showing the proper gratitude and accepting the gift that each person in in your life? Even if you can't see it now, trust me each boat that docks at your shore brings to you great treasures...........

With Love and in the Light,  Cassie