4-11-11 Holding on in Faith
These last few days have been all about holding on with faith.....because right now that's about all I got left...I am sure I am not the only one.....
Friday morning I was awoken at 4:30am by my phone ringing, it was my buddy Mike. I had been speaking to him before bed the night before and laid all my house/money woes on him. He's very successful financialy so he was a good person to talk to, but he didn't come up with any ideas other than that I should take the kids over to my ex-business partner and rough him up and make him give me back all my SpiritStones. I told him no I won't do that, but I do plan to buy more once I get moved and settled and start this business again, but with a new plan of my own. So anyway he was still worried about my house situation for me so he called at that ungodly hour to go over his thoughts with me, and this had been the first night in weeks I had not woken up worrying--guess he had done it for me. LOL I didn't pick up but he called back at 7 as I was walking out the door and I told him why each and every idea he had wasn't going to work but thanks for caring....I told him that I just have to trust in God now.
Later in the day friday I had a dinner and movie event scheduled so I went there after work. Mary came early and we talked a good bit about faith and my house selling and such. She told me to call on the powerful angels to help me so I said that I would do that. We feel that a big reason that my hosue is not selling is underlying fear, and I confess that I do have that, the deep down under the surface subconcious kind that comes up when I am sleeping and wakes me up. I fear that I don't have enough money I fear that there is going to be something wrong with the house that I can't afford to fix, I fear I won't be happy down there in a new place. I can have tons and tons of faith in the daylight-- but at night it comes to me. Wendy has gently tried to tell me this when she is working on me, I get it now. She has told me that I am a very powerful creator and what I think happens...good or bad. My card that day had been Intention, and my friend said I have to set my intentions firmly. I do NOT want to end up renting an apartment I told her..I want that house it makes the most sense OR I want a rent to own house.... Again she reminded me to call on the angels so I did that night.....the next day my card was St Michael, a reminder to give all your cares to him...I must confess that the next days I did not wake up in fear...and if I feel fear I just say St Michael come help me!
Saturday I got up and went to ride my bike some, another 20 minutes, ugh, but this time I went on a gravel path to get some confidence and I even rode a bit on the grass to build up my leg muscles. I was thinking about the movie we had seen the night before, Arthur, and it made me think of Randy. He is very child-like much like the character in the movie, but in the movie that girl who fell in love with him really liked his charm and how fun he was and such, and I confess I feel the same way about Randy...the most important point I got though was how he pulled together and took care of his nanny when she got sick, this is one of the big things that held me back with him, I feared he would not be there for me if I got sick and needed help. All this thinking about him though made me miss him, and as I said I want to stay friends so I texted him as he had not answered my last two e-mails. You mad at me I sent....should I be was his reply....no but you didn't answer my mail....I thought it was a mistake I thought we weren't friends anymore....when did I say that? but whatever I won't bother you. I was annoyed with him and was going to let it go but 15 later I sent: If I wasn't your friend why would I ask you if you wanted to come on my friends boat with us............you confuse me was his reply.........deep breath......I am sorry I don't mean to confuse you, I love you and you live with someone else so I am just keeping safe distance to protect myself I sent back...........his reply was: I am free today.......after a bit of debating I told him he could come up and go to the fund raiser with me......Nah I stay home he sent back after awhile....OK I said let me know when you are off again on a weekend if I am not busy we can hang out.....any weeked after 6 he replied....OK.....he made one last attempt to get me go go down there to see him but I said I can't I have people counting on me. I know at least half you out there are rolling your eyes at me for still communicating with him but seriously I want to stay friends, he's important to me, he's a comfort and security to me. When I was in my late 30's I met a guy at my company who was only 24 and came here from the midwest for the job, we ended up haning out every weekend, my boys loved him....in time we started to have more than just a friendship, but it troubled him that he fell in love with someone 13 yrs older.....he'd sit at the end of the bed and sigh "why can't I find someone just like you but my age". Wanting his happiness I found him someone just like me but my age, they started dating and we were all friends for a time (she didn't know) it was nice........but then he suddenly stopped talking to me one time after I had asked them to come stay at my house and watch my kids. I suspect she figured it out and was upset about the bond we had......he ended up marrying her and they are expecting thier third child, she is my friend on facebook so I get to see the kids and an occasional pic of him too. I really miss that friendship, and I wish we could have kept it, I was not jealous of her and my feelings were in the right place. So I know that I can turn a romatic love into a friend, and I will always value what I can have with people in my life even if it's not what I had hoped it would be. This mentality of if you can't be who I want do what I want love me the way I want then I don't want you in my life at all is so sad.....Love is love is love no matter what type it's worth very much. Or in other words if someone offerd you a gold coin when really you were hoping for a gold necklace...would you turn down the coin? You just have to belive that what you have is what you need even if it's not what you asked for..
Sunday I was supposed to go to south jersey to visit a gal pal and another one was also coming too, we used to all hang together several years ago when I had my yahoo groups. We had put this off twice already and even though my allergies were making me tired I was determined to head down there...but after driving for 30 min and realizing I had another hour to go, not to mention the 1.5 hr drive home again I pulled off, called and left a message and headed home. I was just too droopy, allergies are kicking my a$$ and the stress too isn't helping. I slept all afternoon and in the evening just played on the computer. Randy had answered my e-mail from the day before, I scheduled a walking event at Sandy Hook for next sunday and asked him if he wanted to meet after my event. He replied that he could be there at 5:20 but he also added but why....I just replied that you say I confuse you but you confuse me too. Course I know what his but why probably means...I was ready to just be mad and say never mind but Mary keeps telling me how both of us are just mad at each other and the situation and we need to let go of the anger and the pain. I am vowing to be different in my life and not walk off in hurt and anger and really work through things with the people who matter to me, the people I want to keep in my life...... So I am trying to keep some faith here and wait and see what happens. A quote I saw today was:
No comments:
Post a Comment