4-18-11 Connections
My theme of the last few days seems to be all about staying connected with others....read about it and hopefully you can find something to assist you on your path....
Friday afternoon I e-mailed the POF guy to see if we were still on, his reply was that it wasn't looking good as work had gotten really really busy (he has his own business). I said oh ok and left it at that but then I saw him on the POF site the whole rest of the day and night. I wrote him and said that he could have told me someone else caught his eye and he was putting me on the back burner I would have understood, because that's what I did to him the week before. He said that wasn't true but it sure felt that way to me, I dunno but I was just done with him, he really had too many reasons he wasn't that great of a match anyway. I was so tired anyway, allergies kicking my a$$ big time, so I stopped and got a red box movie and spent the night home alone feeling sorry for myself. I got a call from Jeremy about 9pm and he was all upset crying and going on how his life sucked so bad he wants to die and he tries so hard to help people and do whats right and he never can win. I told him two days ago he was all happy and to calm down and tell me whats up. Apparently he had invited Carly over and after all this time he finally got the nerve to try and make a move on her and she rejected him and left. I was baffled too because I really thought that she liked him. He just kept going on and on how he was 20 yrs old his life was over no girl wanted him, the only one who ever wanted him had just used him for drugs and slept with every other guy in town for the same reason. I so wanted to comfort him and I did the best I could but honestly, I am 50, been divorced for 13 years what do I know about finding and keeping a good relationship? Its so easy to raise kids when they are young but then they grow up and you just don't have the answers anymore. Pray and keep the faith was all that I could tell him.
Saturday morning I woke up and there was an e-mail from Randy--finally he had answered me on the "but why" he had written when I had asked if he wanted to meet at The Hook on Sunday---he said "it meant what will we do?". I wrote back in typical wounded Cassie style: "i just wanted to see u-- talk to u-watch u surf if you were going to i miss u i thought u wanted to be friends----but i thought more and i guess theres really not anything for us to do together --- i cant ride bike fast like you , too cold for da beach, and i don't ride the motorcycle like she does so i just bore you
i cant do pokey with you -- i told you that and i gotta stick to that-----guess you are right theres no point in meeting -- so I will just do something with my friends so nevermind" Yep I have mastered the dance of the wounded soul, if there was a contest for that kind of dancing I would be the worlds champ. Beth was right , I am still not ready for a relationship. I have to learn to get past this pain and trust not in someone but in Love again, I have to believe that even though Love often hurts us even in the best of relationships that its still worth it and so much better than being alone. I have to learn how to connect and stay connected even if it hurts sometimes........
Saturday I went to the Mind, Body, Spirit Expo I had posted on meetup, none of them ended up coming (I am having such a hard time rebuilding) but 2 of my friends came, John and Christine the ones I am going to do the reiki session with her kids in recovery. The event was very nice, they gave several free lectures on various subjects that were quite informative. In one of the lectures on body energy work she had us stand in a circle and join hands, and she held a doll, once we joined hands it began to speak, when one pair of people let go of hands the doll stopped talking! We did this a few times and were amazed as the doll had no batteries. But this is a very good demosntration of how there is more energy when people are connected! I also got a short reiki treatment, the only person who was doing it on a per donation basis. It does sadden me how much so many others charge for their goods and services, I hope more enlightened beings learn that it's about getting your gifts out there and not about making a ton of money. But I digress....as usual when she checked my chakras my crown and third eye charkras were wide open, my throat one is blocked a little which surprises all of us, and as we move downward the others are more and more blocked. But she said she saw a vision of me riding down a water slide with a martini in my hand. I think that represents that once I relax, I can let go and do what I fear...(yeah not rocket science here with me you'd think I'd get it by now) LOL
On my way to the event I got a text from Randy: Hi...I sent back a Hi, didn't know what else to say. Two hours later he sends back: It nice weather for clams at Bhars, well he must have read my e-mail I figured. I sent back yeah r u going to be there tomorrow? Yeah and maybe today too he sent back. I can't afford to drive down there two days, maybe I will see you there tomorrow. OK he sent back. So maybe he wants to be friends after all? I put it out of my mind and enjoyed the rest of my day. When I got home Jeremy was already gone so I checked in on him to find out why he had slept over and he said Mike had kicked him out, said he was tired of him drinking so much. You know it's bad when your drug using drinking buddies don't even want you around. I gave him the you need to go get some help lecture, told him I learned some stuff that can help him at the Expo and I will get him the vitamins he needs and teach him the techniques but he still needs to go to the mental health place and get help there also. I then called Mike to ask him about what happened and to lay down the rules when he lets him back. I also asked him if I bought a ham would he want to cook Easter dinner for all of us next week. That made him really happy and he said sure. Later he texted though and said he don't eat pork so I said I would get a small ham and a small turkey. Holidays are important to have family connections and right now this is the family that I have.
Sunday morning I woke up early even thought I wanted to sleep in a bit to have energy for the walk and to see Randy. I pulled the angel card for the day and it was Romance. I just stared at it not wanting to read anything into it. It was also Palm sunday and I was glad that I had scheduled the walking and talking event for later so that I could go to mass first, I thought about the fact that I would probably see Vic and I wished I could extend a hand of friendship but I reminded myself that he needs to return my flashdrive first. I got to Mass and I realized since it was palm Sunday it started later, I did see Vic there, he glanced at me but we didn't acknowledge each other. I also had to sneak out early so that I could get to my walking event. It was a very nice time, about 8 people and a lovely cool but sunny day. I managed to walk for 2 hrs some of the others stayed with me and some of the group walked further and we met back at the end. I got blisters though, really need to get good walking shoes so I can keep doing this. I promised to schedule another one in a couple weeks and they were all happy. I sat and talked to Cecilia and she said it was a shame that I don't talk to Annmarie anymore. I said well I did all I could with that relationship and those groups and its time for me to make new friends. I do feel its part of my job here to make as many connections as possible and bring as many as I can together. I keep a few long term people who will always be in my circle of friends and I like that but I know that I am just not going to stay closely connected with everyone I encounter.
After the walk I went to Bhars to wait for Randy, it was all couples together and I felt so alone and wished I had a boyfriend. He finally came in and he was looking so good, he even was clean and nicely dressed and had changed from his work clothes, but I didn't hug him nor him me. I had gotten there early and had already ate and paid by the time he got there, he had gotten confused with the time and went to the hook first and drove around, I told him you knew I was there for a walk and he said he doesn't read or if he does remember e-mails. Ugh so him. LOL We talked about stuff , nothing serious and when I mentioned I had been to church for Palm Sunday he remembered how he and I had went to church on Palm Sunday and said he wished he could get a day job M-F full time so he could do all the stuff on the weekends that I do like go to church and go on hikes and walks. For some reason then we got on the topic of sleep and the told me how well he sleeps now he got a sleep number bed, he went on and on with the story and the only thing I could think of was he bought that for him and HER and for us we had this thin crappy one of CL. He talked also about wanting to apply for a full time day job with UPS and I said you will get it. He said you know so many things happend for me this year that I asked for when you gave me the SpiritStones and the wish on the full moon, remember the one I sent you? I wished for lots of snow and buddies to ride with and it had been raining and melting but the next morning there was tons of snow and I found guys to ride with! What he doesn realize though is all those things he wished for, at the same time I put my energy into wishing them for him too...... if only someone loved me enough to wish with me that I would get the things I asked for.....It then got hot and loud in there and we didn't like it and I said I was leaving, he said wait for me so I did.....we went outside and talked a bit more. He told me about how much he's falling apart, can't hear so good, can't see so good and he said by the time he's 50 he bets he won't even be able to walk from all the abuse he's given his body. Wow a real liability you are going to be, I said your life is going to be like that movie misery, you crippled in bed and that mean crazy woman standing over you yelling. He thought of that a minute and shuddered. LOL Well I gotta go I said , since it was still light out I said I wanted to go check out a spot for hiking with a scenic over look------I know where that is follow me he said....
scenic overlook Atlantic HighlandsWe went to the park and looked around but it was not the place so I said I am putting it in my GPS and off I went. He did follow me and it was a lovely lovely view, this place is new to me he said didn't know it was here. See I am not like you I told him I like to always keep trying new places. We saw an apartment tower and he said how kewl would it be to live there, lets go over and pretend to be a couple and see what they are like. I gave him a glare at the "pretend to be a couple" remark so he quickly added a couple of people. I gazed at the view while he told me stories of storms that had at some points covered all of Sandy Hook and we both said how nice it would be to have a view like this from a home. I said yes I so wish I had gotten that home on Sunset, he said I wish you did too. I then looked up and noticed the moon was coming up...look I said and wow I forgot that tonight was the full moon...... It grew darker and cooler and I kept saying I need to head home, but he kept talking. I never want to go home when I am with him...but its so bittersweet....I love him so much and I want to be with him. But I recalled even when dating he would spend a little time with me but then want to leave me alone for very long times and go off and play.......I didn't feel connected to him then, I didn't feel like he was holding on and wouldn't abandon me. I finally said OK time to go, and we got in our vehicles and left the park. Heading back up 36 I passed him and we waved to each other and as I sped off my heart began to ache so badly for awhile, I mean really physically ache. I hope we can stay friends and see each other again sometime, he looked sad and sounded non-committal. I know though he will see me if I ask him and he's around. I just have to find a way to stay connected to him, because he means so much to me, but not to let it hurt me for what it not is that I want. Our connections to others really wouldn't be painful if we could learn to accept them for what they are and not want from them what they aren't giving to us.....
Think about this one today.........how are your connections? Do you joyfully accept them or do you struggle with them because they are not giving you all that you want from them? Relax and learn to let things flow....accept what is and don't let go of the people who really matter to you
With Love and In The Light, Cassie
PS-when I got home from work there was lovely handwritten card from my dear dear sorrority sister in Canada---the note said: even though we don't talk often I consider you one of my best friends and I truly cherish our relationship. Now there's a friendship that has lasted! I can't tell you enough how important those high school and college friendships are, join clubs, do sports, anything to make those real time connections!
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