4-22-11 Forgiveness

Within tears, find hidden laughter
Seek treasures amid ruins, sincere one.
Rumi

4-22-11  Forgiveness

My theme to contemplate this week seems to be forgiveness....

Monday late afternoon the POF guy messaged me, said want to meet after work, I will drive up there. I just said no I am tired and have to go take my son his laundry. I kept looking at his profile after that and wondering if I should exchange e-mails a little but decided against it. Just wasn't in the mood at that moment to forgive him for blowing me off last friday. In the evening I just played on the computer some and since I couldn't let go of Randy bringing up the lovely bed he bought for him and his pretend wife to sleep in I sent him an e-mail and said that I know you didn't mean to but that hurt, if you want to stay friends you got to stop telling me all the things you do for her that you never did for me........he answered me tuesday morning saying Oooops I sorry, was only trying to tell you about how I solved my back problems....I know I know I replied just try to not do that again, I really want to stay friends but I don't want to hurt.....and if I keep hurting I am going to have to back away again...

Tuesday  after work Mike and I had our regular tuesday night dinner plans and this time we invited a couple of our mutual gal pals. That ended up being quite pleasant. On the way there I shopped a little to kill the time and bought him a little gift for his boat that was on clearance. He was so happy with that small gesture, even though I spent little. I like to buy things for the people I care about, and he then insisted on paying for my drink and appetizers at the bar so I ended up recieving more than I gave. During dinner one of the gals brought up a person she's been hanging out with lately who has a bad rep for gossiping so much and other things in the circle of firiends, Mike and I neither one of us has talked to her in quite sometime but we did like many things about her. So when she asked could she come to stuff again that he was having he said ok sure lets give this another shot, forgive and forget.... Good attitude to have, especially in this online social networking when we are all here because of divorce or loss, hurts and trials we arent always our best person the first time around....... forgive forget and try again with all who come back and sincerly want to make a change.....

I went home after dinner, regretting my full belly, the amount of money I spent that I can't afford and got the bill for my car insurance...it's really hight these days due to a couple of speeding tickets I got (ya no forgiveness there). I climbed into bed and tried to calm my mind down and not worry about money-- I said my prayers and I prayed dear God please help me please send me some more money....and my voice said "you aren't out of money yet". Well I couldnt argue with that, I had just gotten my income tax return....

Wednesday I had to show up for court for that girl who tresspassed on my property several months back, she had skipped out of the first court appearance so it was rescheduled. I was told she wouldn't show up again but she did, in the end we both agreed to drop our charges against each other and let the matter drop, its a shame I had to file a charge to protect myself from this person who only filed charges against me to protect herself for breaking the law--all I wanted to do was to get her off my property and not come back, but nooooooo we have to hire lawywers and go to court and all this cost and time too in the end just drop it forgive forget move on. Ugh But it was good I got a chance to see Tony and I laid in all on the line with him regarding my house, that they had to set a date and close in May well before the end of the month or else the deal was off and I would sit there till the bank evicts me and good luck to them trying to get the bank to jump through the hoops they  are asking me to jump through! I am so angry at them for all they have put me through and I pray to forgive, its all just politics, some want the money to go to other things..... dear God let me forgive and let me move on....

Later in the evening I was sitting around and for some reason Randy popped in my head, that of course mad me feel a bit of anger in regards to him and that woman he lives with when we love each other and he only moved her in to get back at me. A few minutes after I meditated to release that anger he texted me....Hi....Hi  how are ya, I sent back.......I am trying to find someone to go sking with on sunday...I texted back take the family, he said they were all working.....its Easter I told him they should be off.....Guess I will go alone he replied and I could see and hear him in my mind the way he gets when he whines about not having anyone to hang with.......I thought about it for a bit and then said....well if you are really lonely I will ride up with you and sit and read a book in the lodge while you ski.......his reply.........and?.....and I will watch you come down the hill..........and ?.........I dont know what else would I do if I went? I replied........oh I don't know he sent back......at that point I knew what he must be hinting at...stupid dummyhead just don't get it that we are just friends with NO benifits now......I just replied OK and left it at that..... I forgive him for moving that woman into his house and leaving me alone but I can't continue a physcial affair with him and create more and more reasons to forgive, not only him but myself for allowing myself to be in a situation that will hurt and dishonor me.

Thursday as I was getting ready for work I looked out the window to see what the weather looked like and I glanced at the SpiritStone on the sill. Remember how last fall I was instructed by my inner voice to place one in each window of my house to ward off and keep out the bad spirits (one of them my dead ex-husband) who were trying to block the sale of my house? Well my little voice said "its time to collect the stones and be ready to take them to your new home"  I ran around and got about half of them and vowed to get the rest later. Later at work I was trying to plan out my 3 day weekend and since my plans for friday got cancelled I was trying to see if I could find a guy to go out with. I sent my phone number to one guy from CL I had been writing to and I also decied what the heck and wrote to the POF guy and said I can meet you for coffee friday if you want.....he said that may be possible where and when and I made a suggestion for a place halfway...... Shortly after that I got an e-mail from my Lawyer-- in it was a letter from the township's lawyer.....Basically it said that since I refused to extend the closing 45 days then they were terminating the contract that they had to buy my house. However they were going to continue, with my permission, to seek grants to remideate the propety and remove the underground storage tank at thier risk. They also said they were going to work with me towards a closing once that was accomplished.

At that moment I was so mad at God.....so angry that I had given him every once of faith that I had in me and still he let me down, I was about to loose every chance I had of ever buying another home. It wasn't fair, I do good things for people all the time, I love I care I suffered and I kept giving to others anyway. I married and cared for a man who abused me, I spent the next 13 years alone while the only man I loved since moved some other woman into his house and I am now about to be homeless,or at least stuck in some tiny apartment and have to give up alot of my belongings....It wasnt fair how can I forgive him for allowing all this to happen to me???? How??  And then I remembered what day it was,  maundy thursday , the night of Jesus's Last Supper, the night he washed thier feet and showed his love for all of them before he was to die on the cross and give up his very life for them and for us all so that we could be forgiven. Me even consider that I need to forgive God? Yeah that was nuts, and slowly I remembered the signs I had been given all week about finding joy in sadness, God has a plan, sometimes its better when things fall apart.... I have to keep the faith and keep going......if God had gone to such great lengths to find a way to forgive us and pay the dept for all our sins who was I to be angry at him just because he wasn't making things happen for me in my way in my time. These months of waiting were nothing compared to how long he waits for us to come to him for his forgiveness.....

So I contacted Mary and went to dinner with her and formulated plan B:  look for a rent to own house, let the township get the grants and do the work on my place and put my house for sale by owner, I can use that extra money that was going to realtor fees anyway and if she deserved them she would have gotten my house closed in time. We also talked of Randy and how he's been behaving and she said agian he did all this got this woman and is keeping her even when he really wants to be with you because he still can't forgive you for leaving him. I told her of how we wished the night of the full moon that I had gotten that house on Sunset and I said right after we said that I noticed the full moon.....She said I know you love him, I wish he'd get his crap together. If you had it to do all over again would you have left him? I thought a moment and I said yes--because our relationship was always just halfway good enough....he needed to grow up a bit and instead he went off on a path to spite me for hurting him.........if he stays on that path I am better off without him........but I still think he's my twin flame, we are destined to be together and the powers that be haven't given up on him yet....... but in the meantime I am going onward......... Once I got home from dinner I collected the rest of my SpiritStones so that I could take them to my new home in Keyport soon......

Today on this day of the crucifixion of our savior I want you to really contemplate the meaning of forgiveness and I want you to think of each and every person that you hold ill feelings for. I don't care how just you think you are and how much you think they don't deserve to be forgiven, because really did YOU deserve to have someone DIE for the things that you did wrong? I want you to forgive them, and if you can't forgive them I want you to tell God that you would like to forgive them but you just can't right now........he will help you......trust me it's so worth it.......

With Love and in the Light, Cassie

The nice thing about things falling apart is that you can pick up only the pieces that you want....~Neal Donald Walsh

Leona Lewis - Forgiveness
http://youtu.be/M11DLgTAkyE