4-25-11 Conviction of the Heart
My theme this weekend seems to have been about making choices, deciding with certainty, having conviction of the heart.....come read and maybe you will find something useful for yourself....
Friday I didn't end up meeting the POF guy, for some reason the time wasn't working out for him. So I went to buy the ham and turkey and a few things for Easter Dinner and took them over to Mike and Jeremy's place so they would have them to cook on sunday. I sat down and talked to Jeremy and explained about what happened with the house. I told him about plan B and he said yes that's whats going to happen you are going to get a rent to own, that came to me last week. I said I hope you are right, then again he had said the one on 2nd street was the one I would get when I told him I was going to look at it, then again I had bid on it.... He was all tired and cranky and we talked for a bit, he really wants to get out of this town and I don't blame him. I don't like his idea of going to Florida though but told him he's an adult he can do what he wants. He wanted money for cigarettes so I made him come over to the house and haul some garbabge down to the curb, I had orderd pick up service for another month, trying to get some of this stuff gone that my tennnat left. I am so ready to get out of this place that has been so much work but I am greatful to have had Jeremy who always helped me, I was reminded of that too when someone commented on and old youtube video I had posted: a video I took of him how he improvised and mowed our yard one time when the riding mower broke and I couldn't afford a new one or repairs:http://www.youtube.com/embed/62OucSWv-B8
I also heard from Mike, my Keyport realtor and he said no problem he would start looking for rent to own properties for me and also rentals. I told him I was going to be down there on Wednesday to give Reiki to Christines substance abuse group so I could give the afternoon to looking. I spent sometime looking and found a few that had been on the market for a long time, one in particular caught my eye, it was on the opposite side of the parkway, not near the water but it had 3 bedrooms and was a block from the train station--getting roomates to help with bills would be a piece of cake. But it was in Matawan and not Keyport and I had my heart set on Keyport... When Dad found out I lost the contract with the township his reply to me was "You are your own worst enemy"...in some ways he's right, its my indescion that sabotoges me all the time. I also spent some time talking to the the POF guy, we were having fun writing back and forth and made plans to meet wednesday as his shop is in Keyport. The last thing he wrote to me was asking if I was into a particular sexual thing.....I worte back NO but he had signed off for the night....
Saturday I woke up and pulled the Soulmate card. My first thought was no I don't want this today I won't be seeing Randy...my second thought was oh stop with the Randy already-- if he wanted you he'd be with you Get Over It Already I said to myself in my sternest inner voice! My third thought was oh yuck maybe its the POF guy.....right after that he messaged me in reply to my No----well thats a deal breaker he said.....Oh ok well take care was my only reply. And *poof* he was gone, he obvioulsy doesn't really want someone he just thinks he does, he's not ready....I have been there in the past I wasn't going to judge him. I venture to say 85% on these dating sites people aren't relationship material, even a casual one. They are either married, in a relationship already but having problems, still working out a multitude of issues and really are just there for the validation. I want you to want me but I dont really want anyone. Beware of dating sites, don't get your hopes too high untill it goes OFFline and in real life.
I then went to pick up Beth as she and I were going to meet Wendy for a Spiritual Nexus event, she is working so hard to build a network of holistic spriritual practictioners, and I know that I am supposed to help her but my heart just isn't in it right now, so much draining my energy at present. Beth and I talked about many things on the ride down, one of them being Randy--by the time we got down there she had me convinced that he was not the one for me--not that she was trying to convince me of anything she was providing her input and perceptions with love because she cares. While there Mary called me for something and I said as much to her, and she reminded me that I had told her that I was willing to accept him with all those faults. Later in the meeting it came up and Wendy said don't forget to not let your own past experinces enter into how you feel about this situation for Cassie. And on the way home in fact she and I did discuss the whole thing again (isnt it pathetic how we women spend so much time talking about men?) but anyway I had her pretty much swayed back to thinking he was the one, that me leaving him and him having this relationship would make him a better partner for me in the end, and I did have to be patinet and honor the contract he currently is in with her and wait for it to be done, that I knew those boys had needed him and he needed to feel like a father for awhile. Course really this whole entire experience boils down to one thing----I HAVE TO CHOOSE for myself, make up my own mind and follow the path with out constantly doupting, looking back, peeking over to other's paths... This is what is needed...
The other thing that came up was my move to Keyport and the selling of my house etc. I reflected on how I was told again and again how Powerful I am and how what I think creates the reality that I live in so quickly. I confessed that I know that I lost the chance to get the house on 2nd street beacaus really I was too afraid, worried that it would be too much work that I could not afford. I had said what I really wanted was to get a rent to own, that way I am in it and I know what has to be done and the landlord has to take care of it before I get stuck buying it. I was happy to report that the one constant was the area that I want to live in, I had considered a place near work a few times but my body physcially showed me with anziety that I did not belong there. I kept being told I am to heal the water, and actually watched the movie oceans and it made me have an even deeper conviction to this task. I also told Beth about my planting SpiritStones all along 287, and she agreed I can see where that is needed and the stones would help, your stones pack a powerful punch, I really hope that you start selling them again she said. The last thing that happed in regard to my move was during the event Wendy introduced me and she said Cassie is moving to Matawan soon. I was like wow, just wow..there is a house on the market for a very long time and I asked my realtor to see if they would do a rent to own, it appeared to be a good choice but it was not in Keyport or near the water ...it was in Matawan....that may very well be a sign I told her! I felt better and had more faith that even though my plans got torn down that they can be rebuilt in a good way...I just have to keep my heart strong and decide what I want and not be afraid.
Today I want you to make choices on what and who your heart is going to burn for....and I don't mean a consuming fire, rather a fire of passion that remains steady and never waivers. For what you decide to do and put your whole heart into there will be much power behind that choice.......and if you have a hard time knowing what to choose ask God and he will show you with signs........give wings to your goals and vison to your dreams! Have conviction of the heart......
Have a Blessed Easter everyone!
With Love and in the Light, Cassie
Kenny Loggins-- Conviction of the Heart
http://youtu.be/8n_GMfJ49co
quote from Marianne Williamson: "Passover and Easter can be seen as simply metaphors, or as genuine force that delivers us to the alchemy of personal transformation. Which they are depends on how we hold them... where we allow them to live within our minds and hearts. On this illumined day, may the hand of God free you from the slavery your own internal bondage and the tomb of your own deadened places, delivering you to new freedom and new life."
Laura says, "This religious holiday is just another reminder to find the Spirit of 'Christ' in all of us - Jesus - Divine - the Holy Spirit - Mohammed - Creator - Goddess - Buddha - Allah - Yahweh ... many names, one source ... shalom."
And fan Leslie adds, "Transformation, re-birth, resurrection, rejuvenation, restoration... are what I strive for loudly and desperately on each and every day, but on this day I find I must quietly and with reverence search deep within my soul for the grace and love of God.
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