5-2-11 Peeling Layers

Show me anger and I will show you hurt, show me hurt and I will show you love, peel the layers if you care.... ~Rumi

5-2-11 Peeling Layers

Thursday evening I came home and rested because of my chest pains, really had me worried there for a bit. While I was sitting here the POF guy sent me another picture of his you know what. I was thinking how ironic that when I was in the town he works in the day before he wasn't interested and now the day after that he's contacting me again. You sent this to the wrong person I texted back, no I didn't I miss talking to you he texted back. I was in Keyport yesterday.....you should have called he replied.....You told me you didn't want me because I won't do **** I sent back. OMG I am so sorry he replied. I just texted: You aren't ready for someone as good as me, it's OK I been there myself (and I had) I totally got the post and ad want to meet and get scared and back off routine, some call it the dance of the wounded souls, I call it Wild puppy syndrome. Did I ever tell you guys about that? When I was a girl growing up on the farm a stray dog had puppies under the barn, and then she died when the puppies were a few weeks old....none of them ever let anyone get close to them they snarled and barred their teeth and put on a good show. I wanted to hold one of them soooooo bad though that I went there every day after school and took food and sat there for hours. It took some time but they crept closer and closer to me each time till one day I scooped one up and held it despite its yapping.....in time it got so they all would come to me and we had a lot of fun times together until we found homes for all of them. People are like this too, especially those who have been hurt deeply....if you can have a little patience you can end up with a very loyal love.......

Friday I worked from home and was very happy to be getting back to that routine! It's so quiet here, no one interrupting me and such, I get sooooo much more work done. In the evening was the Singles Improv, we didn't get a lot of people but we had a few and it was good for those who came. I had a good time as always and each time I learn a bit more about myself and reveal a bit more about myself. Anthony and I talked for a bit afterwards about plans for future workshops and I also told him about the huge basement in my new home and once it's fixed up we can use it to hold Improv's if he wants to. I had seen that he joined the Singles Group and left a comment about his impeding divorce, I gave him some encouragement there and he is doing OK with that, just another case of people who grew apart. It's sad to see but truly people need to have some common interests so they can spend quality time together, not all the time but some of the time, those moments are the bonds that cement a good relationship. But anyway, I am very excited about having more Improv workshops, and also he paid me from the last time plus some for this time and I got $40 so that was good too...I just may turn all this into a second income after all!

Saturday I got busy and set up the Cassie's Co-Operative , I decided to just make a facebook group. I have this idea where we can "buy" and "sell" goods and services for karma points instead of money. I can't hire a webmaster for the complicated site I hope to have but for now this will do. I posted my reiki treatments and Beth her yoga and her reiki and Wendy her counseling services. I kept getting the idea in my head to post the tent that my tenant had left, but I resisted at first, wasn't sure if I wanted to keep it or wasn't sure it was something anyone would want, especially since we had so few members. In the end I posted it and a photo for 30 Karma points and Wendy was so excited she snagged it right up! I told her my little voice nagged me to post it and she thanked me and my little voice. It felt so good to be able to provide for someone else. I hope I can get this to catch on...so far so good... I am going to post SpiritStones too for barter! Check it out on facebook sometime: Cassie's Co-Operative

Saturday evening I was supposed to go dancing down in Aberdeen with the singles group but I didn't feel so well and didn't want to drive so far either. My friend Brian had posted something and with his permission I posted on my group also. So it was nice to be able to bow out and know my people had someone to look for. It was meant to be that I stayed home too because Jeremy called and wanted me to take him to the store, he had done some cash work and earned a few bucks and needed several things so I went to get him. I was hungry and asked if he had time to go to the pizza place and he said yes, he even paid for his own meal! Then we went to Lowes so he could get stuff for his yard, it was cute to see him going through the spring rituals that he and I shared for so many years, getting mulch, grass seed, plants and he even got a bird seed bell! Next we went to Walmart, he headed off as I was returning my red box movie and I had to call him to find him, it was odd to have the role reversal in the past it was me off shopping and him calling to find me!  He got some clothes, seemed to take forever for him to sort though the clearance T-shirts, and he found a hat too. I found a funky one only $3 and he said can I pull this off? I said sure...just know that you are the shit in that hat, you look good they will make fun of it and try to make you think otherwise but know that they are just jealous.

Sunday I got up and went to Mass before going to my singles walking event. At the last minute I wrote to the POF guy and said I will be in your area about 5 if you want me to stop by your shop and say Hi, he liked that idea and he gave me the address and I said I would text him when I was leaving the event or if I decided to do something else. I was hoping a tiny bit that Randy would change his mind and want to see me, but at the same time thinking it was for the best he did not. The place I choose to walk was lovely but only a few people showed up and all of them from POF. There had been a glitch with my meetup group and the event got cancelled and I had to un-cancel it. All women came and all had similar bad stories about dating online and stuff, its so sad, such a jungle out there, seems no one can get past their pain and love anymore...... After the walk I texted the POF guy to say I was heading up to Keyport.......he never replied so I drove to the address he gave me. It was a gas station not a parts shop! I didn't know what to think so then I decided to try Clark Ave instead of Clark Street..nada......I didn't even bother to let this hurt me.....cest la vie it would have just been something else to have to heal from later..

I decided to go to town and eat dinner before heading home, I just parked about 5pm and my phone rang...I hoped for a minute that it was Randy as that is the time he gets off work.......instead it was my son who wanted a ride to borrow my lawn mover for a job he got.......I told him I wasn't home and he got all cranked out o me trying to arrange another time......as I hung up the phone I curse a little at him ruining my peaceful and relaxed mood of my day. I tried calling him back but he wouldn't pick up so I left him a message that I would eat fast and be home by 6:30.......so I got a lobster sandwich at the fishery and parked by the bay and ate...all alone.....but its better than being with someone grouchy I thought. I then went over to take another look around the house I want to rent to own, seeing good things seeing bad things but working on putting my heart into it. I had three SpiritStones left in my pouch I keep in the car that I use to "seed" places I want to bring good energy to, two rose quartz ones and one green one (I made a mental note to look up the one and its meaning) I know the rose quartz are all about love... I was going to toss them down like I always do but instead left them on the front stoop. With a silent prayer I got back in my car and headed north....

At 6:30 I was pulling in my driveway and I got a text (I thought maybe its that idiot POF guy)  but .it was from Randy. Hi it said........Hi I sent back with suspicion........Are you down here he texted? Annoyance was starting to bubble up, here I had just dealt with the letting go, sitting alone thing working on moving on and he had to text me? I was but now I am not I sent back pointedly.......oh I was just thinking of you might like to go and get some clam strips.......Arrggggg! What a dummy head! I bet he had told me no before in hopes I'd give in to his way, or perhaps because he wanted to play first and oh who knows what other selfish and inconsiderate reason! I sent back- YOU said you didn't want to see me so I got dinner at the fishery sat at the bay and ate and now I am home. Oh was all he replied.......now I was really annoyed and I was going to let it drop........but then I recalled the angel card I had drew that morning, Forgiveness, and I had said I wanted to be his friend...if I want that then I got to do the work to have it. So I replied.......maybe some other time.......and with that my spirit sighed and relaxed. the kinder road really is the easier one isn't it? Oh definitely for sure was his reply......so I said OK and BTW  the lobster sandwich at the fishery is really good........yes its awesome he replied. So hey I peeled off a layer or two of hurt when it comes to Randy, I do want to be friends and I feel better about all of this........its just so much nicer to forgive.....it doesn't make you weaker it makes you sweeter.....just like an onion! lol

Today I want you to look at yourself and see what layers you have to protect yourself for outside forces that could cause you hurt or pain or stress. Where has life given you callouses? Are there any that you are brave enough to pull off and expose the soft skin underneath that is who you really are? Who you were born as? Peel those layers people........they really don't protect you half as much as they hide you.........

With Love and in the Light, Cassie