5-31-11 Mouring a Lost Love
This week I let go, and mourned.........tommorow I will get on with my life....
Friday I prayed for my lawn to get mowed and to get a lot done in the yard so it would look nice for my first BBQ in my new home and what I hoped would be the first of many for the summer. I was trying to find a ride for Jeremy down to here but that wasn't panning out. I went outside and did what I could and was debating on if I should go downtown and get one of the guys who stand on the corner waiting for work. While I thought I hosed down the front porch and while doing that I picked up the three SpiritStones I had sitting there on the deck rail and put them back down. Right after I did that a landscape truck drove by and I decied what the heck let me try and call the guy who's number my landlord gave me and see if I could get him to come. I called and he said I just drove past! (so many landscapes and HE just drove by) he said he would do one yard and be right over. My yard was done well before noon, I promised to post about his business in on my website since they did such a good job and were reasonable too and it was a good thing as he told me he had just lost a big contract with the school system and he really needed the work.
In the afternoon Jeremy called and his roomate had gotten arrested for not paying child support, how they expect him to do that when he has no job I have no clue but they took him to Morristown and he was getting out later once he saw the judge. I told Jeremy I was going to lay down and take a nap. When I woke up I did not feel well , certainly not well enough to drive for 3 hrs round trip to Morristown, and Flemington and back home again so I told him to call someone else and I was real sorry. I puttered around a bit more and took a shower and then decided to see if Randy wanted to come over since he had not brought me the paint spray gun. I texted do you have plans after work? Was hoping you could stop over.........his reply: I am not sure yet. Well that annoyed me that he would put something before me but then again he did have his life so I just said Ok take care talk to you soon. So he called me and he told me this long story about how long it took him to find the spray guns because the kid had piled all his stuff in the shed so he could use the garage to work on his car. I just said well can you drop one of them off for me tommorow and he said something about being able to get away to come see me later tonight like after 11pm and I said no thanks I am going to bed but you can leave it by the back porch. No I am not liking this one bit and I think that I need to quit forgetting what the spirit told Mary to tell me and that was to let Randy be.
Saturday I headed to Flemington to bring Jeremy and his roomate Mike down to spend the rest of the weekend. They wanted to hang out and I also needed help in the yard and such for the party. Chris came down and she and I went out shopping and to lunch at the Marina and also for ice cream. She had brought me a lovely plant as a house warming gift and paid for my ice cream too! Oh and she told me again how much she loves to read my blog! Who could ask for a better friend than that! We happily made plans to spend much more time together this summer down here and she is going to come sleep over sometimes. While we were out Jeremy and Mike painted the patio furniture and did a lot of the chores on the list. Randy called to see how things were going and I told him we were making steaks later on and he was welcome to come eat dinner at 9pm, he said he was going home to clean up his yard and deck and such so he could paint the next day. He never did show up over here even though I saved him a plate maybe the kids came home or friends came over and I realized that even in the same neighborhood, so long as we had seperate homes we are going to have seperate lives. Chris says this is a good thing because I will have time to look around for other options in men..... Mary also stopped over as she was in the area for a party. She talked to Mike a bit and I told her about his heart attack the other day. She is a medical intuitive also and she gave him a very firm talk about going to the doctor on tuesday , that he needs a stent put in and to take it very easy between now and then.
Sunday morning I was finishing my coffee and about to get in the shower when I got a text from Randy wanting the good spray gun. I said I thought you kept one and I was keeping this one and he said Jeremy had told him this one worked better. So I said OK come get it. He sat and we talked for a good while in the back yard and he said the reason he didn't come over last night was because the kids came home. I decided to tell him about my date, he said "oh are ya cheating on me" and I just gave him a look. He asked to kiss me and I said no go home and kiss your wife, but I did let him rub my shoulders as I am so achey from all the moving. After he left I headed over to Stop & Shop for groceries, they had a new scan as you go system and I wanted to try it but wasn't sure if I could figure it out. While there though I bumped into one of my CassiesCalendar friends and we both were pleased to see each other shopping at the same store! We chatted a bit, he showed me how to use the scanner and he promised to stop by sometime soon and see the new place. Later in the day Jeremy, Mike and I were heading out to a BBQ we got invited to and Randy stopped back to get the other spray gun because he broke the good one. He looked kinda sad that we were heading out for fun and mumbled about going to go to the hot dog truck. I thought it sad he had to work all day alone and his "family" wasnt helping him, I told him to come back later for dinner with us.
The BBQ was loads of fun with tons of food, karaoke, zumba and lots of friends. Mike and Jeremy at first hadn't wanted to go but in the end ended up not wanting to leave! LOL I finally drug them away and we stopped for propane, more mulch and flowers on the way home. I texted Randy to come over but he was coverd in paint and halfway through the job and said he would come later for dinner, I said ya but the family will come home and then you won't want to.. f-them he said I want to see you. But....10pm came and the Jeremy cooked chicken, corn on the grill I texted him and he said I can't......I was so dissapointed but then said well then you can come later when they go to bed. So about midnight he showed up on his motorcycle. Jeremy asked him to run him over to the store for a pack of cigarettes and Jeremy went to get the helmet. Randy and I talked while he was looking for it and I asked him why he hasnt been coming over, is it the kids you want to hang with or her keeping a tight watch on you and he said a little of both. Then porceded to tell me how much fun he the kids and thier friends had drinking and cooking on the grill and "the wife" didnt come home till 11pm. He said she wasn't at all apreciative of all the work he had done on the deck and the fence sweating all day in the hot sun. He also told me that Patty, his ex-GF before me had sent him a text saying I miss you, "the wife" found it and said she was moving out. I asked him did he want her to and he said yes he can't stand her.. I said ok so work on letting this happen...then he said but she pays me a lot to live here... At that moment Jeremy came out and was getting on the bike to ride over to the store, Randys bike sputtered some and then he said he was low on gas...Jeremy got upset then and said never mind I will ride the bicycle. I went inside and waited for Randy to come in but he did not......I went back outside and he and Jeremy were finishig up a talk and Jeremy was saying "just don't you forget what I said" he looked upset.....
What just happend I asked when Jeremy left, I think I better go he said.....why I asked? Your son just told me that I need to get serious with you or I need to leave. Oh geeze I said, I never told him to say anything to you. But I decided to talk about all this one more time and I said well now she says she's leaving do you want her to go. He said he wanted a new girlfriend he missed intimacy on all levels but he liked the money she pays he needed it. I said I guess what you really want is to keep the kids and have a new girlfriend, let them stay and pay rent $100 a week each thats all she pays. He said they wouldn't pay, and that's so much change to go through. He said I would have been with you and never had them but you left me, and I reminded him how he hadn't spent as much time with my son even though they had so much more in common and he talked logistics of us up there and him down here and I said well you should have asked us to move in back then but you just worried Jeremy might mess up your house but these kids have done 10 times the damage! Then he said well you left me, you rused it you weren't paitent we had only dated for 8 months... That's when I got pissed. YOU ONLY DATE'D HER FOR TWO MONTHS AND MOVED HER IN I YELLED! Then I realized it was midnight and we were sitting outside so I just said leave, leave now and do not come back. He left with out a word, which is his nature. I came in the house and cried and Jeremy got back from his bike ride. He said Mom it had to be done, I didn't want him hurting you anymore he has to man up, make a choice or leave you alone so that you can find another man who will be what you need. But Mary had said I was going to move here, he was going to come around more and feel comfortable and secure and in the end he would marry me. That still migh happen he said, he also said that I had a few more things to learn from being single, and he said maybe Randy will go home, think hard and decide to grow up and be the man he should have been to you before, if not then you are going to meet someone much better than him. Since I know how in touch he is spiritually, being an indigo child, I believe him...
So today is Memorial Day and I soon will have a home full of friends who love me. We are going to the parade in town to honor the vets and then we are going to BBQ into the evening. I have totally mixed feelings about how I feel about the Randy thing but I do know that once I can bury this past I will find my new peace and tranquility, that one big let go is better than a thousand little let downs. I really was fooling myself that a little of him now and again really wasn't better than nothing. It's been a full year now of us talking again and he trying to have it both ways, he can't decide so I must decide for me, and I had to have help from my son. Ugh I still have much to learn on this path of mine.....
Today on this Memorial Day, I hope you remember those who gave thier lives for your freedom and I hope that you use that freedom wisely, for the pursuit of happiness and not for the pursuit of people and things that don't bring you true happiness. Lay to rest the pain and the past, do your mourning, and then get up and walk on and live the best life you can, the best life that you truly deserve........
With Love and in the Light, Cassie
Memorial Day - Taps
http://youtu.be/BVzrsyCtoWY
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