8-12-11 Making Peace With My World

Make Peace with the Universe.
Take Joy in it. It will turn to gold.
Every moment a New Beauty.
♥ Rumi ♥

8-12-11   Making Peace With My World

Monday was my last day of vacation and I had to take Jeremy to the Unemployment office that was going to help him get a job. I wished I was off because Randy had mentioned going to the beach but he did have plans with a work buddy and its better he got to go with him. I was pleased with the meeting and I feel like they are going to help him. I decided to drive back home via the coast and go for lunch. Jeremy wasn't so into it but I made him anyway. We ended up having lunch at Bhars and I missed being there with Randy so I texted him. He said that he was going to be at The Seagulls nest for lunch with his buddy in another hour.....maybe I'll come for dessert I texted....then or maybe its a bad idea.....He said I can pretend you are my neighbor. So we went and it was nice to see him, he texted me later and said how fun that was and I said yeah but if we ever end up together now we gotta keep this lie going... I don't know about all this, we did resolve much the night before and he told me how much he likes being with me and its not at all about the sex, he firmly said to me you want me to prove that to you I will, I can go weeks, months I will come and take you out or watch movies anything you want no sex, YOU are the one who always wants that. I have to admit he's right about that... He was also right about how moody I am, first wanting him and then tossing him away again......

Tuesday was back to work and I was pleased to see I was missed, in today's economy that's very much needed, everyone is so concerned about the stock market going so low!  I did some more thinking about Jeremy's depression, and mine too and the ebbs and flows in our energy cycles and such because I was thinking how much energy I had this day. I recalled how the psychic had brought up thyroid stuff again so I did a quick search for herbs for this. I also texted Randy to wish him good luck at the dentist and I asked if he could come see me and said please please so he said yes see you after work. I got home made dinner, got groceries and ordered some herbs and such that would help us out. Jeremy had gotten a letter from the DMV and was told they were taking his licence away if he didn't deal with the stuff from court. I had a talk with him and laid out a plan on how we are going to deal with this, he said why didn't you help me before and I said because you were living on your own doing your own thing drinking drugging now you are under my roof again and behaving that's the difference. He seemed a bit relived to be getting some help and I can see that despite the fact he's almost 21 my parenting days aren't done yet...

Randy arrived right on time and he came in and talked to Jeremy a bit, it was nice and made Jeremy very happy, all he ever wanted was for Randy to be a buddy to him and that's why he acted up before was to get his attention. Randy and I had a lovely lovely time together and he stayed till midnight, he even said maybe I should sleep over... I wanted him to but I didn't want him getting in trouble at home and he had gotten quite a few calls..so I said you probably better not... But we did get to do a bunch more talking about house buying and future plans and retirement living. I also told him I don't know if I would be happy living with just a man in the future that I kinda like the having lots of roommates around thing and he said so did he. When he mentioned fearing "the wife" not paying the electric bill if she gets mad I said good turn it off then and come live with me, I'll only charge ya what the other roommates pay and that's not too much he agreed, then you can rent your house out and make money. Not a bad idea he said..... 

Wednesday was a work from home day. I sent Randy an e-mail telling him that he is welcome to come for lunch or any day that I am home working, I remembered Mary telling me to make him feel welcome and he will come more and more. Jeremy came back from waiting on the corner for work and wanted me to take him to the dollar store (for some reason people still don't get what working from home actually means sheeseee) so anyway I texted Randy and he was available and came over and took him. This made all three of us happy. He told me that he will take Jeremy biking too and that is also a wonderful idea, they both have so much in common and they both need a pal too. He was going on and on about how dirty his house is and how clean mine is and how his makes him sick. I said well I got an idea next time she goes away come sleep over here with me, he liked that idea and said she's going away for a couple days this week I will come then. I must admit this is something I need to see about, his sleeping issues and not wanting to share a room with me was the number one reason I left him, he says that's all changed now........

I called Mary while I was waiting for the Yoga thing in the evening and told her all about the things going on with Randy and what we have been talking about. She said she was proud of me to see I had grown and wasn't always ready to run away and throw in the towel now and talked things out. I told her that I realize I am moody and need to quit making decisions when I am depressed or down or not my full self.  She said he sobbed so much when you left him.. I told her what he said to me on Sunday that I was his best friend and he loved being with me and it wasn't about the sex, he said it was ME who always wanted that not just him that he would come go to eat with me and go for rides and watch movies and just be with me and we could go weeks, months how ever long it took to prove to me that wasn't what this was about. I told her that's the thing that impressed me enough to give this a real shot because I know he means it. Yes he sure does she said and what a compliment that is. Now just remember though you are marrying a man/child then she said wow did you hear what I just said? I want to be maid of honor she said! If we get married I told her I promise you will be. I pretty much had given up on that one if I want Randy as he's so afraid of losing his money, I don't want his money though or any one's and would do a pre-nup... Oh well I am getting ahead of myself, right now we need to just keep tip toeing forward to see if we can make it through this......

Thursday at the office and I was thinking all morning about Randy coming over to sleep over that night and I was so happy. I had taken steaks out of the freezer for dinner so I'd have a plate for him when he got back from work. So I decided to text him and say how happy I was and that I would have dinner waiting for him. His reply to my text was: I am not sure......Why not I replied starting to bristle.....he didn't answer me. My gut told me SHE was playing the control game with him and making him think she might be home....I waited an hour for him to answer and then I sent: fine stay with her, you are going to miss me when I find my own boyfriend....and proceeded to post an ad on craigslist. Then I decided maybe I should go out so I signed up for a meetup and texted him never mind I made other plans. And I did go out to the outdoor concert in Red Bank, I never found the group but I did have fun anyway it was such a pleasant evening, and I made sure to not come home till 10pm since Randy usually comes at 9:30. When I got home I checked my phone and he had texted at 9:30 asking why was I not home. Because you said maybe and you ignored all my texts......Oh was all he sent back. Yup this is going to be tough territory with him, and most women would throw in the towel, but instead I am trying to keep my peace of mind while still giving him a shot..... its a delicate balance but I can sure try..... he's worth my patience, he certainly has been taking me back even thought I kept dumping him. Sometimes that's what love is all about.....

Friday was a work from home day and a lovely day at that. I got a good bit done and I texted Randy to see if he wanted to come tonight. Yes he said and I said good. A bit later though he texted can he come at lunchtime and I said not for pokey only for lunch....Oh he said.....can you still come tonight? Yeah he replied......but as the day wore on I got a message from a gal pal wanting to go out to hang at the local biker bar, we have a mutual friend whom we are trying to help her find a guy. I said no at first but then I decided to text Randy and ask him if it was OK for us to skip tonight so I can hang out with my gal pals. I left out the flirt with bikers part, I would tell him if he asked but as things are I owe him nothing. I love him I want him but he is not mine now, not yet anyway, and there are no guarantees in life either. But I am making peace in my heart over things as they are now, I am greatful to have him at all and I trust the universe to work this out OR bring me someone else and I must trust in the timing of God.

Today I want you to look at things in your life that perhaps are causing you some stress and worry and see if you can't give that up to God and the universe to handle for you? And remember, no matter how much you love someone be sure to always love YOU first, not in a selfish way but in a take care of yourself way. When you are good to you then you are better able to be good to others.....

With Love and in the Light, Cassie

"There are only two types of people: one, who escape from their loneliness the majority, the ninety-nine point nine percent, who escape from themselves; and the remaining point one percent is the meditator, who says, "If loneliness is a truth, then it is a truth; then there is no point in running away from it. It is better to go into it, encounter it, see it face to face, what it is. "Meditation means going into your loneliness wholeheartedly, to discover it, to investigate into it, to inquire into it. That´s what meditation is all about Osho