8-5-11 Be A Giver

8-5-11 Be A Giver

This week has been lessons in giving and receiving....

Monday on my way home from work I picked up some cute little oil lamps from a freecycler, she had added some bonus votive holders but I decided to put those in the donation bag for the veterans, I had wanted to give to them and had so few things so this was great as they said they especially needed knick-knacks. It was very near where Vic and I used to hang out at Starbucks and the thought crossed my mind to go there but then I thought nah, what's the point, if he wanted to repair our friendship he'd return my stuff.  I was glad that I wouldn't be passing Randy on 35.....or so I thought.... When I got down towards home I felt kinda sad and was missing the wave we usually shared so when I got off  and headed home I ended up driving past his house, it was empty no cars, nobody home, his old beat up motorcycle and his old truck sitting there. I went home and Shawn made dinner and he Jeremy and I were sitting there and Jeremy says guess who drove by here today.....Randy? I asked, Yep he drove by real slow about 1pm. What a dummy head I sighed, see he cares why the heck can't he just TALK to me and learn to compromise and work things out with me instead of always making stupid 12 yr old boy moves that leave me feeling alone and hurt? Oh well I give it to God I thought, and then recalled that it was just after that time I was at work and had sent him a picture of the motorcycle I got to ride on yesterday and told him that I didn't like the guy, he knows how I can't stand smokers now that I have quit....

I was really tired and went to my room early to watch Netfllix, am watching Tudors and so loving the brave, dashing men on the show wishing my devoted knight would come to me.... I got a text.....it was from Randy... Hi. Ugh I thought but decided to reply Hi.........that was it. I was restless though a bit later and decided to go out and fold the clothes and unload the dishwasher, I was doing that and someone pulled in my driveway about 9:30....it was Randy. I went out and asked him what was he doing here (my phone was in my bedroom and I hadn't seen his I will he driving by your house in 4 min text) I am stalking you he said grinning sheepishly so I went out to talk to him.. He said I am all alone, shes gone kids gone and the bar's closed! He said they had a sign up that they lost their license but will be open next week. Bummer I said but hey maybe losing it for a short bit will make you appreciate it more when you get it back.... Then he wanted to talk to me about his thoughts on his career and buying income property. I cautioned him again about the VT house and he said she had yet to send him the financials. I said well demand them its been three weeks, I don't want to make her mad and lose the house to someone else he said. Are you kidding me? She is the agent you are the customer she should have had this to you, do you want me to call and pretend I am an investor and get that info? Yeah that would be good he said. I then said he should looked at those two families here in NJ, I stopped sending them to you as you never replied to me. Well I can't he said, oh I forgot SHE might see you writing to me, no no that's not it he said I don't know what to say. THANK YOU would be a good thing I said, losing my patience with him, and walking in the house. After he left I did shoot off an e-mail to my realtor Mike asking him to call Randy, I CCed him and he said thank you. Before bed I sent him one last text, saying you know it hurts me that you only find time to come see me when the wife's gone the kids gone and the bar is closed. I got no reply.....

Driving to work I had him on my mind and I know that who he is both endears me to him and drives me nuts at other times. I realize that my getting upset with him is me not accepting him for the person that he is. He isn't acting any different that who I have known him to be. I really am so tired of this, so tired of this and only I can stop it. Mary called me the next day to hear all about my date and the Randy stuff, she said sheeessssee Cassie, you know sometimes the universe will move heaven and earth to bring two people together, but free will in the end always prevails and Randy just wants to stay Randy, staying immature and selfish and not thinking about how you feel. She said she was sorry that the date didn't work out but to keep looking and keep dating and enjoying myself. She said if Randy wants to see me I should do exactly what he does to me and say maybe, let me see if my girlfriends or my son or my cousin or my work friend wants to do anything with me and if not then sure I will hang out with you. I told her right now in this moment I do not want to see him, his behavior is a real turn off to me, she said she can see why. I know one thing, when I get to the end of all this I will have learned a great deal on living in the moment, tolerance, un-conditional love etc...... But then again just because you love someone doesn't mean you should spend your life with them.........on the other hand there was a lesson sent to me:

if you become ruffled with every comment that

you consider a 'slight,' you will never find peace.

Nor will you find it by always separating yourself from

those who ruffle you. You can only end so many

friendships before you find yourself very much alone.

You can keep making new friends, of course, but

sooner or later they will ruffle you -- and then what?

Perhaps the better course might be to let the ruffle

go. People rarely mean it when they do that, and a

touch of gentle tolerance and easy forgiveness every

day is even better than an apple...

I'd have to eat a lot of apples to put up with Randy......... LOL Yet no matter what he's the one my heart keeps going back to.....

Tuesday at work I contacted the realtor in Vermont about the finacials on the house and he sent me everything I asked for. I sent it all to Randy and gave the place a thumbs down. I texted him to tell him to check his e-mail. He replied Ok Thanks. My heart softened to him some and my anger faded, I said Dear God why do I love this man so? Because I want you to love him, will you do this for me was what I heard in my head. And I shrugged my shoulders and said Ok Lord, whatever you ask. There really isn't anything more to it than that. Again I was getting myself caught up in me wanting to be loved, and being hurt when he wasn't loving me back in the manner in which I want to be loved... He has always loved me, in the Randy sort of way, which at times is quite nice but not always the way that I yearn to be loved..... If I learned to quit being hurt for what I am NOT getting and instead be greatful for what I am getting I would be just fine. God knows the desires of my heart, and God and no one else will bring them to me. Counting on any human being is only setting myself up to fail. Now that being said it doesnt mean that I can't continue to desire certain things in someone whom I woud choose to be a mate, relationships are all about agreements between two people, contracts so to speak and just as I would not buy a house that has only two walls I also would not bind myslef to a man who doesn't want to be my best friend and spend days off with me. Really truly so very simple when you take the big emotions and pain out of it. It really has nothing to do with me either, what or who he loves is a fruit of who HE is not who I am.

Wednesday was a work from home day, and in between complaints coming in I threw a few more things in the donation bag for the Veterans fund. I felt compelled to toss in a bag of spiritstones. That's what seems to be coming to me more, to GIVE and to let God take care of the recieving for me. My new friend and neigbor took me out to dinner and we had a good time, I found out she is spiritual and has some "powers" of her own which is always cool to discover. I also told her Jeremy would help her with some construction projects, that he really does love to help others, and he has learned that when he works for free God brings him paying jobs in other ways. All in all a good evening and I was happy to have made a friend a few blocks away. I was feeling pretty darn good till I went to bed and watched a romatic movie....I ended up crying and feeling sad and that I think is the first time I cried in this new house. I didn't like it at all and I prayed to God to bring me a man to love me and be with me and be a companion to me. Randy just doesnt want to spend as much time with his mate as I am looking for...

Thursday was my first day of vacation, and it was raining when I woke up....so I did some chores around the house but made plans to go to the beach the next day with a friend. I went to the Goodwill store and saw a chair and felt like I should buy it, was a wheeled desk chair on clearance for only $4 but I passed... Then I came home and watched TV and napped. Got up took Jeremy somewhere then napped some more till dinner. I am worrying about how much I nap and don't get out, I do have this sinus stuff going on but so tired of using nasal sprays constantly. Then my neighbor came over and had dinner with us and I gave her a Reiki treatment for her shoulder pain. I came up with a neat guided meditation for her and when we were done she told me this is the first time she felt zero pain in a very long time. I am still amazed that this actually does anything for anyone as I don't feel anything but everyone seems to have great results. I think I am going to start advertising free Reiki or by donation only. I need to share this gift and let god take care of my finances. Afterwards we sat down at my readings table and my son had taken my wheeled desk chair for his room, now I know why spirit told me to get that one........so we went back and it was still there. God had supplied a need even before I had known that I needed it!

Today I want you to see what it is that you have to give, what gifts you have that you can share with others, what things you may have that you can pass along, what good deed you can do for another. And most importantly who and where you can love, just love and not be concerned with what comes back to you.........

With Love and in the Light, Cassie