8-8-11 Stop The Words

 

Stop the words now.
Open the window in the center of your chest,
and let the spirits fly in and out.
Rumi

8-8-11  Stop The Words

Friday I had the day off and my friend Cecilia came down and we went to the beach. Jeremy came too and I was glad that he got out and did something, I wished he had some friends his own age though to go to the beach with, but then again I recall myself when young, it took me time to get out and make friends sometimes. Cecilia told me all about the new guy she's been dating and I was very happy for her. Listening to her tell me about him though made me think about how much Randy isn't many of the things that I want in a man, mainly that he doesn't want to spend that much time with me, Cecilias complaint was her guy wants to spend too much time with her! We both agreeded that its all about balance and how very difficult that is to find. I came home and laid down to relax and Eat Pray Love was on, the part when Liz was visiting India and the guy was telling her that to really meditate she had to get everything out of her head. I realized that Randy is too much in my head and he is distracting my inner peace and I need to let go of him in order to get that back. I really can see why priests and nuns and monks do not have mates......

In the evening I took Jeremy and we went to Keansburg, they have a little amusement area there with rides and games and such. Since this is my vacation, and its a staycation this year I want to do a few fun things with him. When he was a kid I always took him and his brother to the Seaside Heights boardwalk to play games and have fun, so this was the closest I could get this year. We did all the things we would have done there, walked around, got something to eat, played in the arcades, tried some crane games. I got my palms and cards read......turns out it was the same woman I saw here in Cliffwood Beach. She told me she could see that I work with stones and when I told her she said that was a very good thing for me, that I have a lot of power and its good that I share it. She told me she sensed I was unhappy in love, that I can't make up my mind about Randy and I said yep, I keep going back to him but he keeps hurting me just by being who he is. She said he is my soul mate and that is why I keep going back to him, why there is such a pull to him but she said he is not THE soulmate the one who I belong with that we will be so happy.  She said she sensed another woman and she said that I had the power to make this woman leave so he and I could be together if that's what I wanted. Course I was only half listening to her because she kept going on about how I need to pay her to remove my blocks to love and she had told me before that I belonged with Randy and could have him fully by fall. Truly I suppose it really is up to me. Before I left she said did I want to know anything else and I said yes, will my house sell. She said a firm yes, in a few months it will sell she said. I came home, watched another movie about a happy loving family and went to be sad and alone....again....

Saturday morning I got up and went for a ride on my bike around the neighborhood and down towards the beach. I had an urge to ride over to the other park but then was reminded of the time I ran into HER over there and thought better of it. Turns out that was a good choice because as I was walking down on the point where the creek meets the bay I saw someone that I think was her up over there on the boardwalk walking a dog. I thought to myself that she must like living down here near the water if she keeps walking down here.....she looked sad and alone, wasn't yapping on a phone like last time, seemed like she looked over and saw me and looked sad and I realized she had just spent the night sleeping in the same bed as Randy and there she was looking sad and alone. I thought of how much she argues with him and suspects him sneaking around on her and threatening to leave him and I sent out a mental message to her....you can have him, don't worry I am not going to try to take away your home and security, you can have him. I felt a little better at that and as I got on my bike and turned to go home I vowed to stay on "my" side of whale creek from now on......

In the afternoon I went up to check out the Pagan Picnic that my friend Cher always invites me to, she drug me around by the hand telling everyone that she will make me a pagan yet! LOL I do think it may be time for me to explore the wiccan ways a bit more now..... that and I think she and I may be able to work together to bring even more people together...time will tell. While there I got a reading from a guy, I told you all I am a reading addict didn't I? I got 5 questions..He said that my house is not going to sell, a firm yes that Randy is the one, does he love me and he said that I need to be paitent and wait for that to take its course in time, and that I would always be ok finacially. He said I was a very lucky person, having plenty of friends and always money when I need it. He's right but I still am feeling down...and run down. I got a text from Randy and we texted back and forth for the afternoon....what cha doing he asked....am at the pagan picnic I said....are the hells angels  there too he asked LOL?....I then texted that I saw the wife this morning walking the dog by the beach.....tennant not wife he replied......I saw her and I thought to myself she just came from your bed.......Oh u so funny he replied......Not trying to be funny, been sad all week I said.....why you so sad he asked?.....because God has still not brought me my mate......But I'm here for you......no you aren't I replied......all you got to do is call he sent back......LOL now you are funny I replied, I am home now going to take a nap.....That's just what I did too, I am so weary......I think depression's got a hold of me....I need to get my peace back..... I think he may have wanted to see me but right now it just makes me too sad...

Sunday morning I woke up  and shot off an e-mail to Randy to get this stuff off my mind and to enjoy the rest of my day worry free. I told him how he had a lot of nerve telling me he was there for me and shot off a list of transgressions, winding it off with how selfish he is before tossing it off. Good, done on with today. I opened my facebook though and there was an Osho link: is-it-time-to-break-up and recognized that I am in a dark time. Oh well I didn't tell him I was done with him I just pointed out some valid things, he is selfish and he does need to grow up and he doesn't communicate. I did some cleaning and some shopping and felt much better, it was still too early to go to my event so I decided to rest from the heat and humidity. Since I felt better I texted Randy and we went back and forth and resolved some of our issues.. I told him I felt last on his list and he said from now on me first. Ok I said, gonna take a nap now.....we gonna chill later he texted? Maybe I said......

I got up from my nap and decided that I did not want to go to the event I had signed up for, this is the definite pattern with me these days. I saw this photo on facebook that my old roomates daughter had posted. I needed a reminder that life was too short to waste being mad..Shawn said he was going to go get clams and shrimp to cook for dinner, and my back as acheing. So I texted Randy and asked if he was up to coming over to give me a back rub.....sure he replied.....ok what time can you be here? Its nice I imagine you want to go for a ride first.....7pm he sent back......Shawns cooking I sent back......awesome. He came at 6:45 and gave me my back rub, that really put me in a much better mood,  we messed around till the smell of the food was too good so I went out and got us a big plate of clams and made a picnic in bed, once we devowered that I went back out for the shrimp and rice. He started to talk about how filthy his house is with her dog and 6 cats and her not cleaning. He said he was sick all the time... I cut him  short and said I dont want to talk about them, when you are with me its only us. He started to start singing the song Just the Two of us but he got the point. Then we decided to play some more... once that was done he asked if I wanted to go for a ride and I said sure....we took my car not his motorcycle. LOL He drove me around and showed me all the homes Mike had taken him to and we discussed things and plans on what he could do. He said she refuses to talk about it saying she probably isnt going to be in his future why help plan it. Good I thought let her profess herself right out of there with her own words I thought. We came home to my house and talked out all of our issues and problems but when he told me I am his girlfriend I said no not like this I am not and made it clear I was still looking. He said if she leaves he will be here all the time and only go home to feed the cats..... I didn't say anything, didn't shoot it down didn't say do it..this has to happen on its own....

Monday morning I woke up to this in my mailbox: you need to make a commitment, and once you make it, then life will give you some answers. Humm we shall see , I did make a vow to quit posting CL ads, she just keeps looking at them and taunting him with them anyway. I am going to calm my mind and my heart again and let spirit come in to guide me, I have been thinking too much , running around seeking too many answers...once I decide what I truly want I guess life will give me some answers won't it?

Today I want you to calm your minds, stop the words, relax and let spirt come in and show you what's the next step on this path.....

With Love and in the Light, Cassie