8-1-11 First Harvest
Friday I was supposed to go to this big meetup just a bit further down the shore from me but in the afternoon I started getting really bad sinus pain and pressure and ear aches and dizziness. I decided to take a little nap after work and see if I did not feel better later and could go. When I woke up it was raining quite a bit and my head did not feel any better so I stayed home. I am starting to feel really bad about not getting out more to socialize but its useless to go when I don't feel like it. Anyway while I was napping I had a very distinctive dream, I was in a big new house and had a big new bed (these represent my life) and I wanted to nap and my buddy Mike was visiting me and wanted to nap with me, but he wanted to spoon and cuddle me, I felt odd but I let him and it made me feel better. In the dream I had a black cat with very blue eyes and it came to watch us and it didn't like him, it kept "talking to me" and I translated to him what the cat said and he was like why do you listen to the cat this is nice (he says nice in a sarcastic way). And then in my dream my Mom came and said what a nice boy he is what's wrong with him and I said Mom last week you liked the other guy. She just told me she wished I'd pick one already, let someone love me... I looked up what Cat means and it says it represents an independet spirit, female sexuality and a black cat represents fear in using my intuition and psycic power, and an aggressive cat means I am having problems with the female aspect of myself...
Humm food for thought...... especially since the quote that stuck in my head from the many I saw this day was this: , "Let yourself be loved. . . LET yourself be loved. . . ." Elizabeth of the Trinity. Oddly enough on the facebook page of Oriah.Mountain.Dreamer the very one who TWO of her poems had been the ones I put on my attract your soul mate poster I made 4 yrs ago, the one that I made just before I met Randy.....
But it was friday and he hadn't been to my bed since last saturday, nor spent time with me since sunday, nor seen me in person since tuesday and it had been 24 hrs since he texted me.... I had been thinking about this for the past 24 hrs and I was seriously thinking of blowing him off on sunday. Poor little Cassie I never seem to feel loved.... and if you try to tell me you love me I will put up hoop after hoop after hoop for you to jump through. So weather Randy is the one or not I still have things I can learn here....why would I blow off what will probably be a perfectly good and somewhat romantic sunday evening just because he didn't come see me during the week? I had been talking to Mary on thursday about one of the women who came to yoga and basically what we came to was that there are so so so very many out there who are NOT in relationships because we are so afraid, our pain bodies hurt so much, we have such a huge list of what we absolutely must have and won't compromise on that we never meet anyone who foots the bill! Relationships are after all about two people taking who I am and who you are and finding a middle ground where the two can live in harmony....... There was no reason to be upset with Randy for not wanting to come see me, when I saw him last I flippantly tossed "see you sunday" at him and when he said oh I said yes and walked away. This still for me is not about finding love, its about finding all the barriers that I put up to keep it away from me.......
Saturday morning I woke up and puttered around trying to decide what to do with my day, part of me wanted to go to The Hook as I hadn't used my beach pass enough, part of me wanted to go to the Soulsational Fest but I feared the heat, most of me was feeling sad about Randy not coming to see me at all this week. I decided to clean a bit and think and wait for my son to wake-up, perhaps he would go with me to the Festival. I read an article in GuidePosts about saying thank you for what I have so I did some of those and then I got a text from Randy saying I am off tomorrow! I said oh good do you want to go to the hook early then, like 9am? Either that or to a motorcycle rally he said. That took me off guard, and I was annoyed but I just said Ok well let me know if you want to hang with me or not...sure will he replied. I sat there and wanted to with everything I had get angry and say you know what never mind, if you have to weigh your options with me and a motorcycle thing forget it. But I knew that this is who he is and its so rare for him to be off and he LOVES to ride and he so wants to make a friend to ride with, it would be selfish of me to deny him that. However......I must also think of myself too, so I decided to enjoy my day and mentally gave him till 6pm to contact me and let me know if he was hanging with me or not the next day. Otherwise I was going to make myself some other plans.... Yes we must love and accept others how they are but never at the price of our own happiness and we women especially tend to build our lives around men and then when they want to do something on thier own we get our feelings hurt, not good not good at all. I even prayed for someone else to spend my day with if I wasn't going to be with him....
Driving down to the festival I got a call from the guy from Staten Island from Biker or Not, he wanted to know if I wanted him to come meet me and take me for a ride on his Harley softail so I said sure and we made plans for the next day.... When I arrived at the festival I texted Randy: Ok I found something else to do tommorow, enjoy your day off, maybe we can do the picnic we planned next week. His reply was see U tonight (he knew he was on shaky ground with me) since the music was loud I didn't here the message so after an hour he sent another: what you doing tonight? Now the reader I saw at the festival said I needed to communicate and I needed to take back my power in all aspects of my life, she also didn't see any romance right now and she said my dream was very telling, that I need to take down my barriers to love so I was unsure about what I was doing but I replied to him: Sorry I am in Bayville, you didn't say you wanted to hang with me tonight. Now I knew perfectly well I would be home later and available but honestly I had lost interest in being with him now, I cant get frisky when I am ticked and hurt and I felt I had a justifiable right to be. For good measure I put in an emergency call to Mary....
Oh crap was his reply to that, so I said I been planning all week for tommorow and horny all week waiting for you to come over but we dont seem to want the same things at the same times....OK we go tommorow he sent back....No that dude called me and asked me out since you said maybe you were blowing me off for that rally I said yes to him.....OK see u soon he replied........Yup was all i had left in me. I came home and rested and Mary called and she said well Cassie this is just Randys typical childlike selfish behavior, he wanted to see you till a better offer came along but he wanted to keep you on hold just in case that fell through, you were exactly right how you reacted. Good I said I didn't want to think that me refusing to see him tonight was me being stubborn, no she said you are teaching him to make you a priority and stick to his commitment to you he has never learned this yet in his life. So I felt good that I was handling this correctly. Later in the night though about 8 ish I got a text from him: Are you cheating on me?..........I had so many things I wanted to say at that point but too much for a text and he wasn't calling so I just sent back: That question makes no sense..... I sat down and wrote him an e-mail explaining w/o yelling how I felt about what took place that day and that we had no commitment so I can do whatever I want with my time he is not with me but I would see him IF he had time for me and I did not have other plans......He logged online but he did not answer my mail.....probably went and got a bottle and is now feeling sorry for himself. He wonders why he is always alone and has no friends but he does not see that its because he is so slefish in this regard. I thought back on how my friend Mike had called me this morning and how we both had said that we want relationships that we spend lots of time together, have common interests, etc. I dont want to be attached at the hip 24/7 but if my guy gets an unexpected day off I want him to want to spend it with me, even if we do some compromising on how we spend it..... Randy he just wants to play with the boys and sneak time in with the girlfriend around the times he cant be with the guys playing....... He still hasnt changed, loving him is too lonely of a place for me....... he isnt making me his first love....... Even his bike its not safe for me, I would ride with him if he got a safe bike, love would want to protect his woman and not take her out on a bike that 40 yrs old and falling apart....
Sunday I wake up and see Randy totally ignored my e-mail of explaining how I felt about his behavior but he replied OK to my forward of a couple who had wanted to meet at Gunnison, I sent thier number to him and said you call. I was doing my e-mail and got a text from him....so we going he said......No I was not lying when I told you that I made a date with that other guy when you told me maybe you were blowing me off for that motorcycle rally.....and for good measure I added besides you didn't come over for pokey all week.....his reply: oh ok well maybe I will see you later today......I said no, you hurt me very much and I don't want to see you for a few days. I meant it to, perhaps I would be a better person if I could forgive and forget that fast but I am not, besides if there are no consequences how will he wish to change? Oh ok was all he had to reply...and mind you all text messages no phone call. I decided to add one last thing: Its a shame you never learned to think about how you make other people feel, this is why nobody good ever stays with you. That shut him up.......for awhile.....
I went out and I rode my bike down to the bay to collect shells and rode back, I went down a few more streets and rode a bit farther than other trips which pleased me. I did some weed pulling in the yard and came in to get ready for my date. He called about 1pm and asked if we could push our 2pm time back to 3 as he had tennats to deal with. I said sure and headed out for a quickie shopping trip, the heat was brutal though and by the time I got home at 2:30 I was exhausted. I texted and asked him if we could move the date to 6pm as it was hot and I wanted a nap and he said sure. I got comfortable and soon as I laid down my phone went drrrooooiiiidddd. I was Randy. How is your date? I ignored it and drifted off.... 1 and half hours later drrrooooiiiiddd. Randy again, Hi he said. OMG what a dummy ok fine I thought so I said Postponed the date am going at 6pm how was your motorcycle thing? I stayed home he replied. So ya hurt my feelings and wasted a day off for nothing eh? Yeah.... Well at least he sees that so I sent back well next time you should remember the level of reliability before you think of maybe blowing me off. All he had to say to that was so where have ya been..to which I replied: I gotta go now Dave's on his way..........OK he said
The biker guy was very nice, his bike was awesome and we rode it all around Keyport and over to Cliffwood Beach and up past the 7-11 then we got on 35 and rode it all the way to Freehold and back. I am getting really good at riding for a long time, who knows maybe someday I can have my dream of seeing the USA this way. I wish I had liked Dave more but there just wasn't a spark, at the end of the night he went to hug and kiss me and I just wasn't into it. I can't help it if I don't feel anything can I? It's a shame too he really wants a committed relationship, he makes good money, he's got faith....but he smokes heavily and I quit several years ago, plus just no chemistry...When he hugged me and went to kiss me I just dogged the kiss. I so wanted to tell him I'd love to be friends and would ride anytime but I know most guys don't like the F word (friend) So after watching the sunset over Keyport bay I told him have a safe ride home and I came home..... But hey now I have ridden a Fat Boy and a Soft Tail I wonder what else I can ride???
Monday I headed to the office for work and Randy was heavily on my mind. Its such a shame that he keeps choosing motorcycles and snowmobiles and playing as his first love , I know its because in his life it's all he's been able to count on but still I know he's not content yet can't figure out why.... I shall sow a few seeds of prayer for him and go about my life...there is much to do and I can't focus everything on one thing....
Today is the celebration of Lammas, the first harvest of the summer season a good time to reflect on if the seeds you have planted are bringing you enough to sustain you over the winter or not.......If not perhaps you need to plant a few extra rows or try a new crop..........
With Love and in the Light, Cassie
Monday I headed to the office for work and Randy was heavily on my mind. Its such a shame that he keeps choosing motorcycles and snowmobiles and playing as his first love , I know its because in his life it's all he's been able to count on but still I know he's not content yet can't figure out why.... I shall sow a few seeds of prayer for him and go about my life...there is much to do and I can't focus everything on one thing....
Today is the celebration of Lammas, the first harvest of the summer season a good time to reflect on if the seeds you have planted are bringing you enough to sustain you over the winter or not.......If not perhaps you need to plant a few extra rows or try a new crop..........
With Love and in the Light, Cassie
Happy lammas
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