7-29-11 Attracting What You Want

7-29-11 Attracting What You Want

This week I have been working on learning better how to attract what I want...

Monday I had a dentist appointment for myself and Jeremy and after, since it was threatening rain, and because I don't get that many weekdays off we decided to head to the Mall. He was hungry though so I pulled in a KFC for him, when he came back out with his food he said to me that he really should use his "mind power" more often. How so I asked him?  He said I ordered the three piece meal then I wished I had ordered the 4 because I am hungry and they gave me 4 pieces. I said see this is what I keep telling you about The Law of Attraction! If you honed this skill you could have anything I told him, and I put The Secret CD on in the car and he listed for about 10 whole minutes before he went back to his gangsta station. >All I care 'bout is money and the city that I'm from I'ma sip until I feel it, I'mma smoke it 'til it's done And I don't really give a fuck, and my excuse is that I'm young yeah, fuck it, I’m on one Yeah, I said I’m on one, fuck it, I’m on one<   Huuummmm now I wonder why he wants to drink and smoke so much? What you constantly tell yourself is what you bring to yourself.... That evening I was feeling lonely so I texted Randy.... my body misses your hands......wait for me he sent back.... Later that night one of the guys from Biker or Not called me, but it was late and I didn't pick up. I didn't even think it considerate for a first time call to be that late at night and made a mental note to ask a guy friend about it. All these men are just a bunch of jerks I said to myself as I went to sleep.....a mantra I have said to myself ever since my divorce...... Huummmm now I wonder why I keep attracting jerks???

Tuesday back to the office, am working closely with the new manager to teach her the complaints department (me and me alone) and point out the flaws in the system and hopefully she can get them worked out, some of course will apply to me but I don't at all mind, I am always willing to improve.....IF it truly is improvement and not just different for no good reason, an interesting phenomenon I have found in the corporate world. LOL  In the evening coming home I passed Randy but he didn't see me, but he did text me to say he had some Fish Mox for me...I said great thanks bring it as soon as you can get away.... I got home did some errands and Jeremy and I went to taco bell and then I got a text from Randy saying he can bring them now... I got all happy and I made myself look pretty for him.....he called soon as he got off work and talked to me the whole way down and said I am pulling in your driveway.....so I walked out to meet him but he didn't turn the truck off.....he wanted to talk a lot though and he refused payment for the meds which made me very happy, you've given me so much he said..... Then he mentioned how "the wife" hasn't been coming home, always an excuse and she don't talk to him when she is home. All I could think of is if she isn't home why is he not coming over? My gut tells me he's still afraid and unsure of me, of us, and Mary says so too but my old hurt and rejection wounds shout over that and say "see he doesn't really like you THAT much".....so my old coy start bringing up the guys who have been calling me routine kicks in. Of course I complain about why each one is wrong for me and he says "well you got me" to which i again reply no I don't got you, I am only borrowing you and then you go home and get in bed with another woman, he started his she ignores me and seldom comes home stories and I put up a hand and say I don't want to hear it. We talked some more and I reached in to see if I could arouse him , which I could not so I asked him if he had broken down and took care of things and he confessed that he had, I frowned and said that wasn't good and he said he was going to take a nap and needed to relax, course my head was screaming that maybe he was lying and had done it with her. He got a text and he said it was the younger kid wanting to go the beach the next day..I said kewl well you better get home to him, then I thanked him again for the meds, leaned in and gave him a kiss, said see you Sunday then and went in the house. Oh why do I put myself on this roller coaster? I called Mary and she said she was sensing he didn't know I wanted him to come in and to leave it be and relax and he'd figure it out in time...... I also prayed that night that if it be for the greater good , I want the younger kid to move out too now, perhaps the military that he is considering would be good for him..... It's really tricky to mess with things that involve other people so be sure to always say, the greater good be done, or thy will be done....you should NEVER presume to know better than God/the Universe......don't be too attached to outcomes, if you don't get what you want or when you want there's always a good reason why not...

Wednesday was a work from home day and I was so glad. If I had to get up at 5am EVERY day I wouldn't make it. One of the things I am requesting to the Universe is to up my 2 days a week from home to 3. I really only NEED to be there two days, sometimes not even then..... not like I am asking for anything unreasonable. I saw Randy logging on and off the puter, he had sent me a video and something else to which I didn't have much to say. Finally I decided to just ASK him so I sent one saying IF she is gone so much why do you still take care of yourself instead of come over and then tell me I should wait for you? I said not mad just trying to understand and communicate. When he replied all he said was ...are you at work...to which I replied yes because even if I am at home I am at work and everyone knows to respect that time. My conversations with God message of the day came and it was about choosing your battles so I let this go... Later in the day I was getting ready for my yoga event and one of the CL guys called me. He seemed interesting enough till I mentioned my events and then he was asking about singles events and groups so I sent him links to a few and he joined them. Not a good way to show me he's interested in ME I thought, then again he has a young daughter and sole custody and I don't know that I want that in my life now...I am enjoying this space between parenthood and grandparent hood...I have said many times that I am enjoying my no kid time for right now so how can I truly attract a man with a young kid?

The yoga even in the evenin was nice but we had half the paying customers as last time and I had to give a friend $10 for gas so she could come so I earned all of $10 that night. I don't know what it is with me and earning money for my events and such. Others have big lavish things don't care about the people and make tons of money charging a lot at the door, me I befriend each and every soul that I can, and do things for bargain prices and still only break even on my expenses. Either the Universe does not want me to make money or I am doing something wrong...... I did give this some thought and one thing I do is worry about how many will come, what I need to do is just put it out there and forget about it, let those who should come come. I have noticed on times I don't think about it the numbers grow, and for my BBQs I only thought GOOD thoughts about the number of people who came... I am going to work on that and I posted another one for two weeks later....

I got some texts from Randy, he was all sad and feeling bad and calling himself a loser because he couldnt find anyone to go motorcycle riding with him. I tired to comfort him but this has been an ongoing thing with him. Each time we talk about it he's all negative and full of reasons why he can't and won't ever be able to find someone with his riding style (as fast as possible and cover as many miles as possible) When I was his girlfriend I started a motorcycle group for him and he was hinting again for me to do some advertising or an event for him but I told him I can't since SHE reads all my posts on CL and comments to him about it. He said he didn't care, but I still didn't want to do it, why should he get ALL the benifits of me w/o having any of the commitment to me? Besides he needs to learn how to get what he wants for himself by himself........but he must have been thinking really hard for me to help him because it wouldn't stay out of my mind, that night, driving to work on thursday etc till finally I broke down and made a group called motorcycle mavericks. Who knows maybe I will find another nice guy with a nice big harley to take me for a ride.....bet Randy won't like that but hey he hasn't found any time to spend with me this week yet.....

Friday was work from home day, I am getting more time to talk to the boss and the new girl is working on imporoving the processes there. I have had ideas for sometime now but being a level 1 and not a manager I don't get listend to as much as I would like. But I always find a way when I find it important.... I had some money problems on my mind and was trying to release those back to the universe when the following came in my mailbox:

Stop worrying about all that could occur tomorrow.

You are getting agitated about things that haven't

happened yet...and may never happen. 

Stay here, right here, in this moment. What is going on

right now...what is occurring right here...? That is all

that matters. That is where your life is being lived.

Good advice indeed.......Today I want you to practice attracting what you want by NOT WORRYING about it.....be it that relationship, money for those bills, healing for a friend who's ill, whatever it may be just ask and sit back in confidence so that it came come to you, just like a butterfly...you must be peaceful and still for it to come.......reaching and grasping only keeps you in bondage to the not haves.........

With Love and in the Light, Cassie

7-25-11 Come out of Hiding

“Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place.” ~ Zora Neale Hurston

7-25-11  Come out of Hiding

This weekend has been all about coming out of hiding, emerging, opening up from the places that pain leads us to....

Friday night Shawn took me out to dinner because he had promised me that he would when he got a job, I felt bad that he hadn't invited Jeremy so I said I would pay for him and he said well its a bar.....so Jeremy then said he didn't want to go. I guess Shawn wanted to talk about his girlfriend some so we did, she has gotten into a state of depression and left him and went back out west despite the fact that he offered to be there for her and help he through this. I told him that all you can do is offer but sometimes people want to go off on thier own and be alone to deal with thier depression in thier own way and that I know as I used to do that myself.  Talking of relationships got me thinking about Randy so I texted to see how he was doing in the heat, we texted some and then he called me, I talked for a bit , he seemed odd when I cut the call short but I didn't want to be rude. When I got off the phone Shawn said you know you sound like you are talking to a 14yr old....yeah I know I know but its part of the reason that I like him, why I picked him from all the other men I met since my divorce, I feel safest with him and he's fun, not old and boring, it's not like he isn't responsible he owns his home, his truck, his toys and holds down two jobs....and when he's not working his life is an adventure....just like I want mine to always be... When I got home I took Jeremy to the store with me and I told him I was sorry he hadn't gotten to go with us. He said he was used to it, being left behind when his friends went off with their dates. At the store he ended up buying a video game and thats how he spent his weekened, glued to the TV. Sometimes thats where people go to hide you know, in video games or the computer, or movies (my hiding place of choice),  when they feel alone.....or others its drugs and alcohol. All of these things are unhealthy and addictive in too large of doses... hiding for a day or two can be nurturing but longer than that and it become destructive to us.

Saturday morning I got an e-mail from Nancy, the lady that I am doing the Yoga on the Beach classes with. She was going on about how much has taken off in her life since she met me and how powerful and confident and strong I am, that she has met many people but never anyone like me! Wow such praise indeed! I know that its not me though, its the spirit of the stones I work with that comes from the creator, and besides I don't at all feel that way some days....but anyway she was heading out soon to work on her fitness DVD for the beginner yoga people and she was all nervous and said it's hard to get out of her comfort zone when she is such a small little speck in the whole grand plan......instantly the Nelson Mandella speach came to me and I looked it up and sent it to her:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

She replied that she had tears in her eyes... I hope that inspired her to get her work done, what she has created needs to get out there to the people! I pray that our Yoga class this wednesday is full of students! and then Anthony wrote me with an idea for photography with camera phones...

The angel card on saturday was Soul Mate, but since I had no plans with Randy, he was working, and we we were in the middle of a heat wave that had me sleeping a large portion of the afternoon I din't have much hope of that card having anything to do with us..... I was wrong... In the evening about 7:30 he texted me Hi....Hi how are you I said...HOT....I texted that I hoped it was cooler tommorow as we were supposed to be going to Gunnison....he then texted that he was free tonight too...he called and we talked and he said he was beat but it sure would be nice to be with me, in a clean house, eat some food and watch some TV but he didn't know if he felt like doing pokey did I want him to come over and I said sure! I had scheduled an event to go to the fireman's festival to hear the band and get some food and see the fireworks but since it was so hot I cancelled it, thusly I was free.. So he came over and we did just that but in the end we did end up doing pokey once we rested, ate and cooled down... and as we were the fireworks were going off in town and I recalled once again how he always had been my fireworks guy......

Sunday just did some chores an errands arround the house, it was still too hot to do much so I skipped church. I do my worshiping God outdoors mostly when I can anyway and I said some prayers later in the day as I drove into Sandy Hook to wait for Randy to get off work. It started to rain a little and I got worried but by the time he arrived it stopped. We lugged ourselves down across the long long beach of gunnison and I couldnt keep up with him and he was lightly nagging me, this got us into a long discussion about my sinus issues and stuff and he said I needed to be on the stuff he takes and he said he'd get me some. That made me feel nice that he wanted to take care of me a little. Once we got to the beach and took off our clothes and walked in the water a bit we noticed that less that half the others were disrobed so we both ended up putting our suits back on, then after sitting there talking for an hour or so the flies kept bitting us despite the bug spray and we decided to leave. This just isn't as much fun as last year here for some reason I said and he agreed, I think last year was more fun because it was the only time we got to be together totally nakked I said. LOL He laughed and said maybe... I did hash out all the options for my house with him and made a descion on what to do for now. No I wasn't going to re-finance and rent, no I wasnt going to just give it back to them now since they were not offering me anything, what I was going to do was wait a bit longer for a buyer.. And while we were there Anthony texted about next weeks event, I was smiling as I was replying and I could see Randy didnt like that and especailly when I told him that I can't meet him next week....what will I do he said? I don't know but as fun as this is I just can't give you all my time, I am not going to end up like your mom I said......I am not going to live alone and wait for you to find time to sneak away, he reminded me again that it was I who left him or it wouldnt be this way........

After the beach I told him we could go home to my house as Shawn was cooking steak and shrimp  but he wanted to go to our favorite place and get some clams so thats what we did. We talked about how much we loved The Hook even if that day had been less than perfect and I said well I do want to go to the beach on the other side, and I do want to make a night picnic sometime he said and we made plans to do those things before summers end.  He then told me that it's been two weeks since he drank and he thinks it's because he's been getting regular pokey and our touch and our fluid exchange has taken away his cravings. Oh really I said? Yeah and he confessed to me about how much he's been drinking since I left him, that he is always going out and spending lots of money and that at some times his "family" even thought he was an alcoholic. Course I didn't need him to tell me this, I already knew, he had confessed it a few times that he drank and Mary had told me she picked up on it too. It warmed my soul to think that I was helping him in this way, and I recalled the tarot reader telling me I was going to be seeing the re-birth of Randy... but I just said that's good to hear, I am a lightworker so that good energy I put in the stones also will go into you when you "plug-in" as he calls it. LOL Sitting on the stool was making me achey and I turned my neck to crack it and said I need to find a good chiropractor down here and he said I can help you and he rubbed my neck and shoulders till I felt better. Gee I miss back rub night don't you I asked him..........yeah I sure do he said.......again it made me feel good to see him trying to take care of me some, the Randy I fell in love with was coming back a tiny bit at at time  all because I decided to just love him the way things were even if they weren't everything I wanted right now. It really is up to God to give us our desires not any other man or woman....if we count on anyone else we are truly setting ourselves up for hurt and pain.

It grew late and I asked him if he was coming home with me and he said sorry but he had to go home "she" would be home soon and expect him there....I was sad but I didn't give him a hard time I just said well try to come over some night this week, even if its just for a quickie. I can do that he asked? You won't get mad? Nah you spend time with me otherwise so I don't feel used hahaha. In the parking lot as we said goodnight he was being all shy so I took his hand to shake it and he said oh don't do that and reached his arms out to hug me and as I stepped into his arms he gave me a quick kiss too. Come see me soon I said, I sure will he said  and we headed towards home, it was so kewl to turn off at the light before his and be home the same time as him instead of that long drive last year....

Monday I woke up and went for a bike ride and walk down to Cliffwood Beach, I was watching the little sand fleas popping in and out of the sand and hiding from me, wishing I had brought my video camera to take some footage of them and thought about all this and the poem my friends daughter had posted to facebook that morning:

And the truth is...
We hide so we can be found
We walk away to see who will follow
We cry to see who will wipe our tears away
...And we get our hearts broken to see who will come fix them.

Are you ready to stop walking away? Have you shed enough tears? Are you ready to come out of hiding and let your light and your love shine? Or perhaps there's someone that you can coax along with a little love?? Think about this today.......

With Love and in the Light, Cassie

Timothy Johnson A MOMENT IN TIME for what i wouldnt give, for the seashore and the beach, you and me playing in the sand, for a moment in time we would live, making love with the rhythm of the waves, youd have all i have to give, a moment in time with you, is all i ask of forever....THE OUTLAW POET

Take me by the hand to this never neverland. Let's lie in the sand, forever hand in hand. Make love to me, I feel your rhythm, let it last forever, you & I together....the outlaw princess

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZXvLsltu2A&feature=player_embedded

7-22-11 Growth and Change

"We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty." Angelou

7-22-11  Growth and Change

This week was about reflecting on growth and change....

Monday evening I went to pick up a shop vac from free-cycle on my way home from work, Jeremy and Shawn had said they wanted one to suck the water from the basement when it rains and within a week there one was. This of course took me longer to get home but I just popped in my The Secret Cd and listened to that. I am really getting into this and re-called something I had decided to pray for the week before and asked Mary to pray and agree with me and it happend! My parents used to always teach me to pray together with others that it made it stronger, I so wish I could have gotten them to see how much our faiths agree rather than disagree. But anyway the timing for me re-listening to this seems to be important.

Tuesday I put up another personal ad post, one for a guy to take me motorcycle riding and one for a relationship. Not because I really want to but because I feel I owe it to myself to keep looking at this juncture because Randy is making zero moves to get her out of his life and me in it. One guy's reply was particularly insensitive, but nothing I haven't heard before: Not my type I date very tall thin women.   Unless its just oral sex then I will let heavier women suck my cock.  I sent it to Randy and said see what jerks I have to deal with out there! I did this because he keeps asking me why was he able to find someone and I was not and where are all these guys I keep talking to. He replied back to me that he still likes me to which I replied: Yes and I am very glad that you do and am having fun with you but I still wish to find someone to LOVE me and marry me. In the evening I found out that the big desk I put out front for sale sold for $40, so that was only a $10 loss to put in the smaller desk... I took the money to go fill the propane tank for the grill and put gas in my car and noticed the psychic across the street from 7-11 was open, I had seen that one there ever since I started coming down to Randy's and wanted to go see her so tonight I decided to splurge and get the $10 special. She told me that I have had much sadness in my love life,  She said that she knows the guy I am seeing I think is my soul mate but there is still much pain there. She told me that I have caused this pain mostly myself due to the pain that I had from loves past I keep pushing this man away from me. She said in this relationship I caused my own pain but that this year I have done much in the way of growth and change. She said that my finances will improve in time and that I could possibly be engaged to this man by Christmas time. It was then she went into her pay me $250 speach and I can remove the blocks....I didn't need her to remove my blocks, I can do it myself and with help from my spiritual friends. I would have thought she knew better than to give me this make extra money speach when she had seen my aura when I came in and instantly knew that I too was a seer with powers of my own, then again she also saw that I still doupt my abilities... But anyway it really got me to thinking about myself, how much I HAD grown this year and I was reading back on my blog from a year ago and it was exactly this time that I had realized that I did still love Randy and I know that coming back to this with him was part of my healing path..

Wednesday was a work from home day. On sunday we had talked about possibly going down to Gunnison wed or thur, me taking a half day off so we could go, but by 2pm he had not contacted me about going and I saw him logging in and out of the computer all day when he popped up on my AIM messenger. I knew better than to IM him a hello in case "she" was around... Finally I wrote him an e-mail and said bummer we never got to go to the beach today but I can't go tommorow as I am in the office and it's just not feasable, stay cool out there tonight and let me know when you are available againg to come over. He replied shortly after, said sorry about today but he wasnt sleeping off and on all day but he felt better and said he could come tonight... I didn't even question it I just said OK! am taking the kid to see Harry Potter but I will be home before you get off work. He rode his motorcycle over and we had a nice time together even though we only had about an hour by the time he got there. I asked how he got away and he said that she was gone for a few days to see her grandmother and took the kid that still lives with them with her, he said that she does that often. I said well then why don't you come over more then when she is away? Because I thought you didn't want me he said, you kept getting mad at me and telling me to stay away. True true I said thoughtfully. So what's different now he asked? Well I decided to quit living in the past and hoping for the future and I learned to just enjoy the moment I am in I said. I only get mad at you when you are being or doing what I want, if I just take what you are for what I like in that I am ok. I am still looking for a guy to love me and to marry me, but in the meantime life's too short for me to not enjoy what I can with you.. Good he said good keep doing that.....and as he left he said and you know I can take you for a ride on my motorcyle anytime you want.......  (I think he saw my CL post looking for a guy to take me on a ride)

Thursday I got up and went to the office despite the fact that I had been up half the night throwing up, I think it was from mean Shawn left on the grill outside. He said he didn't get sick but I told him he was used to eating older food. hahaha I worked till 2pm and I just couldnt take it anymore so I wrote my boss and headed home. I started to doze off about three times driving home! I wished I had just worked from home again as there was no real need for me to go to the office, but I so do not want to risk losing my work from home privledges! It was over 103 degrees out too! Ugh! I got home and went right to my bed, Jeremy had been doing some work around the house and he went to the corner store to get me some ginger ale. I really have to start thanking him more for being such a good worker, the tales Randy tells me of the messes his kids make and how they destroy his house.... he really picked wrong when he chose them over me and my son, I know Jeremy had a bit of a an anger issue, and we fought a bit but we were going to therapy for that and its something that grows less and less as he matures... But anyway I think living with that family proabably brought about some much needed change in Randy too....IF he ever escapes them he will be a better mate than the one he was being back when I dated him.....

Friday thank God work fom home, but the blazing heat continues..... I sent a message to my meetups stating that if there was no break in the heat that I would be cancelling my event on saturday. A Fireman's fair on black top is no place to be in this weather....perhaps I will go to The Hook very early in the day.... I sent a message to Randy that he can come over tonight if he wants to , haven't heard from him but I will be find weather he comes or not....

Today I want you to take a look at what changes you have made in your life , especially those of you who have been reading all along and doing some of the steps to change along with the SpiritStone energy. Give yourself a little credit where credit is due......and leave me a comment or two and share with me the changes you see......

With Love and in the Light, Cassie

Timothy Johnson OUTLAW PRINCESS it doesnt matter what day it is, we can do jamaica with a kiss, or set on our back porch in the rain, wherever we are my feelings will be the same, and at night when the evening sun gos down, youll know where ill be found, ill sing ill dance ill give my love to you, sweet lady ill spend my life with you....THE OUTLAW POET

7-18-11 Building Sandcastles and Dreams

7-18-11  Building Sandcastles and Dreams

The weekend was all about building sandcastles and dreams....

Friday evening was our bonfire on the beach and it was amazingly lovely and pleasant. The weather was perfect, the wind was down and there were other people also enjoying the beach too. We all brought food to share, some brought a game and played it, we wished someone had a guitar and we said we would be sure to post that next time. I think the only downfall was the sand Rich got on my hot dog, kind grainy going down! lol The evening grew dark...the full moon rose, conversations were pleasant....we watched the Coney Island fireworks in the distance and made plans to come back every friday that we could..... And then the cops came, they told us that beach fires were not allowed and that everyone has to be off the beach by sunset. I was so dissapointed...and all I could think of was what Ray from True Path readings said about me doing events and that some may be out to get me or sabotage my plans - secretly. I never should have posted those lovely beach bonfire pictures to facebook from my phone and checked in on 4-square, maybe someone who doesn't like my success called.... Randy had said they don't care if we have fires and I have seen evidence of other fires many a morning.....I prayed for God to show me what to do on this, we had so enjoyed the evening it would be a shame if there could be no more....

Saturday morning I got up and headed down to Sandy Hook for my bike event, no one showed but me but I didn't mind, I was a bit nervous about having even scheduled a biking event anyway when the last time I timed myself I only rode 20  min tops! I have been riding around my home though.... So off I headed on the bike path and enjoyed the ride and thought about Randy and how we used to ride there when he was my boyfriend as I loaded my bike back into the car I was wishing really hard that we could both have a day off together and go to Gunnison beach and go biking and all that stuff together.... I headed off to Sears for an oil change and he texted and said Hey I am off tommorow want to go to Vermont! Well after much going back and forth and he finally called we decided a two day Vermont trip was not a good idea finacially but he would try and get away from home the next day so we could go to The Hook. I headed off then to a BBQ at a long lost friends house who now lives just 10 min away! She is the reason I got into doing event in the first place as she used to plan them back in the Yahoo group days, her handle was AllYourDreammsComeTruue.... so I went up to see her for a couple hours and we planned to get together agian soon.  I went home and when Randy got off work he came over and spent a few delicious hours with me, we did some talking about his future and his investment ideas and what would be the best thing, he wants to stay on evenings at UPS instead of go on days and I told him well IF you were my boyfriend I probably would like coming home from work and having some time to do things I need to do, its not till 9 that I wind down and get lonely and wish you were here anyway.... All in all a good evening......then he got a text that the kid got a part for the car and needed help, then when he didn't go home he got one that he needed to walk the dog....gotta go he said but confided before he left that "she" often doesn't come home on saturday nights..... I'll scope out things at home and text you later to let you know if we can go to the hook tommorw and gave me a big big hug. I am sorry but I love him, and no matter what I do to convince myself otherwise I just do. He annoys me in so many ways but the love never goes away, and like anything else you just can't get over, the only thing to do is get through it....God help me.....just before midnight he texted me....I can go!

Sunday morning I woke up and started getting ready, still worrying if he would still go..but just before 9am I got a text.. I'm up!....ok well get ready and get over here I sent back! I shot off a quick e-mail to Mike asking him to set me up for a search for cheap or distressed properties in the area, I know Randy thinks he can't afford anything down here but I know he's wrong and I think it would be better to buy here first then expand to Vermont later, that heating bill scares me....and that is what we talked about as we drove down to The Hook. When he came to pick me up and I climbed into his big truck I remembered our very first date and how nice it was to have a guy pick me up at my door, we headed to get breakfast on the way down and I said to him can you do me a favor, just for today, and today only can you be my boyfreind and we don't need to think of anyone or anything beyond today? Sure he said I be your boyfriend EVERY day..no we think only today that's it I said today is good enough. We drove the rest of the way to the hook holding hands but it was closed when we got there. He being the Libra that he is poked around and he hadn't arrived till 9:45 because he was trying to find his bicycle, then he stubbed his toe on crap the kids left out and then the dog got out... Next time get your behind over here early I said! So we went to Union Beach instead and drove past the condos by Jake-a-Bobs and I said someday I want to buy one of these..... As we lay in the sand and went in the water we talked and we talked about his future and how he wanted to lay it out and I told him again maybe he better buy an income house in NJ first, then I casually said heck you ought to offer me something really low on my house and see if we can get the bank to take it! He crooked an eyebrow and thought about that one for a bit, and how much he could get for rental and liked the idea more and more and more.... He said wow the solution might be staring us in the face right here. Well I don't want to push it, you look into it and whatever offer you come up with I will make it to the bank I told him, I got nothing to loose now....

We layed there some more but after a few hours I was bored, even with the conversation we had because well I am just the do something type never was a just lay around type and I mentioned that to him. I had already went for a walk and gathered shells, and when he was laying out on his boogie board and no waves came I pulled him (he and I always play like kids), and we had discussed the merits of renting a Harley for the weekend. He said I know! next time we can build sand castles! You know I kinda liked that idea.... But soon enough I convinced him to go home to play so we went back took showers and played till we both fell asleep for a lovely nap together......then we were woken my the smell of Shawn cooking dinner out in the kitchen, So I went out and came back with two big bowls for us and fresh peaches and we ate in bed and then watched movies and got out the lap top and looked at investment homes for sale both in NJ and Vermont. I asked him did he think his "kids" would come up to visit there and he said flatly no, as a matter of fact the older boy moved out a few days ago. OMG I thought I prayed for that and it happend! My second thought was oh I hope he's not unhappy....he wasn't though he was sorta neutral on that, but he thinks the kid will be back as he left before and came back, (and so has my kid). We also talked about my kid some and I said I wish he'd take him snowmobiling this year and he said sure I will if he can come up with the money....(yeah stingy is in this mans veins he will never give to us, not a penny he even made me pay for my $4 Burger King breakfast that day). It's time for me to get over this already, it is afterall his loss for not sharing, so many blessings he'd have if he did.... As we ate I also noticed how he dropped food in the bed and recalled how messy he was and how much work he was and I even commented you know I think its good that she has to live with you and I just get to play with you! It was getting late, and I commented on how he'd been here so much this weeking it was starting to feel like he lived here......and he said yeah....I hate going back to my house after being over here....

Right now I don't care what tommorow brings I am just having fun playing and building my sandcastle dreams and sitting back to see which ones the tides of time wash away, and which one's are sturdy enough to last......Monday morning I headed to the office and ran into traffic, instead of sweating it I just popped in my CD of The_Secret, I had read the book, seen the movie too, but wanted to listen again to the teachings. I called Rich too and told him I had an idea of a new place to do a beach bonfire and that we should create a secret group and only invite really super nice people to it......and do it like a rave, switch locations, top secret by invite only.........the really special things should be protected....

Today I want you to get out and play like a kid, enjoy your life, dream some dreams, build some sand castles of your own.....you never know what you can manifest if you dare to dream.................


With Love and In the Light, Cassie

Lose yourself, lose yourself in this love.
When you lose yourself in this love,
you will find everything.
Rumi

The Soulmate Experience

Wisdom from a fan, Micelle Richards Dills: "Sometimes things don't turn out to be exactly what we want them to be, but when we can see past our trivial expectations, often we find that it's more than we could have ever hoped for! In releasing your expectations and adjusting your perceptions you can find a happiness you might not have otherwise known existed."

Timothy Johnson

BELIEVE , if its true love, theres no ending time, no spaces to confine, if love is real, just rest your mind, hearts see just fine, if we are one, our hearts will beat, as one you and me, if its true love, forever you will see, in us love believes.........THE OUTLAW POET

7-15-11 What and When to Let Go

7-15-11  What and When to Let Go

This week was about letting go.....

Monday after work I took Jeremy for his doctor's appointment. He really needs a little help for this sleeping issue he has, its not healthy to only be able to get an hour or so of sleep a night. Randy told me he had the same thing but he said eventually it works itself out but he was in his 40's by the time he did. So they gave him something for that and referred us to a psychiatrist for anti-depressants. He's upset about that as he has tried so many differnet ones but I told him the only other thing I can give him is Reiki and he's still more prone to use conventional, rather than holistic medicine. But I am only getting minimally involved with his care, he needs to talk to them and make choices for himself like an adult..I can't hold on and keep babying my baby anymore...

Tuesday coming home from work I saw Randy heading north and texted to ask him if he saw me....sorry no he replied.....then nothing else. I wanted to ask if he was coming over later like we had discussed but I let it go and busied myself with chores and errands. Then he sent a text saying sorry I can't chill with you tonight. What are we 12 I thought? He can't "chill" with me, I hate when he says it that way like I am no more than a teenage distraction. Then again that is really what I am to him there is no level of commitment there, I can chill and enjoy it or I can get hot and annoyed....... He asked if he could come over Friday morning....ok the man is stupid too sometimes.....I am working Friday morning I replied and didn't bother to offer an alternative........how about Saturday after 6 at the Hook he said. Maybe I said,  if I am not doing anything else but I am not messing around in the tent THIS year......ok then I will come to your house after work he replied........maybe I will let you know I sent back. Everything in me wants to take the time to be with him but I know darn well that he could blow me off at a moment's notice to go play so I am NOT reserving a Saturday night just for him, unless Saturday rolls around and he's the best option that comes up... No holding on to any hope of anything when it comes to him.....one day at a time only.

Wednesday I got the packet from my bank to fiill out for my re-modification of my loan so that I do not loose my house, I also got an e-mail from my Dad who said I should just let go of the place. I decided that was the best thing to do and that I would make copies of the EPA letter, the soil test results and any information on communication I had from the lawyers and tell the bank they can have my house back. I dont have the money to remideate the property and I don't have the time or the inclination to rent it out or to go through whatever time and expense it wiil take to modify the loan. Shawn says its the Riccioni name that's bringing me down up there, they probably think I have money and am holding out on fixing it up. Screw that I am letting go of that old house, it served be well and even walking away with nothing I still gained in the end as I lived there and I re-financed several times to pay down my credit card dept. Screw it and most of all screw the township for all the abuse they put me through, I pray to God that they don't end up with it for a steal but its not my concern now, the bank can have it and decide I decided.

In the evening Wednesday was our first Yoga on the Beach event and it was so very lovely, the warm breeze the water lapping the sail boats on the bay... all who came really enjoyed it and plan to come back. Nancy and I agreed to do it the 2nd and 4th wednesdays. I also had printed out the instructions for the labryinth to explain what it is and put them in a plastic tube for all who come by to read and know what its for in case they want to use it. All were so blessed by my wanting to share it made me feel good. Later that night Randy called and we were talking and he drove over and pulled in my driveway. He wanted to talk to me about a property he was thinking of buying in Vermont, he said he has no one else but me to talk to about this stuff. No friends, she's too dumb, his mom will tell him not to try and he knows I am smart....so I listend to him a good bit about it but then he made a comment on she was so dumb she asked why would they need a snowblower up there! Then I told him OMG! You got her beliveving that you are taking her! I said why am I talking to you about a future I am not going to be a part of, he said maybe you will you are the one I want........I told him to not stand too close to me because I am not going to get hit by the lighting that is going to come down when he gets his karma for leading her on. He made some excuses and I put up my hand.. Then I asked him to look at my electricty box and he went around the house and I said thats not the place and he said yes and some snotty comments on me not listening and such and I said what is wrong with you? You always were so kind and so very nice and you have gotten snotty and sarcastic! Well thats what living with her does to me! I shook my head and know that if he had the courage to let go of her he could move forward, yet he hangs on to her for money and for a warm body in the house....sad sad sad. But I am not going to hang on to any negative feelings on this, its HIS karma not mine.

Thursday was a crazy day at the office, there were moving my stuff to the new cube, I had tons of work to do, my Dad e-mailed me and said I should just give the house back to the bank, Mary's realtor friend called me and she concurred on that, saying that the township and my lawyer both screwed me (and here I claimed what a saint Tony was) I also was supposed to go to some Meetup organizers dinner but I truly didnt have the money to spend or time to drive down and so I ended up blowing it off. Sometimes you just don't have the time or the money and you have to let some things go. I texted Randy asking him if he could come over for some stress relief after work.... Driving home I saw him on the road but he was looking the other way, I texted again and he said was looking at phone and then he also said he couldn't come over was too busy but he'd see me Saturday. I really hadn't wanted to leave a Saturday open for him but I said OK. I was so stressed and cranky I decided to ride my bike to the beach to work on the labyrinth, that will bring me some peace I thought............. When I arrived someone had taken part of it apart, removed the instructions from the tube and wrote FUCK YOU in the sand. I was so upset, so sad, so disappointed that this idea I had to share was desecrated that way. I sat there and I texted Randy... He comforted me and said he'd send them to the cornfield. LOL That made me laugh and I felt better and I wiped out the curse and drew NAMASTE over it and I felt like spirit told me that at least they had put thier anger there and I could send it packing! I gathered more rocks and I worked for an hour planting each rock with love and reiki. I let my sadness and worries go with each rock I left there and made a not to get some SpiritStones to put in the center for those who come to walk the labryinth...

Friday was a work from home day, Randy e-mailed and we made plans to meet and go for a drink and hang out saturday when he got off work. I had told him I have to keep that day open in case I can find a date as I was looking for a real boyfriend, he didn't like that but what else can I do. I know that what I do with him borders on game playing even though it's not at all my intent. I need to let go of something here but I know that he and I never seem to be able to totally let go of the love we have for each other even if his is not a mature love, mines not at the level it should be either I have to confess. But anyway I reminded him that had he asked me to move in and marry him three years ago, I had gotten an offer for my house and WE would have had 200 k, we could have bought the house and a Harley and a quad or two with that and made some income.... but noooooooo he had to go get HER and I hoped she and the kids were worth it. We really do pay a price for our stubborness, and I am not playing innocent myself in all this, I could have communicated better, I could have taken the money myslef and got an apartment instead of lying down in grief and despair over not having a man and got on with my life but nooo I gave up that good offer, moured the loss of Randy for three years and wound up with nothing. Because I didnt know when or what to let go of..... But I digress.... My offer today to him was that I would come up with 5k if I reliquish my home to the bank (or so I am told) and we set up R&C LLC and buy the house TOGETHER. I told him he doesnt have the balls or the brains to pull this off alone (i do) and he has the technical knowledge to repair stuff or know construction. (I don't). That's what I wrote him and he said OK honey I will think about it, and see you saturday night.......

Today I want you to contemplate letting go , ask God and your angels to show you what you should let go of........you can't reach out for new when you are holding old to your chest........


With Love and in the Light, Cassie

Fearless Wisdom

LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
...To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more
and
To let go and to let God, is to find peace !
Remember: The time to love is short
------ author unknown

Timothy Johnson

BE MY LADY will you be my woman tonight, can we dance in the sand, with the stars as our light, can our hearts make love, will you stay with me tonight, Will you be my woman tonight, can tonight go on forever, with only our love in sight, can our souls become one, will you lay with me tonight....THE OUTLAW POET

SpiritStones For Sale

Here are some of the spirit stones I have for sale

http://s27.photobucket.com/albums/c166/brneydgrl6078/SpiritStones/

Contact me for purchase info

7-11-11 Accepting Imperfection

7-11-11   Accepting Imperfection

The weekend was all abut accepting less than perfection...

Friday night was girls night at my friends house, we had a wonderful time together eating and drinking and talking about all sorts of things all comfortable and cozy. I am for sure going to have to do one of these soon, I am just going to have to skip the sleep over part unless they can put up with Shawn and Jeremy snoring in the basement! LOL Randy was texting me back and forth and at one point called so I talked to him for a few. Course that got all of them (the ones who read my blog and know all that is going on) to nag me gently about how unhealthy this relationship is for me. I know I know I told them but I AM dating others I am open to finding a man who loves me and well honestly I don't think its my time yet, I think I probably have to learn something here from this also and I am 50 and I am tired of not having a good steady sexual relationship in my life. He only wants to give that to me but it's soooo good why not?  I am only hurt when I want it to be more that he offers. So they said ok but they loved me and wanted to see me happy, I said I want to see me happy too and I trust in God to bring me a man who is right for me but in the meantime he at least brings me companionship. When I got home I saw Randy had sent me an e-mail reply to the it's a shame you spent all your money on them and cant take me to VT in August and he said MAYBE I can take you, I replied that I no longer want to go, that I will wait till I can pay my share. Mary said that I keep trying to teach him correct behavior but all he sees it as me backing off. Oh well again I am tired of it-- I give so much in a relationship I am going to find a man who gives to me equally end of story.

Saturday I got a reading from my friend Ray at true path readings he told me lots of things good and bad but that basically in the end I would prevail. He cautioned me on my son and what he has to face, he said a man is going to come bring me money, we think perhaps Mary is right and that an investor will buy it, he also said that a great change was coming in Randy and he was going to be a whole new person. This too is something I always felt, that he is my twin flame but his hard life and his bad choices brought him down the wrong way and he has to fix this first , just like my life brought me down a wrong turn or two and I had to make changes in my direction and who I am. Nothing's set in stone but possibilites are there... He said that Randy is going to be going through some big battles in his life the next few months though and I need to be there to support him through them, and I shall. No matter what I love him and if he needs me I will be there for him. In the early afternoon Shawn and I went to get a desk I bought off Craigslist that is smaller and fits in the corner better, the small living room of mine just couldnt fit the big one so I'd rather get a smaller desk than a bigger house. When we got home I had a letter from the EPA, they said they got a report that there was a possible oil spill on my property! They wanted $400 for filing the claim and I had to have the tank removed and inspections done. Those rotten township people! How awful of them after all the torture they put me through with promises of buying it! They want everyting perfect for them despite the AS IS that was on the contract. I worte to my lawyer and told him to inform them that I contacted my bank and told them I vacated the property and that on Monday I am telling them they can have it back and all deals to sell to the township are off and I am going to look into bankruptcy.  They are such jerks! But God is my scource not them! I took a very long nap that afternoon and rested and my friends came down and we went out to enjoy the shore nightlife. I am not going to let trouble ruin my life and make me sit and sulk.

Sunday I had plans to go to the beach with one of my friends and another one called me and wanted to tag along. We wanted t go to Sandy Hook but it again closed before got there and we went to Union Beach iinstead, my friends though said they ended up liking it better also, less crowds' not so far to walk, etc. But anyway about the friend who called to tag along....This is a friend whom I have had issues with in the past and hadn't been speaking to him for awhile, sometimes when people drive you nuts you need to seperate yourself from them so as not to have any more sparks, but he had been one of the people who had come to see me the night before and we went out and he had apologized for his bad behavior and I accepted it. He asked me why I had been ready now to forgive him and I said well I am much happier now, not stressed,, loving my life. When you did what you did to me I was under so much stress, things not going well , that was just so hurtful and well I couldnt deal with anymore at that time in my life so I decided to get as far from you as I could. He hung his head and apoligized again. Now for the most part this guy has some good qualities, he also has some annoying ones to that are never going to change most likely. But I am wiilling to accept him with his imperfections for the value he does bring to my life. I sent a pic of us to a mutual friend or ours, one I was trying to reconciile them but he was so angry and said that's fine if I want to hang with him but he doesnt want to know about it and not to cry to him when he acts like a jerk again. LOL  I am willing to see what happens, I think my new attitude is much more forgiving and tolerant so we will see, so long as I don't expect more from him I think we will be fine... It brings to mind the story of the cracked pots, I know I have posted this before but it bears repeating....see below

Today I want you to consider when you can accept that which is less than perfect  and see what other blessings that may bring you..........

With Love and in the Light,  Cassie

Cracked Pots

~~ Arthur Unknown ~~

A water bearer in India had two large pots,  each hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck.  One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master's house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his master's house.  Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.  After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream.   "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you." "Why?" asked the bearer. "What are you ashamed of?" "I have been able, for these past two years,  to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master's house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts," the pot said.    The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the master's house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path."   Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again it apologized to the bearer for its failure.  The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pot's side?  That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master's table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house." MORAL: Each of us has our own unique flaws.  We're all cracked pots. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.  You've just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them. There is a lot of good out there.  There is a lot of good in us! Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.  Remember to appreciate all the different people in your life! Or as I like to think of it-if it hadn't been for the crackpots in my life, it would have been pretty boring and not so interesting....

Timothy Johnson Love does not like solitude, Love is calling you..........The Outlaw Poet

7-8-11 Delayed Maturity

7-8-11  Delayed Maturity

This week has been some lessons on maturity...

Monday was the 4th of July so in the evening we  cooked burgers and dogs on the grill. Jeremy had been cranky all day and  by evening he was downright hateful and when I told him to knock it off he went and slammed a door. I went after him that time and told him if he dared to slam a door again he was out of here, that I had come down to have a new life of peace and he was a man and should be out on his own and to act right or get out. His reaction was to run off and get stoned. I ended up venting to Shawn and then sitting here crying. Dear God I prayed do something about this , I was certain that my time of doing anything was done and said so when Shawn asked me about how I was going to straighten out the court stuff I said I am not doing anything I have been doing this since he was 13, now he's almost 21 he has to do it. I recalled how Mary had said that he needs to get rid of his bull headeness and deal with his problems or God would let him go to jail and deal with them there... looks to me like it may go that way and this time I just cant worry myself sick......but tonight I did.... I walked down to Cliffwood Beach alone to watch the fireworks, it was nice besides I could see them from more than a dozen towns up and down the jersey coast, staten island, NYC, the meadowlands, coney island...the people in town had their own that they were setting off in front of thier homes, I don't know which set exactly was his but I knew some of them were the ones Randy was setting off with "his kids". That made me a tiny bit sad that he wasn't there with me but it made me smile to know how happy it was probably making him. I know how much fun he had when he did them at my house when we were dating with Jeremy and his friends. Still I sat on the beach and couldn't help but cry and cry that I was alone and I had this mess with my son and I had no idea how to resolve it, I truly felt like calling the police and saying come get him there's a warrant out on him. Carolyn had said my cards showed that he was the block to me having a relationship-- him and his anger issues despite all the therapy I took him to. Walking back up to the house I was having anxiety pains and nausea. Something has to change.....I don't know what...dear God please show me what to do ....

Tuesday I was off and got myself ready to head to the beach, I was still upset about Jeremy and also kinda annoyed about having Shawn around too so I called Mary and talked it all out with her. I pretty much decided that I was going to send them up to my old house to live. I felt better and determined to enjoy my day....soon as I got there I got a text from Randy asking if I was off today. Ugh finally he finds time to message me, I replied that yes I was and I had just pulled into Sandy Hook.....no reply.... I sent back: too bad you didn't come down I wanted us to go to Gunnison.....I didn't know he replied.....I asked you three times, once in person and twice in e-mail.......no reply. So I sat back and I enjoyed my day, I went in the water, I read, I went in the water some more, I had my lunch, I read, I went in the water some more....it was only 2pm and I was bored LOL Then I was certain I was starting to burn a little....so I texted Randy to ask him when he was leaving for VT....maybe tommorow he said.........well if I come home now can you come over? Sure he sent back, hurry up!.... I was home and showered by 2:45 and he came over and stayed till 7...I told him how I sat on the beach and watched the fireworks and cried because of the fight with Jeremy and because I was alone and he told me he was home setting off fireworks with the kids and thinking of me and he wished he was with me... When he left he said he wanted to perhaps come back and we'd go out to dinner if the coast was clear at home as "she" was going to go visit family he said. I was so happy he asked me but then I got tired and texted asking for a rain check, I feel the same way he sent back. Come see me when you get back from VT....Duh of corse  he replied. That evening I asked Shawn about him and Jeremy moving to my old house, he didn't like that idea....and Jeremy was on his very best behavior....I was debating what to do when my one roomate came and told me he was moving out the end of the week as he was getting sent to Tampa....ugh  Looks like these two are staying, I need the money and now I need another roomate...

Wednesday it was back to work but  I only had to commute to my living room! I woke Jeremy up to send him out to wait on the corner with the locals for day work. He got up and grumbled how he hadn't been able to sleep the night before and didn't feel well and I said too bad, I had to get up and go many a day when I had no sleep while raising you and your brother alone, GO! So he did and he stayed gone for 4hrs, came home and said they picked the other guys like they knew them. I said that's ok go back every day and they will know you too. I got quite a bit of work done and debated on how to spend my evening, bon fire on the beach, sandy hook concert, new photography club I joined..that looked like my best bet but then I discovered that the old camera Dustin had given me didn't work. Ugh So I did what I really wanted to do and that was take a bike ride, I have an event coming up I need to be able to ride a bit of a distance, thinking of Randy smirking at me ever so slightly the day before when I told him I had finally gotten to be able to ride all the way up the hill to the church across from his Mom's. So I decided to take a bike ride instead of go to any events, and I also decided to start the labyrinth I had in mind and got Jeremy to come help me. That is a photo of the beginning stage.  He helped me for a long time then went back home so I pushed my bike up the beach to collect some stones and shells for the house. I met a guy who showed me a stone he found that caught his eye and I paused to look at the red sun setting and tried to get a photo with my bike but it didn't show well with the camera phone. Then I thought of Randy and texted him to ask if he made it to Vermont safely....no reply....

Thursday was work in the office day, I am being moved so I got a lot more stuff moved in between doing all my other work. The people who sit next to my new cubicle are all happy to have my plants near them, they say its like a mini forest! The people who sit at my old location are sad and say its so bare there, one lady came to ask me all about how I make them grow so nice. I got brave and told her it was because I put my reiki charged SpiritStones in the pots, one for each plant and I told her to google what Reiki was.....as I was leaving work I saw her checking it out online. I got home and Jeremy wasn't here, I got to worrying when he didn't come home by dinner time but he soon rode in on his bike and reported that he got day work and earned $100 and the guy wanted him back the next day. He also earned 4 blisters too but he didn't grumble too much and I told him how proud I was of him. I said see you helped me work on building the labyrinth and it's energy brought you blessings! He said that he just hoped he can sleep tonight and we talked about how to quiet his mind, he finally confessed to me that he worries about "shutting off" all the information that comes into his head, that he may need it later on. I realized then that I have not been teaching him enough about him being an Indigo child and so I explained some of it to him and gave him Reiki so he could relax and sleep. He's trying to grow up he really is and he was making plans on how much work he would need to get to pay off his fines and get a lawyer to straighten out his legal messes. I told Shawn I am not going to make him give me what he earns and save it I am going to let him figure it out.

Randy then texted me that he was in CT and heading for VT and that he worked on truck till 11pm the night before and today didn't leave till 5pm. You should have taken me with you, I work from home on fridays and could have worked from Vermont I said. Drive up now he texted. I can't afford the gas money and it's 8pm I replied. He called then and told me all about going up, how he needed to go because he can't go again till Feb for snowmobiling, that he spent this much on the 4th of July party, this much on the fireworks for the kids this much on the pool for the family... My chest got tight as I recalled again how he never spent money on me and how last year I had to drive myself to VT and pay for half the hotel. I told him I had to go and hung up and called Mary. She said good that I didn't react out of hurt and I decided to think about it and talk about it first. She said you know he was just being dumb he didn't mean to hurt you....I know I know....and you know he just spends money on them because they won't hang out with him otherwise........are you sure? Yes she said its just like the boy who brings all the toys to the playground because no one else will play with him other wise. But I like to be with him without him paying for me I said, he is not mature enough to see that I she said. I know she's right. Loving him is so painful I said! She reminded me though how I can and do go out and find men who will pay for me, who will take me out, who are mature and loving and caring but none of them ever make me happy the way Randy does. Yep yep its a cruel joke I said. One day he will mature Cassie, just keep looking for someone else and in the meantime just accept what there is good in him that he does want to give you and find the joy in that instead of being hurt that he is not who or what you want him to be. I know there must still be lessons here or I would be done with this so I agreed. His mom never taught him to be a mature man, he raised himself and he learned to spend his money on whatever was the most fun and get others to pay as much as he could. I was the fool who paid for all our meals when we were a couple I was foolish to think he would pay for me now... I said some prayers for him and I went to sleep.....


Friday morning I was thinking of this more and I looked up some articles on how-to-deal-with-immature-men when I got a text from him, he took a picture of himself going down to breakfast at the hotel. I said oh how nice have lots of fun and maybe next year I can save up enough to pay my half of the room and go with you too. I sent the photo to my e-mail to save to computer and noticed that there was some blue lights next to him, I think his spirit guides heard my prayers and are with him.... He had said maybe when he's 50 he will own three homes in VT, live in one of them and be walking down the street and meet a woman to be his mate......he said he hoped that woman would be me..... If God has any mercy on me though he won't make me wait till I am almost 60 to have a man mature enough to care for me yet still youthful enough to be fun like Randy is......

Today I want you to take a look at your own level of maturity and see if there needs to be some work done in that area. Maturity doesn't be being old or dull or stuffy or boring, but it does mean being responsible for the feelings of others, to not be selfish, to think, to give more than you take, to share for the sake of sharing, to care more for the other than you do for yourself..... Can you grow a little more today? I know I am going to be working on this myself...........



With Love and in the Light,  Cassie

The Beatles - The Fool On The Hill

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tg1k_G6fRpQ

Timothy Johnson FIRST KISS theres grey in my beard, from wandering lost, for so many years, now with you tonight, the roads led home, no darkness just light, now im over fifty, just beginning to live, i feel like yours was my first kiss, yes im just beggining to live....THE OUTLAW POET