7-4-11 Celebrate Independence!
This week I have been learning about the equal value of independence and interdependence in relationships....
Friday I was supposed to have a date with Nick the car salesman, and Randy was the back up plan...I really wanted to see the car salesman though I had real hope for this one, we really had a good banter going on on the phone, he had been married, was a real family man. But.....late morning he called me and said: I have bad news, well good news for you but bad news for me. What I said? I can't date you right now I have too much drama in my life, I need to deal with it first. I can tell you are an amazing woman and very pretty and I don't want to mess this up, I want to take care of this first. So I told him ok and I respect you for respecting me and he said he'd keep calling and I said sure you can do that I can be a friend for you through this. I really did feel dissapointed with that but at the same time good that he did show that level of respect for me. I e-mailed Randy and told him that he can come over and he said sure will.... I spent the day running errands, then took a nap. After dinner I wasn't feeling 100%. my heel was hurting, so I didn't want to ride my bike, but I did want to go to the beach for stones and shells. I decided to drive down, since I was driving I decided to go to the other Cliffwood beach the one on Randy's side, in the other township, where he used to take me. I walked the boardwalk and then all the way down the beach he took me on to the spot where we sat and cuddled, I wondered how we lost that during the relationship. I then saw it was getting late so I headed back, I was going to cut across the park but decided to take one last walk along the boardwalk..... I spotted a woman walking a dog and yapping away on her cell phone, it looked like HER but I wasn't sure...this woman didn't look mean or hateful she was smiling and happy on the phone call, she did look manly built though I wondered if it was her....I was thinking this is just some average woman not the mean hateful thing he paints her to be, I really should not be seeing him she doesn't deserve that. My phone went DROID just after she passed me and I was thinking this....it was Randy! He said: Are you ready for me? What should I say I wondered should I say no? But I texted back: I am at the beach just gotta run home and shower and I will be. I went quickly to my car, and parked one car space from me, in the otherwise empty lot was a car, exactly what he told me she drives! I thought again, oh boy that might have been her, what is God showing me? Then he texted me again, I will be there at 9:15.. it was 8:50 so I hurried home to shower and be ready......
When he got there I told him I saw a woman, walking a dog that looked like this and was wearing this....Yup yup that was her he told me. She didn't look so mean I told him, was she on the phone he said? She's always nice and happy on the phone talking to strangers and soon as she hangs up she's mean. She never calls me , she won't even speak to me if I ask her a question. I just kept saying isn't that amazing that I saw her , he said no we live so close to each other now you gotta expect you may see her, but I said that I went to that beach at that same time and you texted me at that same time! I dunno he said... We spent a good three hours together, he shaved me for the beach and we said we'd go to Gunnison again this summer together. The motorcycle guy texted and called while he was there and ignored it and I told him of my less that sastifying experience with him (other than his motorcycle) lol I said see I am not afraid of bikes just YOUR bike and he said he can see why. I said can you rent us one like that when we go to Vermont? If you do I will ride the loop with you....sure he said we can do that. We did alot of talking and a lot of playing and I decided that while I am looking for the one to marry me we can play so long as he's not playing with her and I looked up to God and I made that vow to him, I said take him away from me if he starts with her. I told Randy I can't trust you to be honest but God I can. He also told me that she had a big medical bill a couple weeks ago and she told him that he should marry her so she can be on his insurance. I asked him was he gonna and he said no way and I told her was she nuts. He said soon as the kids go she's gone, and the oldest one may go soon he's thinking of going in the Coast Guard. I then asked him did you ever love her? He said no, it never was like that it always was just an arrangement, they are just using me for my house but I like having people around and not being alone, I liked a chance to be a father, I gave up on what I wanted long ago. Then I asked him did he ever love me back then? He paused and he thought and he said timidly Maybe... If someone loves someone they know it I thought to myself, Mary says she hates to say it but he's just emotioanlly retarded and he doesnt know what love really truly is. I also asked him where does he see himself in the future and he said goimg to Vermont buying three houses living in one and renting the other two, when I am 50, and running into some woman and just making her my mate. I told him I am not leaving here I love it here. Then he said well I could also end up getting days at UPS, and making a lot of money and staying. I didn't get too interested anymore in his plans and thought of my own and I told him I am going to find a man to marry me and buy me a house! He said he didn't ever want to marry and have joint bank accounts and have some woman take half his money like all his divorced friends. I told him that word "joint bank account" was pretty darn scary to me too, I don't even want that again and I mean that sincerely, Gus controlled me 100% that way and I will never be that way again. He stayed till midnight and when he left I thought about hugging him but I didn't, I am not getting attached this summer like I did last, I am not going to want anymore that this....I am going to keep looking till I find a man who REALLY loves me.......but in the meantime this is fun and nice and we can talk and talk and never grow weary of one another.... as long as she's not loving him like I do I am going to........he deserves to be loved and only God knows why but Love him I do....
Saturday morning the angel card was Romance and I wondered if that had anything to do with Randy or someone else, he had said he got off work at 6pm.... But my friend Carolyn from Flemington texted me and she wanted to head down and go to the beach with me. So she got here late morning and we packed up the car and headed to Sandy Hook, only to find out when we arrived that it was full and they were not letting anyone else in! I felt bad, she came all the way from Flemington...then I recalled how last night Randy had told me about another local beach and that I should check it out sometime so I texted him and asked him the street and off we went. It was nice, a bit covered with seaweed and not deep but we had a good day there. Carolyn looked up as we were coming back in from the water and saw a -fire-rainbow-above our chairs she said that was a good sign. I sat down to relax and closed my eyes and had an amazing color light show of reds and some oranges, the colors of the root chakara. This is very rare for me I usually tend towards indigo and purple the third eye and crown charkra colors. The red I knew had to do with grounding, perhaps I had finally found my home....my ground.. Randy texted to see if we had found the place ok and I said yes, he asked if I liked it there and I said yes...he said I am thinking of buying a condo there. You should go for it I replied (thinking anything to get him out of the bug infested mess she made of his house) and we texted back and forth a bit. After we left the beach we came home and Shawn made dinner, we read each others cards and I gave her a Reiki treatment in my new reiki room. My first customer! After she left I caught up a little on my e-mails and found one from some local newspaper in a town called Chilliwack who wanted me to do a regular article about my SpiritStones, they wanted a local though so I had to decline but again it was nice to get an offer and at least this town I think was closer than Hawaii--I was getting closer.. LOL I didn't go out that night to the singles event in town, my heel is hurting and walking anywhere other than on the beach is just too painful, I recalled how last 4th of July weekend I hurt my back and was on the couch... I sat on the porch and listend to the fireworks and knew Randy was over setting them off at his house with his kids and smiled at that...
Sunday morning I woke up an it was raining, there went my plan to go for a bike ride. I decided to go to church and I e-mailed Randy to tell him I was going and he could also come. He didn't, he had told me he was off I half hoped he'd want to do something but that didn't happen. I was feeling a little blue, and also a little cranky with all these people underfoot in my little house so I went out to mass, grocery shopping, dollar store shopping, and walmart shopping all for little things that could have waited just to get out of the house. Then to add insult to injury some guy wrote me from my CL personal ad and called me a fat asshole and wasn't I embarassed that one one wanted me and to stop posting my ad there. I sent it to Randy to show him what kind of abuse I get. So in the evening, the last thing I wanted to do was be with people but I decided to drag myself out. There was a large meetup group of many of my friends goign to watch the fireworks from a resteraunt in Sea Bright so I went and was glad that I did, so many were glad to see me, even some I hadn't gotten a long with in the past, one in particular I talked to and I can see she truly needs a little guidance, she told me she has "visions" and it scares her, perhaps I can teach her to love instead of fear her gift. My old friend Victor was there and still won't even look at me, even though a friend of his he brought down was so happy to see me and came over and chatted quite a bit. I felt like going over and standing next to him and making him acknowledge me and when he did ask for my flash drive and my SpiritStones he has but decided I was too happy to deal with drama. I checked my phone as I was watching the fireworks go off and Randy had replied to the one I forwarded him of the guy insulting me....he said: well I think you are perfect. Ahhh so good for the ego he is, and then I reflected on the fact that he is my fireworks guy. I wrote back and told him I was down at Dockside and I was thinking of last year him coming down there to meet me and we made out in his truck....he said Oh that was fun, and a cool place to I can't wait to go there again.......
Today I want you to think about what Independence means to you in your life and how valuable that is and how much some have sacrificed for you to have yours. I also want you to reflect on the value of independence in relationships too and know that it's just as important as the interdependence......
With Love and in the Light, Cassie
It feels like Independence Day
And I can't break away from this parade
But there's got to be an opening
Somewhere here in front of me
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And I can't break away from this parade
But there's got to be an opening
Somewhere here in front of me
The Wallflowers - One Headlight
Leaving yesterday behind,
we try not to question tomorrow.
It is this moment that we get
"to have and to hold."
As darkness moves in,
waiting once again for dawn's embrace,
I know it is time to let go of today
and trust in the magic
of a new tomorrow.
we try not to question tomorrow.
It is this moment that we get
"to have and to hold."
As darkness moves in,
waiting once again for dawn's embrace,
I know it is time to let go of today
and trust in the magic
of a new tomorrow.
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