7-8-11 Delayed Maturity
This week has been some lessons on maturity...
Monday was the 4th of July so in the evening we cooked burgers and dogs on the grill. Jeremy had been cranky all day and by evening he was downright hateful and when I told him to knock it off he went and slammed a door. I went after him that time and told him if he dared to slam a door again he was out of here, that I had come down to have a new life of peace and he was a man and should be out on his own and to act right or get out. His reaction was to run off and get stoned. I ended up venting to Shawn and then sitting here crying. Dear God I prayed do something about this , I was certain that my time of doing anything was done and said so when Shawn asked me about how I was going to straighten out the court stuff I said I am not doing anything I have been doing this since he was 13, now he's almost 21 he has to do it. I recalled how Mary had said that he needs to get rid of his bull headeness and deal with his problems or God would let him go to jail and deal with them there... looks to me like it may go that way and this time I just cant worry myself sick......but tonight I did.... I walked down to Cliffwood Beach alone to watch the fireworks, it was nice besides I could see them from more than a dozen towns up and down the jersey coast, staten island, NYC, the meadowlands, coney island...the people in town had their own that they were setting off in front of thier homes, I don't know which set exactly was his but I knew some of them were the ones Randy was setting off with "his kids". That made me a tiny bit sad that he wasn't there with me but it made me smile to know how happy it was probably making him. I know how much fun he had when he did them at my house when we were dating with Jeremy and his friends. Still I sat on the beach and couldn't help but cry and cry that I was alone and I had this mess with my son and I had no idea how to resolve it, I truly felt like calling the police and saying come get him there's a warrant out on him. Carolyn had said my cards showed that he was the block to me having a relationship-- him and his anger issues despite all the therapy I took him to. Walking back up to the house I was having anxiety pains and nausea. Something has to change.....I don't know what...dear God please show me what to do ....
Tuesday I was off and got myself ready to head to the beach, I was still upset about Jeremy and also kinda annoyed about having Shawn around too so I called Mary and talked it all out with her. I pretty much decided that I was going to send them up to my old house to live. I felt better and determined to enjoy my day....soon as I got there I got a text from Randy asking if I was off today. Ugh finally he finds time to message me, I replied that yes I was and I had just pulled into Sandy Hook.....no reply.... I sent back: too bad you didn't come down I wanted us to go to Gunnison.....I didn't know he replied.....I asked you three times, once in person and twice in e-mail.......no reply. So I sat back and I enjoyed my day, I went in the water, I read, I went in the water some more, I had my lunch, I read, I went in the water some more....it was only 2pm and I was bored LOL Then I was certain I was starting to burn a little....so I texted Randy to ask him when he was leaving for VT....maybe tommorow he said.........well if I come home now can you come over? Sure he sent back, hurry up!.... I was home and showered by 2:45 and he came over and stayed till 7...I told him how I sat on the beach and watched the fireworks and cried because of the fight with Jeremy and because I was alone and he told me he was home setting off fireworks with the kids and thinking of me and he wished he was with me... When he left he said he wanted to perhaps come back and we'd go out to dinner if the coast was clear at home as "she" was going to go visit family he said. I was so happy he asked me but then I got tired and texted asking for a rain check, I feel the same way he sent back. Come see me when you get back from VT....Duh of corse he replied. That evening I asked Shawn about him and Jeremy moving to my old house, he didn't like that idea....and Jeremy was on his very best behavior....I was debating what to do when my one roomate came and told me he was moving out the end of the week as he was getting sent to Tampa....ugh Looks like these two are staying, I need the money and now I need another roomate...
Wednesday it was back to work but I only had to commute to my living room! I woke Jeremy up to send him out to wait on the corner with the locals for day work. He got up and grumbled how he hadn't been able to sleep the night before and didn't feel well and I said too bad, I had to get up and go many a day when I had no sleep while raising you and your brother alone, GO! So he did and he stayed gone for 4hrs, came home and said they picked the other guys like they knew them. I said that's ok go back every day and they will know you too. I got quite a bit of work done and debated on how to spend my evening, bon fire on the beach, sandy hook concert, new photography club I joined..that looked like my best bet but then I discovered that the old camera Dustin had given me didn't work. Ugh So I did what I really wanted to do and that was take a bike ride, I have an event coming up I need to be able to ride a bit of a distance, thinking of Randy smirking at me ever so slightly the day before when I told him I had finally gotten to be able to ride all the way up the hill to the church across from his Mom's. So I decided to take a bike ride instead of go to any events, and I also decided to start the labyrinth I had in mind and got Jeremy to come help me. That is a photo of the beginning stage. He helped me for a long time then went back home so I pushed my bike up the beach to collect some stones and shells for the house. I met a guy who showed me a stone he found that caught his eye and I paused to look at the red sun setting and tried to get a photo with my bike but it didn't show well with the camera phone. Then I thought of Randy and texted him to ask if he made it to Vermont safely....no reply....
Randy then texted me that he was in CT and heading for VT and that he worked on truck till 11pm the night before and today didn't leave till 5pm. You should have taken me with you, I work from home on fridays and could have worked from Vermont I said. Drive up now he texted. I can't afford the gas money and it's 8pm I replied. He called then and told me all about going up, how he needed to go because he can't go again till Feb for snowmobiling, that he spent this much on the 4th of July party, this much on the fireworks for the kids this much on the pool for the family... My chest got tight as I recalled again how he never spent money on me and how last year I had to drive myself to VT and pay for half the hotel. I told him I had to go and hung up and called Mary. She said good that I didn't react out of hurt and I decided to think about it and talk about it first. She said you know he was just being dumb he didn't mean to hurt you....I know I know....and you know he just spends money on them because they won't hang out with him otherwise........are you sure? Yes she said its just like the boy who brings all the toys to the playground because no one else will play with him other wise. But I like to be with him without him paying for me I said, he is not mature enough to see that I she said. I know she's right. Loving him is so painful I said! She reminded me though how I can and do go out and find men who will pay for me, who will take me out, who are mature and loving and caring but none of them ever make me happy the way Randy does. Yep yep its a cruel joke I said. One day he will mature Cassie, just keep looking for someone else and in the meantime just accept what there is good in him that he does want to give you and find the joy in that instead of being hurt that he is not who or what you want him to be. I know there must still be lessons here or I would be done with this so I agreed. His mom never taught him to be a mature man, he raised himself and he learned to spend his money on whatever was the most fun and get others to pay as much as he could. I was the fool who paid for all our meals when we were a couple I was foolish to think he would pay for me now... I said some prayers for him and I went to sleep.....
Friday morning I was thinking of this more and I looked up some articles on how-to-deal-with-immature-men when I got a text from him, he took a picture of himself going down to breakfast at the hotel. I said oh how nice have lots of fun and maybe next year I can save up enough to pay my half of the room and go with you too. I sent the photo to my e-mail to save to computer and noticed that there was some blue lights next to him, I think his spirit guides heard my prayers and are with him.... He had said maybe when he's 50 he will own three homes in VT, live in one of them and be walking down the street and meet a woman to be his mate......he said he hoped that woman would be me..... If God has any mercy on me though he won't make me wait till I am almost 60 to have a man mature enough to care for me yet still youthful enough to be fun like Randy is......
Today I want you to take a look at your own level of maturity and see if there needs to be some work done in that area. Maturity doesn't be being old or dull or stuffy or boring, but it does mean being responsible for the feelings of others, to not be selfish, to think, to give more than you take, to share for the sake of sharing, to care more for the other than you do for yourself..... Can you grow a little more today? I know I am going to be working on this myself...........
With Love and in the Light, Cassie
The Beatles - The Fool On The Hill
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