7-25-11 Come out of Hiding
This weekend has been all about coming out of hiding, emerging, opening up from the places that pain leads us to....
Friday night Shawn took me out to dinner because he had promised me that he would when he got a job, I felt bad that he hadn't invited Jeremy so I said I would pay for him and he said well its a bar.....so Jeremy then said he didn't want to go. I guess Shawn wanted to talk about his girlfriend some so we did, she has gotten into a state of depression and left him and went back out west despite the fact that he offered to be there for her and help he through this. I told him that all you can do is offer but sometimes people want to go off on thier own and be alone to deal with thier depression in thier own way and that I know as I used to do that myself. Talking of relationships got me thinking about Randy so I texted to see how he was doing in the heat, we texted some and then he called me, I talked for a bit , he seemed odd when I cut the call short but I didn't want to be rude. When I got off the phone Shawn said you know you sound like you are talking to a 14yr old....yeah I know I know but its part of the reason that I like him, why I picked him from all the other men I met since my divorce, I feel safest with him and he's fun, not old and boring, it's not like he isn't responsible he owns his home, his truck, his toys and holds down two jobs....and when he's not working his life is an adventure....just like I want mine to always be... When I got home I took Jeremy to the store with me and I told him I was sorry he hadn't gotten to go with us. He said he was used to it, being left behind when his friends went off with their dates. At the store he ended up buying a video game and thats how he spent his weekened, glued to the TV. Sometimes thats where people go to hide you know, in video games or the computer, or movies (my hiding place of choice), when they feel alone.....or others its drugs and alcohol. All of these things are unhealthy and addictive in too large of doses... hiding for a day or two can be nurturing but longer than that and it become destructive to us.
Saturday morning I got an e-mail from Nancy, the lady that I am doing the Yoga on the Beach classes with. She was going on about how much has taken off in her life since she met me and how powerful and confident and strong I am, that she has met many people but never anyone like me! Wow such praise indeed! I know that its not me though, its the spirit of the stones I work with that comes from the creator, and besides I don't at all feel that way some days....but anyway she was heading out soon to work on her fitness DVD for the beginner yoga people and she was all nervous and said it's hard to get out of her comfort zone when she is such a small little speck in the whole grand plan......instantly the Nelson Mandella speach came to me and I looked it up and sent it to her:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
She replied that she had tears in her eyes... I hope that inspired her to get her work done, what she has created needs to get out there to the people! I pray that our Yoga class this wednesday is full of students! and then Anthony wrote me with an idea for photography with camera phones...
The angel card on saturday was Soul Mate, but since I had no plans with Randy, he was working, and we we were in the middle of a heat wave that had me sleeping a large portion of the afternoon I din't have much hope of that card having anything to do with us..... I was wrong... In the evening about 7:30 he texted me Hi....Hi how are you I said...HOT....I texted that I hoped it was cooler tommorow as we were supposed to be going to Gunnison....he then texted that he was free tonight too...he called and we talked and he said he was beat but it sure would be nice to be with me, in a clean house, eat some food and watch some TV but he didn't know if he felt like doing pokey did I want him to come over and I said sure! I had scheduled an event to go to the fireman's festival to hear the band and get some food and see the fireworks but since it was so hot I cancelled it, thusly I was free.. So he came over and we did just that but in the end we did end up doing pokey once we rested, ate and cooled down... and as we were the fireworks were going off in town and I recalled once again how he always had been my fireworks guy......
Sunday just did some chores an errands arround the house, it was still too hot to do much so I skipped church. I do my worshiping God outdoors mostly when I can anyway and I said some prayers later in the day as I drove into Sandy Hook to wait for Randy to get off work. It started to rain a little and I got worried but by the time he arrived it stopped. We lugged ourselves down across the long long beach of gunnison and I couldnt keep up with him and he was lightly nagging me, this got us into a long discussion about my sinus issues and stuff and he said I needed to be on the stuff he takes and he said he'd get me some. That made me feel nice that he wanted to take care of me a little. Once we got to the beach and took off our clothes and walked in the water a bit we noticed that less that half the others were disrobed so we both ended up putting our suits back on, then after sitting there talking for an hour or so the flies kept bitting us despite the bug spray and we decided to leave. This just isn't as much fun as last year here for some reason I said and he agreed, I think last year was more fun because it was the only time we got to be together totally nakked I said. LOL He laughed and said maybe... I did hash out all the options for my house with him and made a descion on what to do for now. No I wasn't going to re-finance and rent, no I wasnt going to just give it back to them now since they were not offering me anything, what I was going to do was wait a bit longer for a buyer.. And while we were there Anthony texted about next weeks event, I was smiling as I was replying and I could see Randy didnt like that and especailly when I told him that I can't meet him next week....what will I do he said? I don't know but as fun as this is I just can't give you all my time, I am not going to end up like your mom I said......I am not going to live alone and wait for you to find time to sneak away, he reminded me again that it was I who left him or it wouldnt be this way........
After the beach I told him we could go home to my house as Shawn was cooking steak and shrimp but he wanted to go to our favorite place and get some clams so thats what we did. We talked about how much we loved The Hook even if that day had been less than perfect and I said well I do want to go to the beach on the other side, and I do want to make a night picnic sometime he said and we made plans to do those things before summers end. He then told me that it's been two weeks since he drank and he thinks it's because he's been getting regular pokey and our touch and our fluid exchange has taken away his cravings. Oh really I said? Yeah and he confessed to me about how much he's been drinking since I left him, that he is always going out and spending lots of money and that at some times his "family" even thought he was an alcoholic. Course I didn't need him to tell me this, I already knew, he had confessed it a few times that he drank and Mary had told me she picked up on it too. It warmed my soul to think that I was helping him in this way, and I recalled the tarot reader telling me I was going to be seeing the re-birth of Randy... but I just said that's good to hear, I am a lightworker so that good energy I put in the stones also will go into you when you "plug-in" as he calls it. LOL Sitting on the stool was making me achey and I turned my neck to crack it and said I need to find a good chiropractor down here and he said I can help you and he rubbed my neck and shoulders till I felt better. Gee I miss back rub night don't you I asked him..........yeah I sure do he said.......again it made me feel good to see him trying to take care of me some, the Randy I fell in love with was coming back a tiny bit at at time all because I decided to just love him the way things were even if they weren't everything I wanted right now. It really is up to God to give us our desires not any other man or woman....if we count on anyone else we are truly setting ourselves up for hurt and pain.
It grew late and I asked him if he was coming home with me and he said sorry but he had to go home "she" would be home soon and expect him there....I was sad but I didn't give him a hard time I just said well try to come over some night this week, even if its just for a quickie. I can do that he asked? You won't get mad? Nah you spend time with me otherwise so I don't feel used hahaha. In the parking lot as we said goodnight he was being all shy so I took his hand to shake it and he said oh don't do that and reached his arms out to hug me and as I stepped into his arms he gave me a quick kiss too. Come see me soon I said, I sure will he said and we headed towards home, it was so kewl to turn off at the light before his and be home the same time as him instead of that long drive last year....
Monday I woke up and went for a bike ride and walk down to Cliffwood Beach, I was watching the little sand fleas popping in and out of the sand and hiding from me, wishing I had brought my video camera to take some footage of them and thought about all this and the poem my friends daughter had posted to facebook that morning:
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