7-15-11 What and When to Let Go

7-15-11  What and When to Let Go

This week was about letting go.....

Monday after work I took Jeremy for his doctor's appointment. He really needs a little help for this sleeping issue he has, its not healthy to only be able to get an hour or so of sleep a night. Randy told me he had the same thing but he said eventually it works itself out but he was in his 40's by the time he did. So they gave him something for that and referred us to a psychiatrist for anti-depressants. He's upset about that as he has tried so many differnet ones but I told him the only other thing I can give him is Reiki and he's still more prone to use conventional, rather than holistic medicine. But I am only getting minimally involved with his care, he needs to talk to them and make choices for himself like an adult..I can't hold on and keep babying my baby anymore...

Tuesday coming home from work I saw Randy heading north and texted to ask him if he saw me....sorry no he replied.....then nothing else. I wanted to ask if he was coming over later like we had discussed but I let it go and busied myself with chores and errands. Then he sent a text saying sorry I can't chill with you tonight. What are we 12 I thought? He can't "chill" with me, I hate when he says it that way like I am no more than a teenage distraction. Then again that is really what I am to him there is no level of commitment there, I can chill and enjoy it or I can get hot and annoyed....... He asked if he could come over Friday morning....ok the man is stupid too sometimes.....I am working Friday morning I replied and didn't bother to offer an alternative........how about Saturday after 6 at the Hook he said. Maybe I said,  if I am not doing anything else but I am not messing around in the tent THIS year......ok then I will come to your house after work he replied........maybe I will let you know I sent back. Everything in me wants to take the time to be with him but I know darn well that he could blow me off at a moment's notice to go play so I am NOT reserving a Saturday night just for him, unless Saturday rolls around and he's the best option that comes up... No holding on to any hope of anything when it comes to him.....one day at a time only.

Wednesday I got the packet from my bank to fiill out for my re-modification of my loan so that I do not loose my house, I also got an e-mail from my Dad who said I should just let go of the place. I decided that was the best thing to do and that I would make copies of the EPA letter, the soil test results and any information on communication I had from the lawyers and tell the bank they can have my house back. I dont have the money to remideate the property and I don't have the time or the inclination to rent it out or to go through whatever time and expense it wiil take to modify the loan. Shawn says its the Riccioni name that's bringing me down up there, they probably think I have money and am holding out on fixing it up. Screw that I am letting go of that old house, it served be well and even walking away with nothing I still gained in the end as I lived there and I re-financed several times to pay down my credit card dept. Screw it and most of all screw the township for all the abuse they put me through, I pray to God that they don't end up with it for a steal but its not my concern now, the bank can have it and decide I decided.

In the evening Wednesday was our first Yoga on the Beach event and it was so very lovely, the warm breeze the water lapping the sail boats on the bay... all who came really enjoyed it and plan to come back. Nancy and I agreed to do it the 2nd and 4th wednesdays. I also had printed out the instructions for the labryinth to explain what it is and put them in a plastic tube for all who come by to read and know what its for in case they want to use it. All were so blessed by my wanting to share it made me feel good. Later that night Randy called and we were talking and he drove over and pulled in my driveway. He wanted to talk to me about a property he was thinking of buying in Vermont, he said he has no one else but me to talk to about this stuff. No friends, she's too dumb, his mom will tell him not to try and he knows I am smart....so I listend to him a good bit about it but then he made a comment on she was so dumb she asked why would they need a snowblower up there! Then I told him OMG! You got her beliveving that you are taking her! I said why am I talking to you about a future I am not going to be a part of, he said maybe you will you are the one I want........I told him to not stand too close to me because I am not going to get hit by the lighting that is going to come down when he gets his karma for leading her on. He made some excuses and I put up my hand.. Then I asked him to look at my electricty box and he went around the house and I said thats not the place and he said yes and some snotty comments on me not listening and such and I said what is wrong with you? You always were so kind and so very nice and you have gotten snotty and sarcastic! Well thats what living with her does to me! I shook my head and know that if he had the courage to let go of her he could move forward, yet he hangs on to her for money and for a warm body in the house....sad sad sad. But I am not going to hang on to any negative feelings on this, its HIS karma not mine.

Thursday was a crazy day at the office, there were moving my stuff to the new cube, I had tons of work to do, my Dad e-mailed me and said I should just give the house back to the bank, Mary's realtor friend called me and she concurred on that, saying that the township and my lawyer both screwed me (and here I claimed what a saint Tony was) I also was supposed to go to some Meetup organizers dinner but I truly didnt have the money to spend or time to drive down and so I ended up blowing it off. Sometimes you just don't have the time or the money and you have to let some things go. I texted Randy asking him if he could come over for some stress relief after work.... Driving home I saw him on the road but he was looking the other way, I texted again and he said was looking at phone and then he also said he couldn't come over was too busy but he'd see me Saturday. I really hadn't wanted to leave a Saturday open for him but I said OK. I was so stressed and cranky I decided to ride my bike to the beach to work on the labyrinth, that will bring me some peace I thought............. When I arrived someone had taken part of it apart, removed the instructions from the tube and wrote FUCK YOU in the sand. I was so upset, so sad, so disappointed that this idea I had to share was desecrated that way. I sat there and I texted Randy... He comforted me and said he'd send them to the cornfield. LOL That made me laugh and I felt better and I wiped out the curse and drew NAMASTE over it and I felt like spirit told me that at least they had put thier anger there and I could send it packing! I gathered more rocks and I worked for an hour planting each rock with love and reiki. I let my sadness and worries go with each rock I left there and made a not to get some SpiritStones to put in the center for those who come to walk the labryinth...

Friday was a work from home day, Randy e-mailed and we made plans to meet and go for a drink and hang out saturday when he got off work. I had told him I have to keep that day open in case I can find a date as I was looking for a real boyfriend, he didn't like that but what else can I do. I know that what I do with him borders on game playing even though it's not at all my intent. I need to let go of something here but I know that he and I never seem to be able to totally let go of the love we have for each other even if his is not a mature love, mines not at the level it should be either I have to confess. But anyway I reminded him that had he asked me to move in and marry him three years ago, I had gotten an offer for my house and WE would have had 200 k, we could have bought the house and a Harley and a quad or two with that and made some income.... but noooooooo he had to go get HER and I hoped she and the kids were worth it. We really do pay a price for our stubborness, and I am not playing innocent myself in all this, I could have communicated better, I could have taken the money myslef and got an apartment instead of lying down in grief and despair over not having a man and got on with my life but nooo I gave up that good offer, moured the loss of Randy for three years and wound up with nothing. Because I didnt know when or what to let go of..... But I digress.... My offer today to him was that I would come up with 5k if I reliquish my home to the bank (or so I am told) and we set up R&C LLC and buy the house TOGETHER. I told him he doesnt have the balls or the brains to pull this off alone (i do) and he has the technical knowledge to repair stuff or know construction. (I don't). That's what I wrote him and he said OK honey I will think about it, and see you saturday night.......

Today I want you to contemplate letting go , ask God and your angels to show you what you should let go of........you can't reach out for new when you are holding old to your chest........


With Love and in the Light, Cassie

Fearless Wisdom

LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
...To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more
and
To let go and to let God, is to find peace !
Remember: The time to love is short
------ author unknown

Timothy Johnson

BE MY LADY will you be my woman tonight, can we dance in the sand, with the stars as our light, can our hearts make love, will you stay with me tonight, Will you be my woman tonight, can tonight go on forever, with only our love in sight, can our souls become one, will you lay with me tonight....THE OUTLAW POET